


A Better Daughter or Son and a Real Good Friend

by Emcee



Series: The Half-Vulcan Way of Life [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, BAMF Nyota Uhura, Badly Kept Secret Relationship, Big Sisters, Body Modification, Brother-Sister Relationships, Brotherly Affection, Cadet Nyota Uhura, Developing Relationship, Ear Piercings, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up, Growing Up Together, Kelvin Timeline (Star Trek), Kelvinverse Discovery, Kelvinverse Michael Burnham, Little Brothers, Michael Burnham Needs a Hug, Minor Spock/Leila Kalomi, Minor Spock/Number One, Not Canon Compliant - Star Trek: Discovery, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Michael Burnham, POV Spock (Star Trek), Past Sexual Abuse, Past Sexual Assault, Piercings, Protective Siblings, Protective Spock (Star Trek), Rebellion, Sarek is a Bad Dad, Secret Relationship, Sharing a Room, Smart Nyota Uhura, Spock Needs a Hug (Star Trek), Star Trek: Discovery Spoilers, Starfleet Academy, Tattoos, Teenage Rebellion, Telepathic Bond, USS Discovery (Star Trek), Vulcan Mind Melds
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:46:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 44,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23671786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emcee/pseuds/Emcee
Summary: The destruction of one ship should not affect so much. But the destruction of the USS Kelvin in 2233 affected more than just the life of James Kirk.This is the story of how that event changed the lives of Spock and Michael Burnham. This is how they grew up in that changed world... Together.
Relationships: Michael Burnham & Sarek, Michael Burnham & Spock, Michael Burnham/Ash Tyler | Voq, Sarek & Spock, Spock/Nyota Uhura
Series: The Half-Vulcan Way of Life [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1703593
Comments: 132
Kudos: 191





	1. You Should not Treat Me like a Stranger

**Author's Note:**

> This is a prequel to my story "Fever When You Kiss Me", but that is not a requirement for reading this story. This is the story of the history that I alluded to in that one.
> 
> This is set within the universe of the Star Trek reboot movies. However, there are spoilers for Star Trek Discovery (as well as some recreations of some scenes). Most of these will be changed, as this is an alternate universe, but warnings still apply.
> 
> More tags, pairings and characters will be added as this story continues and those elements appear. This story will extend up until the events of Star Trek (2009). While I have not tagged it yet, this story will obviously lead into the canonical pairing of Spock/Nyota.
> 
> The title of this fic comes from the song "Better Son/Daughter" by Rilo Kiley. The title of Chapter one comes from "Oh Sister" by Bob Dylan.

**2236**

Michael was in a daze. She felt strong arms grabbing her out of the ruins of her hiding spot. She couldn't see clearly. Her head had been rattled by the firing, by the collapse of their home.

"How did they do this so quickly?" The voice belonging to the person holding Michael asked.

"These weren't Klingon weapons," another voice said. "We haven't seen weapons like this since the Kelvin."

"How did Klingons get weapons like were used on the Kelvin?"

"Does it matter?" 

"This kid is lucky to be alive."

"The girl doesn't matter either. The Vulcans said they'd take her. Just get the suit."

Michael blinked, trying to gain her bearings. Her mother... Her father....

"Don't let her see--"

But Michael set her eyes on her mother. What was left of her. She was inside some sort of suit. The glass was cracked in the front. The metal on the sides looked like wings. Blood stained those metallic wings.

She looked like an angel.

A red angel.

* * *

Spock met Michael not long after I-Chaya died. At first, he wondered if his parents were giving him a sister as a replacement for his deceased pet.

He would have preferred a new Sehlet. 

He doesn't want to have another human in the house. More humans being around is a reminder of all that he is not: Fully Vulcan. His mother wasn't Vulcan. The learning disability he inherited from her wasn't Vulcan. Now he had a sister who wasn't Vulcan either.

Was his father testing him? His father wanted him to be Vulcan, but Sarek kept on giving him pulls towards humanity.

Spock did not want a test. He wanted to embrace his Vulcan side. He  _ was _ Vulcan. He lived on Vulcan. Humans were messy and complicated and  _ illogical _ .

He drew a monster in hopes he would scare her out of his room. He hoped it would scare her out of the house. Off of the planet.

Spock would never embrace his human side.

Spock would never embrace Michael.

* * *

For as much as Spock tried to ignore Michael, he knew the sensation stabbing him in the chest was purely human.

Jealousy.

His mother was reading to her. His mother used to do that for him.

Spock knew now why his father had brought Michael into their home. It was not a test. It was not something for Spock to work past.

Michael was the child his mother could dote on. She would no longer have to pay any attention to Spock.

It was logical. His mother was human. She had a human's wants. Spock was unable to be the child she needed or wanted. Michael could be that for her.

It hurt.

Spock could not be the child his mother needed if he was to be the child his father wanted.

So his mother had replaced him.

Spock didn't want to stand outside the room where his mother read to Michael, but he could not stop himself. 

He tried to ignore the quiver of his lip, the shake of his hand as he clenched his fists. He would not allow the tears to fall. 

He was a Vulcan. If his mother wanted a human, she could have one.

* * *

Spock was silent after the ceremony with T'Pring. Something did not feel right. Then, he had never been through a bonding ceremony before. Maybe it was something he needed to get used to. But he did not like the extra bit inside of his head that was her. He did his best to push it aside. It felt wrong, so he would ignore it.

He sat outside of their house, half meditating on what had happened. He was not deep enough in it that he did not sense Michael sitting down next to him.

"No one will tell me what happened to you today," Michael said quietly. "But your-- our-- parents were fighting before it."

Spock opened his eyes and looked to Michael. "I was married," he replied calmly.

"What?" Michael's mouth hung open for a moment. She shook her head. "But you're just a kid!"

"My bond will not be fully secured until I am a full adult, but my bride and I were bonded today." Spock wasn't concerned about the ceremony. It was something that was expected of him, as a member of a highly respected house.

But there was something about what Michael had said that bothered him. "They were fighting?"

His parents never fought. His father was too logical for it. He always pointed out to his mother why his position was correct. "My parents do not fight."

"All parents fight," Michael replied. "They just don't do it in front of you because they don't want to upset you."

"I do not get upset," Spock pointed out. "Do you know what they fought about?"

"You," Michael's voice was soft and gentle. "Your mother was worried about the ceremony today."

What did his mother understand about the ceremony? Then... Hadn't Spock been wondering himself why he felt so strange? Maybe she knew more than he thought.

"I am not supposed to see T'Pring again until our marriage," Spock explained. He looked down at his feet. He didn't know why he was telling Michael. Then again... Was there anyone else he would be able to tell? He had no friends. His parents would just fight again. "It seems illogical to me that I should be bound to someone I am not allowed to know. If she is to be a part of me, should I not understand who she is?"

"That seems like a logical request." Michael had been around Vulcans for several months. She was starting to understand them. "I would think that it would be beneficial to any bonding that you know the person. Did you like her?"

Spock tilted his head to the side. "I do not know her at all. She is in my head. But it feels... Unnatural."

"Maybe it is," Michael suggested.

Spock wasn't sure he understood the path of Michael's thinking. "T'Pau is the greatest elder of Vulcan. She would not make a mistake in my bonding match."

"But T'Pau is not you," Michael countered. "If you think it feels unnatural, then logically, for you, it is outside of your nature. Ask yourself one question, Spock: What do you want?"

Spock blinked. He was not sure if anyone had ever asked him such a question before.

* * *

In the months Michael had been in their home, she was acclimatizing more and more to living as a Vulcan.

Spock wasn't sure he saw the logic in changing her hair. Her tight curls were just how her hair naturally was. Spending time straightening it to match a Vulcan's was a waste of time. Vulcans wore their hair as they did because that was how it naturally fell. It was not even consistent throughout their entire species. Many darker complexioned Vulcans had hair very similar to Michael's. Why did she not just wear their hair how they did?

Spock was no longer jealous of Michael's budding relationship with his-- their-- mother. She was not a test for him, as their father encouraged Spock to interact with Michael. Spock allowed his feelings towards Michael to change to curiosity.

So instead Spock asked questions of Michael. He wanted to understand why she did what she did. She was very different than he was and learning from her would give him a better knowledge base. infinite diversity in infinite combinations was a basic Vulcan tenant, after all.

Spock was watching Michael as she attempted the  _ ta'al _ . She giggled when she was unable to get her middle finger to separate from her ring finger. "You are amused by your own error," Spock pointed out.

She nodded and sat down across from him. "Yeah."

"That is... Illogical." Spock looked down. The sound of Michael's laughter was pleasant, even if he didn't understand it. He had never been able to laugh like that. "Emotions confuse me."

Michael nodded and offered Spock a smile. It was comforting to him. "Me too," she admitted.

His father would have chastised him for giving any thought to his feelings. His mother would have just told him to embrace the confusion. Those at school would have made fun of him for having emotions in the first place.

But Michael felt the same as he did.

He had never felt such a connection. It threatened to overwhelm him in the very feelings he had said he did not understand. He could not voice it, so he simply raised his hand. Michael pressed her hand to his. Spock knew that humans did not place the same significance on the touch of hands that Vulcans did. 

Michael was his sister. And he would show her affection. It was not the hug humans seemed to want to have, but it was what he could offer.

Slowly, he separated his fingers, letting Michael mimic his movements.

Michael smiled at him as she mastered the salute. But it was more than that. Spock knew she could feel what he felt, just as he was feeling what she felt. The corners of his mouth slowly turned up.

He was alone on Vulcan. He would never fit in. Not really. Neither would Michael. They could be outcasts together.

* * *

Spock ran after Michael as she wandered around the forest outskirts outside of their house. "Where are you going?" Spock asked. "It is dangerous near the forest at night."

"I'm just walking around," Michael said, her voice quiet. There was something not right. Spock could tell. "I'll be in before it gets too dark."

"I should stay with you," Spock insisted. He puffed out his chest, trying to look taller than he really was. "I know more about what is out here."

"I just want to think," Michael murmured softly.

"You allow me to tell you my thoughts," Spock replied. "Maybe you can tell me your thoughts too. A second opinion can be helpful."

Michael stopped walking and looked down at Spock. She then shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. "I've been on Vulcan for a year."

Spock nodded knowingly. "It is the anniversary of your parents' deaths."

"I miss them," Michael admitted. Spock was not good at emotions, but the one on her face was clear. It was great sadness.

"But they are dead," Spock replied. "What is the logic in yearning for them? They cannot be returned to you."

Another emotion flashed over Michael's face and while Spock wasn't sure what it was, it made him take a step back. But Michael seemed to soften after a moment. "How would you feel if your parents were gone? Or if I was?"

Spock thought about the suggestion. If his mother or Michael were no longer with him... There was an ache in his stomach at the idea. He shook his head. "I do not like that prospect."

At those words, Michael fell to her knees. Spock approached her slowly, placing a hand on her shoulder. He had seen his mother do this with Michael in the early days. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her.

Spock had never initiated such a gesture. Yes, his mother had hugged him when he was younger and his father was not around... But Spock had never made the movement to touch another being.

He did not find it to be unpleasant.

"I do not know how to assist you," Spock admitted. "But humans do this, do they not?"

Michael nodded against him. "Yes, they do."

"Humans comfort each other when they feel sadness," Spock stated. "They hug each other."

Michael nodded again. She sniffled and pulled back, wiping the tears away from her cheeks.

Spock looked down, considering the thought that had come into his head. It seemed like something strange to express, but he wanted to all the same. "I grieve with you, Michael. But... I am... Happy that you are here. With me."

Michael pulled him into another hug. Spock's back stiffened. "Are you still sad?"

Michael shook her head. "No, Spock... I'm not. I'm happy I'm with you too."

Spock wrapped his arms back around her. "I do not understand your emotions."

He felt Michael give him an extra squeeze. "I'll help you learn about emotions. If you help me not be sad."

Spock nodded. "I would like that."

* * *

"You can not move that piece there," Spock pointed out. He sat across from Michael, the three-dimensional chess set between them.

Michael put the piece back into its proper place. She then touched another one. "But I can move this one?"

Spock nodded his head. "You were telling me about what Luna looks like."

"No one on Earth calls it Luna," Michael replied. "People just call it the moon. We've only got the one. But it looks huge in the sky at night... On the full moon, my dad used to take me out and we would look at it through a telescope. You can see New Berlin on it without it, but with a powerful enough telescope you can see people walking around..."

"Vulcan has no moon," Spock looked out of the window. "We can see Delta Vega. I've never looked at it through a telescope."

"We should do that sometime," Michael looked to Spock for approval of her move. He nodded his head. "It might be fun."

"There is not a lot there." Spock made his own move. He of course would be able to beat Michael, but he was in no hurry to do so. He just enjoyed being able to play the game with her. "I would rather look at Luna-- the Moon. We should go to Earth and look at it."

"Maybe when we go to visit Mother's family," Michael suggested.

Spock shook his head. "We have never visited Mother's family. Well, Mother has when Father has business on Earth. But I have not left Vulcan."

"Never?" Michael blinked at him.

"Father thought it would be best to not confuse me," Spock nudged the board, silently indicating it was Michael's turn. "He said when I turned ten I could leave Vulcan."

"Do you like being stuck here?" Michael finally moved her bishop.

"I have no basis for comparison so I can form no adequate preference for one over the other." Spock hesitated to make his own move. He glanced up at Michael. "It does seem illogical that I should be denied the chance at a wider variety of experiences."

"We'll go to Earth someday," Michael promised.

Spock finally moved his knight, taking Michael's rook. "You want to live there again?"

Michael frowned and averted her eyes. "My family is here now. However... It would be nice to live on Earth again."

Spock's mouth curved in a small smile. "If you return to living on Earth, I will go with you."

Michael broke into a large smile. "I'd like that."

* * *

Spock was not supposed to be at the Learning Center so late. He had overridden his pod to allow him extra information on the Kelvin disaster. There was something odd about it. Spock didn't know what compelled him to learn more about it. He found it fascinating. It was just one ship that was destroyed, but there was something special about it.

The explosion sent Spock sprawling to the floor of his pod. The holographic screens shorted out. He shook his head, trying to regain his equilibrium.

Michael. Michael was still in the Learning Center. He had seen her. She was having difficulty with her Klingon history. He crawled across the rubble, desperate to find her.

He felt the tears in his eyes start as he laid his eyes on her. She was badly injured. She wasn't breathing.

"Michael!" Spock sobbed desperately. He shook her "Michael, wake up!"

His hand trembled as he cupped her face. His fingers instinctively found her psi-points. He closed his eyes and begged her to wake up.

He had never done a mind meld before. He knew how, but he'd never had the chance. Michael's mind opened up to him and his mind opened up to her. Her eyes flew open and she stared up at him.

She wiped the tears away from her face that had started to stream as soon as he'd linked their minds.

Exhausted, Spock slumped down beside Michael. She cradled him close to her. Dimly, Spock could hear the voice of their father as he found them laying together in the ruins of the learning center.

* * *

In the days following the attack by the separatists, Spock and Michael did not speak to each other. Michael did not speak to anyone.

Even without words, Spock knew what was going through her mind. The meld was broken, but the bond that had been created was still strong.

She was his sister. It was not a biological fact, but it was true in every other sense of the word. They were being raised together. The connection that was forged between them just secured their familial bond.

So when Michael started to leave the house with her backpack, Spock was waiting for her with his bag. Michael shook her head. "You can't come with me, Spock."

Spock trailed after her. "I know everything you are going to say," Spock replied. "You will try to hurt my feelings to get me to stay because you want to protect me. You know the separatists hate me more than they hate you. You are human and do not know better. I am an abomination."

Michael grit her teeth and reached out to grab Spock's shoulder. "You  _ are not _ ..."

"Their goal was to kill both of us," Spock pointed out. "Logically, if you desire me to be safe, I should go with you."

"How do you know all of this?" Michael asked plaintively.

"I was in your mind," Spock replied. He adjusted his bag. "And we are bound as brother and sister. Please don't send me away, Michael. We can go to Earth. Together."

Michael hesitated for a long moment. She then reached out her hand to Spock. He took it and they started to run.


	2. The Road is Long With Many a Winding Turn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael and Spock secure their familial bond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother" by The Hollies.

**2237**

Michael had no idea where she was going. She just knew she had to get out of the house of Sarek. She needed to protect them from the separatists. 

But Spock was _right_. He was a target as much as she was, maybe more. More than that, she could feel his soul. His precious _human_ soul. 

The mind meld they'd experienced had done something to her. It was like there was something of Spock still inside of her head. This little voice that told her how much he needed her. It was that which really made her bring him with her. She knew that she couldn't leave him.

"Where are we going to go?" Spock asked. Michael was holding tightly to his small hand. She felt his anxiety in her as if it were her own, the sensation within her heightened ever since she touched him. Of course. Vulcans were touch telepaths. It made senses that she should be able to feel what he did.

For such a little boy who tried so hard to suppress his emotions, Spock seemed to have so many of them that threatened to overwhelm Michael.

"We'll have to hide," Michael replied. Yes, it was the only logical thing. "We can't go anywhere tonight, but in the morning we can find a transport."

Spock tugged at her hand. He pointed to a cave. "We must shelter ourselves from the nocturnal predators. There."

Michael allowed Spock to lead her to the cave. He began to move rocks to shield the entrance. Despite being younger than her, Spock was still stronger than Michael due to his Vulcan heritage.

When he was finally satisfied with their protection, Spock sat down on the ground. Michael sat down beside him.

"Can we go to Earth?" Spock looked up at Michael with shining, dark eyes. "I can hide my ears and we can be humans."

"You don't have to hide your ears. You _are_ human, but you're also Vulcan." Michael touched a hand to his face. "Never, ever think otherwise. The only thing you have to be is _Spock_."

Spock gave a small nod. "Still, Earth would be the most logical place for us to go. There are many Vulcans who live there along with the native humans. We can fit in!"

He then went quiet, looking down. "Well... You will fit in. I have doubts I will be able to fit in wherever we go."

Michael frowned at the mournful expression on Spock's face. She placed a hand on his shoulder. "You know you'll find somewhere you fit in. You're going to find people who realize just how great you are."

Spock scooted closer. He snuggled in against Michael. She furrowed her brow, wrapping her arm around him. "You don't usually do this."

"The temperature falls greatly at night," Spock replied, his voice slightly muffled. "It is logical of me to share my body heat in order to prevent you from being cold."

Michael didn't really believe him. She wasn't going to mention it. Vulcans might have emotions-- especially young half-Vulcans-- but they didn't talk about them. But she would indulge her little brother.

"You do this with Mother," Spock murmured. "She used to do this with me. When she would read to me. She does not read to me anymore. Father told her I needed to read on my own."

With her free hand, Michael reached into her pack. She pulled out the book she'd taken. She didn't want to steal their mother's book, but she also couldn't bear to leave it. She opened it up. Spock snuggled in closer to her. 

"Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it..."

* * *

"Our children ran away, Sarek!"

Michael cringed as she heard her mother yelling at her father. She was in the bathroom, trying to get clean. She and Spock had just been brought home. It took thirty-six hours for anyone to find them. They had tried boarding a transport, but there had been a bulletin put out about their disappearance. They'd been returned home swiftly.

The normally reserved Lady Amanda was not holding back in her emotions. 

"They were nearly killed in a bombing and you _immediately_ left! They needed you! But you left! And they _ran away!_ "

"It was necessary to discover who had attacked the Learning Center. I was attempting to protect our children."

There was a knock on the door to the bathroom. Michael opened it and saw Spock on the other side. His face was still dirty and his eyes were wide. Michael put a hand on top of his head, giving him a weak smile, hoping to reassure him.

Their parents continued to fight down in their bedroom. Michael wet a towel and began to clean off Spock's face. Once he was clean, she finished cleaning herself up. 

Satisfied that they were both clean after their adventures, Spock silently led Michael to his bedroom. He wordlessly began to set up the chessboard.

The sounds of arguing continued to echo through the house, but they ignored it in favour of their chess match.

* * *

Michael didn't know what was a better sight: Earth rapidly coming closer or Spock pressing his face up against the window so he could get a better look at it. The connection between them had lessened somewhat in the weeks since the mind meld, but Michael didn't require a mental bond with Spock to sense his excitement. It was clear on his face. 

There had been a change in Spock since their melding. Oh, he was still _Spock_... But he didn't seem so reticent to letting his emotions out. 

Perhaps that was the reason Sarek had chosen not to accompany the family to visit Amanda's mother. 

Their father had been unable to argue their mother's logic. The learning center would be closed for several months until they could rebuild. Lessons were to be done via tutors until the rebuilding was complete. As Michael and Spock had been targeted by the extremists, removing them from Vulcan was the only course of action.

Michael wished it hadn't happened under such dire circumstances, but she was happy to be going back to Earth, even if it was just temporary.

And Spock was off Vulcan for the first time. Michael only hoped he would find a sense of belonging on Earth that he'd never found on Vulcan.

"Spock, back in your seat," Amanda urged her son. "Put on your seat belt."

Spock sat back down beside Michael, putting on his belt. He looked up at Michael, eyes wide. "Will you show me everything?"

Michael nodded. "Yeah. Of course."

* * *

"Michael! Michael!"

Michael sighed as she heard Spock calling for her across the street. She had thought she'd lost him for a little bit. She looked to her companion. She and Peter had been trying to grab time alone for weeks, ever since they'd met. He was the son of an Admiral that Amanda had introduced them to at some party. Amanda got invited to a lot of parties, serving as Sarek's representative on Earth while they stayed there.

Oh, it's not that Michael didn't _want to be_ with Spock. But she also wanted to be with Peter. She had never gotten those butterfly feelings in her stomach before. She had been feeling them ever since she and Peter were introduced. It was scary, but it was also really exciting.

She and Peter hadn't done anything other than holding hands. He was a bit older than her. Fourteen to her eleven. She didn't know what he expected of her. Maybe he wanted to kiss her.

Michael wanted him to want to kiss her.

But it was hard to do that when Spock was always trailing behind them.

Michael gave Peter an apologetic smile, pulling her hands away from him. "I need to talk to Spock."

Peter frowned deeply. "He can handle himself, you know? He's a pretty capable kid."

Michael stood up. Spock might have been a capable kid, but he was also a needy one who wasn't sure how to act on Earth... Or Vulcan, for that matter. "I'll be back soon. I promise. It'll be easier if I talk to him."

She crossed the street and stood in front of her brother. He raised his head, his face impassive. "We were going to play chess."

Michael put a hand on Spock's shoulder, leading him back towards the embassy. "Spock, I know you want to do things with me... But I want to do things with Peter too. I like spending time with him."

Spock allowed Michael to lead him. "I do not understand. Why do you wish to be around Peter more than me? Have I done something?"

Michael shook her head. "No, Spock... Of course not. But Peter's nice. He's my age."

"He is three years older than you," Spock pointed out. "I am four years younger than you. The age difference is negligible."

"But you're my brother," Michael countered. "Being around an older boy is a lot different than being around your little brother, even if the age difference is the same. Spock, I think I love him. Do you understand that?"

Spock's eyebrows knit together. "Love is a biochemical trick the brain plays in order to propagate the species. As you have not reached your sexual maturity yet via the beginning of your menstruation cycle it is illogical for you to fall in love."

"Dammit, Spock!" Michael's cheeks grew hot. "Can we please not talk about periods? Love and sex are two different things. When you love someone, you want to be around them. You want to just... Be with them. You want to hear them talk about anything, just because you like hearing them say things. They make you laugh. They make you happy."

Spock nodded slowly. "Under those parameters, I love you, Michael."

Michael sighed and leaned in, giving Spock a hug. "I love you too, Spock. But in a different way than I love Peter."

Spock hugged Michael back. "That is reassuring, as our adoptive familial relationship as well as my young age precludes any romance."

"Yuck." Michael wrinkled her nose and pulled back. "Do me a favour, Spock... Never, ever mention us in theoretical romance again, even if it is negative. Those words just do not belong together."

Spock nodded. "I agree. You are my sister. But we have a familial connection. But that we have familial connection means that I wish to spend time with you."

Michael nodded and stood back up straight. She took a hold of Spock's hand. "Come on. Let's go play that game of chess."

"What about Peter? Is he not waiting for you?"

Michael led Spock back towards the embassy. "He can wait until you kick my butt in chess."

* * *

Michael thought that things were settled, until three weeks later. Things had progressed between her and Peter. They'd kissed a few times-- even once with tongue!-- and everything seemed to be going well. Michael was only worried about what would happen once she returned to Vulcan.

She didn't not anticipate going to meet Peter and finding him on the ground, Spock on top of him, hitting him.

Michael ran towards them. "Spock! Spock! What are you doing?"

Spock paid no attention to Michael, continuing to hit Peter. Michael raced up to him and grabbed him by the shoulders, trying to haul him up. Unfortunately, handling an angry Vulcan was not exactly an easy thing to do. 

With all of her strength, she was able to pull her little brother off of Peter. Spock was panting for breath, his eyes alight with actual anger.

"Your brother is _crazy_ , Mike!" Peter snapped as he struggled back to his feet.

Michael looked around. She then saw the girl hiding behind a recycling bin. While most of the mess on Peter was his own blood, there was a smear of lipstick on his throat. She looked to Spock and understood what had happened. 

Now it was Michael's turn. She wound up and slammed her fist into Peter's jaw, sending him sprawling onto the ground.

Michael looked down at Spock and gave him a small smile. He held out his hand to her. Michael took it and allowed him to lead her back to the embassy.

"Are you going to cry?" Spock asked. "My research indicates that girls often cry when the man they were in love with is unfaithful."

"I know you don't do well with crying," Michael replied. In truth, she did feel the tears prickling in her eyes. She didn't want to do it in front of Spock, but the betrayal she felt was deep.

"If you need to cry, it is acceptable," Spock squeezed her hand. "Mother says an emotional outburst can be healthy."

"Then why don't you have emotional outbursts?"

"They are healthy for _humans_."

* * *

**2241**

Michael sat down next to Spock. She looked over his face, the green bruising readily apparent on his skin. If she still learned on the same level of the VLC that Spock was, she would have made sure those awful boys didn't hurt him so much. But it seemed like he had handled himself.

Or maybe he didn't. She could see how his eyes were shining. She could hear the argument from their parents. It was all about Spock.

Michael put an arm around Spock and pulled him close to her. "If you need to cry, it is acceptable. Mother says an emotional outburst can be healthy."

Spock hugged Michael close to him and she felt his small body tremble as he let out the tears.


	3. What's your Price for Flight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As they grow older, both Spock and Michael have to make choices for the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from Sister Christian by Night Ranger.

**2249**

Spock sat down next to Michael. Her hands were shaking as she tried to contain her emotions. He could feel it coming off of her in waves, the disappointment and shame at not being selected for the Vulcan Expeditionary Group.

He knew she wished to cry. He had not seen her cry since they were young, since she had her heart broken by Peter.

She had changed in those years. As she had tried to teach him about humanity, she had embraced being a Vulcan. They had spent so many years on Vulcan, with Vulcans...

Spock wanted Michael to cry. He wanted her to let go of the tumultuous emotions that were threatening to tear her apart.

"Father says Starfleet will welcome someone who was trained at the Vulcan Science Academy," Spock said quietly. He reached out and nudged her hand with his. "You will excel there. I foresee you having your own Captaincy within a decade."

Michael finally turned to face Spock and he could see how hard she was trying to keep the stoicism on her face. "I have failed our father."

Spock nodded his head. "Something I achieve on a daily basis."

Finally, Spock took her hand. Michael's emotions were like ashes in his mouth, bitter and disgusting. But she could not stop them, anymore than Spock could stop the anger that frequently coursed through him. "Father will not know," Spock murmured. "I will not tell him if you wish to display emotions."

Michael's lip quivered and she held her head high. "It is my display of emotions that kept me from the Expeditionary Group. If it were based on aptitude alone, I would have been accepted. They knew I could not handle the rigours of a Vulcan work ethic. I am insufficient."

Spock squeezed Michael's hand. "You told me once that the only thing I had to be was Spock. Conversely, the only thing you need to be sufficient is Michael. You are exemplary. I do not see the logic in the Expeditionary Group denying themselves a capable crewman based on their heritage. If we are to follow the ideology of _Kol-Ut-Shan_ , we must follow it in practice. Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations should not be just words. This is a failure to follow that, which will be a great loss to the Vulcan science world. But it will be a gain for Starfleet, should you choose to follow that path."

Michael let go of Spock's hand. "Starfleet was never my ambition. To be around all of those humans. It will be difficult to resist becoming like them."

Spock's mouth curved up in a small, reassuring smile. "I like when you are like a human."

* * *

Months after Spock comforted Michael about her own life plans, she found herself confronting him about his. "How could you do that, Spock?"

Spock's eyebrow rose at Michael. He adjusted his sweater. "Have I done something to displease you?"

"You turned down the Science Academy," Michael replied, unable to hide the emotions in her voice. "Sarek is furious."

"Father does not become furious," Spock pointed out. He held his hands behind his back, keeping his posture straight.

Michael shook her head. "No, you didn't see him. He showed emotion, Spock. Your choice..."

"Was _my_ choice," Spock finished for her. He could feel his anger rising. "The Council made it clear to me they did not respect me and simply tolerated me. The ultimate goal of attending the Science Academy to join the Expeditionary Group. If they hold such disdain for me as an applicant, they will continue as such throughout my schooling as they did you. Ultimately, I will most likely follow the same path as you and be rejected from the Expeditionary Group. Thus, it is logical for me to instead cultivate my education within Starfleet, where I will be able to tailor my training to match my ultimate career path."

Michael calmed at this. She gave a small nod. "That is a logical assumption. Still.... Father is disappointed."

Spock remembered how his father had just sat there on the Council while mother-- Sarek's own wife-- was insulted. "I disappoint him... He disappoints me. The sun sets, a new day begins." 

Michael lowered her head. "Did you do this because of me?"

Spock nodded. "You were a factor. As I previously stated, their treatment of you gives a reasonable template for how I might expect to be treated."

He looked over her hologram, dressed in her blue and silver Starfleet uniform. "All people require templates to follow. People who go along a path that they find admirable and wish to emulate. While our parents are exemplary for their accomplishments, they have been inappropriate guides for me. Father is too Vulcan while Mother is too human. I am somewhere between these two extremes. You are the only person I know in a similar situation. You are, to use a human idiom, my hero, Michael. You have been since you came to our home. It is logical of me to forge a similar path to you. You are thriving on the USS Shenzhou. You seem to be content there. I wish..." Spock paused. "I wish to find that same contentment. Neither of us ever belonged on Vulcan. But we may both belong in Starfleet."

It had been far too long since Spock had seen an honest smile from his sister. But there it was.

* * *

Spock's nostrils flared as he stared down his father. He would not give in. He would not allow the anger seething inside him out. He was in control of his emotions. He would not let them control him.

Sarek's voice was even. Nothing about his outward appearance betrayed what Spock knew his father was experiencing.

Anger.

Disappointment.

Both were emotions, but Vulcans felt deeper than humans. That was why they went to such lengths to mask them. Sarek was barely able to maintain his composure while confronting his son.

"Any Vulcan would have been honoured to have the opportunity you did." Sarek's teeth were gritted.

"I was honoured," Spock replied. He sounded sarcastic. He couldn't help it. "I was honoured, but I turned it down as I was granted another honour. One which will serve me better. The Vulcan Science Academy has only Vulcan members. Starfleet has both Vulcan and Humans. It is a much more logical place for a Human-Vulcan hybrid."

Sarek's hand was shaking slightly. "Spock, you do not understand what I sacrifice to give you these opportunities."

"Sacrifice?" Spock questioned, eyebrow raising. "Please. Enlighten me, Father."

"If you do not attend the Vulcan Science Academy, you cannot join the Vulcan Expeditionary Group."

Spock nodded. "Yes, I am aware of that. It seems unlikely I would have been selected, as Michael was top of her class and was not selected, due her human heritage."

"She wasn't selected because of you!" 

The emotional outburst from Sarek shocked Spock. He blinked at his father and felt his body relax slightly. Somehow, hearing that calmed him. "What did I do?"

"The Expeditionary Group would only take one of you. I was asked to choose. I chose you."

Spock tilted his head. "A most illogical course of action, Father. The Expeditionary Group was Michael's dream. Not mine. You made a choice for her and myself. You had no right to make such a decision."

"I am your father. I have every right."

Spock shook his head. "No, you did not. And you are aware of it. That is why you are so grieved now. You robbed Michael of an opportunity to give it to me... Only I do not wish for it. But I am grateful for your intervention. You have spared both Michael and me from a life where we are treated as second-class citizens due to our heritages."

Spock approached his father slowly. "You sat there. While they insulted your bondmate. You are meant to protect her. If you are disappointed in me for my decision, try to imagine how disappointed I am in you, Father. My bondmate would never suffer such indignities in front of me."

Spock pulled back, feeling the anger coursing through his blood. "I will be taking a transport to Earth in the morning. If I am to be a disappointment to you, the least I can do is do it out of your sight."

Spock went to his room to pack the rest of his things. Not for the first time in his life, he thought about what would have happened if he and Michael had not been found when they had attempted to run away. If they had made it to Earth. If he'd been allowed to live there.

"Spock."

He turned at his mother's gentle voice. He took a hold of her hand. "Mother, do you regret what you said to me? That you would always be a proud mother?"

Amanda shook her head. "Not for a moment, Spock. Your father doesn't understand. You need to find your own way. You are doing what is right for you. Of course I am proud."

Spock felt the gentle warmth of her hand, the pride radiating from her. "When I am in San Francisco, if you wish to visit me..."

"Of course I'll visit you." Amanda cupped his face. "We both will."

Spock shook his head. "I doubt it." He looked to his things. "My transport leaves first thing. I should finish packing."

Amanda leaned in and gave Spock a kiss on the cheek.

He turned back to his things, packing them away methodically.

He was a child of two worlds, yet he had always been in Vulcan. He had always tried to be Vulcan. Clearly, he was no good at that.

Perhaps it was time for him to see what it was like to truly be human.


	4. And I'm Finally Free to be Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael confronts Sarek about his choice, while Spock experiences his first acts of rebellion at Starfleet Academy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from "My Father's Son" by Pearl Jam (or as I call them "Daddy Issues: The Band").

**2250**

Michael stood stock straight beside Captain Georgiou. She called upon all of her training to suppress her nerves. She had been trained as a Vulcan. She could stop herself from being nervous.

"Try to relax, Lieutenant," Georgiou commented.

Michael swallowed hard. "Easier said than done."

The figures materialized on the transporter pad and Michael stood up straighter still. Her parents stepped off the pad. Amanda immediately made her way to Michael, taking her hands.

"Michael." Her mother leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. "Look at you! And already a Lieutenant!"

"I don't know what I would do without her, Lady Amanda," Georgiou commented. "She is the best Science Officer in Starfleet. Welcome to Shenzhou." She then held up her hand in the _Ta'al_ to Sarek. "Ambassador Sarek."

Sarek returned the gesture. "Thank you for your hospitality, Captain."

"We'll be leaving towards Trill immediately. Lieutenant Burnham will be escorting you to the guest quarters. If you will excuse me, I must go to the bridge."

Georgiou left. Michael looked over Amanda and Sarek. It had been months since she had seen them. She kept her rigid stance in front of them.

"You appear well," Sarek commented.

Michael gave a brief nod. "I am."

They walked silently through the corridors of the Shenzhou. When they arrived at the door to the guest quarters, Amanda gave Michael another hug. "We hope to see you later, but we won't keep you from your work. It is clear you Captain Georgiou relies on you greatly."

Michael kept a cool expression on her face. "Indeed she does. Was this your wisdom in denying me entry into the Vulcan Expeditionary Group, Sarek? Because you knew how well I'd do in Starfleet?"

Sarek's back stiffened. He turned to Amanda. "It appears I need to speak to Michael. Please excuse us."

Sarek walked alongside Michael towards the bridge. He held his hands behind his back, his head bowed slightly. "You have spoken to Spock."

"Of course I have," Michael replied. She felt her anger rising, but she didn't want to show it. Not to Sarek of all people. "He is my brother. Of course I would speak to him."

"You are disappointed in me," Sarek commented.

Michael stopped and turned to face Sarek. She looked over the face of her father, his expression betraying none of the emotions she knew he felt. "I am disappointed that your decision was based solely on emotions rather than logic. You showed pride in your bloodline and wanted to justify it to other Vulcans by having Spock in the Expeditionary Group. But logically, you should have spoken to Spock and I about our own goals. The prejudice against Spock due to his hybridic nature has always been more extreme than those against me for my alien origins. But in the end, I believe you have paid a high price for your error. Neither of your children will enrich Vulcan's scientific endeavours. And you have lost your son."

Sarek raised his chin up. "Spock is an adult who can make his own decisions. I have not 'lost' him."

"And yet I know you have not spoken to him since he left for the Academy," Michael retorted.

"And have I lost you as well, Michael?" Sarek asked. "I betrayed you."

Michael shook her head. "No. You made a mistake. Yes, I was angry that you made me believe I wasn't good enough... But I know you better than you think, Father. You were forced into an impossible decision you did not want to make. And you regret your choice every day."

"Regret is an emotion," Sarek replied.

"And yet here we are." Michael looked over her father calmly. "What else will come from your mistake?"

* * *

"Oh come on, Spock!" Puri gave Spock a smack on the back. It was ineffective, not even jolting him. "You came out here... Are you just going to _sit_ there?"

Spock cocked an eyebrow at his roommate. He then looked around the bar. "I am unsure what is required of me. You suggested we 'go to a bar'. I was under the impression we had succeeded in our endeavour."

"Well, you're _not_ just supposed to sit there!" Puri gestured around the bar. "You're supposed to... Talk to people, have a drink."

Spock tilted his head slightly. "Cadet Puri, if the goal is to intoxicate me, alcoholic beverages do not work on Vulcans in that manner. It is chocolate that causes a similar intoxication in my species."

Puri rolled his eyes. "Can you _please_ call me 'Rohan'? I've been your roommate for months. We've seen each other naked. And I don't call _you_ by your last name."

Spock didn't really get what Puri seeing him naked had to do with referring to him by his first name. Of course they were going to see each other unclothed. They shared living space. It was illogical for them to hide themselves when in the privacy of their own room. "You do not refer to me by my last name because you are unable to pronounce it. I have only met two humans who are able to and both are in my immediate family."

Puri groaned and put his head on the table. "Spock... Seriously. The first day you arrived at the Academy, you told me you wanted to 'explore the human experience'. Human friends call each other by their first names. They go to bars and drink."

Spock blinked and looked down at Puri. "We are... Friends?"

Puri-- no, Rohan-- raised his head. He gave a nod. "Yeah, Spock. I mean, don't get me wrong... You're super weird. But it's kind of endearing on you. I just wanna help you out. So if you wanna be human, you're going to embrace being human. Waitress!" He held a hand up. "Can we get a chocolate martini over here?"

A few minutes later, a glass was set on the table. Rohan gestured to it. "Well?"

Spock looked at the glass. "You want me to drink this?"

Rohan nodded. "Yeah. I want you to drink this. And possibly another. And then you're going to talk to that cute blonde over at the bar who keeps looking at you."

Spock looked over at the girl glancing over at him. His eyebrow rose. "She finds me attractive?"

"Yeah." Rohan slapped him on the back. "Come on, Spock... The human experience."

* * *

"OH!" Rohan clapped his hands together enthusiastically as he and Spock walked back towards the campus. "Good work there. I didn't know if you were going to get her comm number, but you did it. What was her name?"

"Leila," Spock replied. "She seemed pleasant. I will contact her soon." Spock was feeling wobbly on his feet. He'd ingested a number of the chocolate martinis Rohan had ordered for him. While he found the alcohol to be useless, the chocolate content was enough to intoxicate him.

He had never felt such a loss of control before. His ability to maintain perfect logic was impaired and... He didn't mind it. In fact, he was exhilarated by it. 

His father would consider him _V'tosh ka'tur_... And that itself was enough to make Spock revel in the experience. "What else can I do that is human?" Spock asked Rohan, not bothering to suppress the eagerness in his voice.

"There's a lot." Rohan nodded, stumbling a bit. "I'm going to have fun if you're finally loosening up."

Spock suddenly stopped, looking up at a building. It was still open despite the late hour. His lip quirked up slightly. "I want to do this."

Rohan's eyes widened. "What? You've had too much to drink... This is..."

"A very human type of rebellion," Spock finished for him. "My father would not approve of this."

Rohan shook his head. Doing something to piss off your father was always a bad idea. And while it wasn't against regulations, it would certainly raise eyebrows. "At least wait until you're sober. They won't even do it while you're drunk..."

Spock straightened up, smoothing down his shirt. Even though Rohan knew about his inebriated state, you couldn't tell just by looking at Spock. Maybe it was because he was a Vulcan. You didn't expect it of him. "I will be fine. If I decide I do not wish to have it any longer, dermal regeneration can heal the damage within minutes."

Before Rohan could say anything else to the contrary, Spock had gone into the building. Spock was quickly in the chair, his head tilted to the side.

About ten minutes later they emerged, a gold stud in Spock's earlobe.


	5. You were Always so Far Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael sees how being on Earth has changed Spock, while Spock experiences something very human.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from "Brother" by Alice in Chains.

Michael blinked once. She blinked twice. Somehow, she thought the holographic image in front of her would change.

It had been months since she had seen Spock. Communication with Earth was sparse and they had both been busy. She'd missed him. They had never gone so long without seeing each other.

Now, when she looked at him... She didn't know what she was seeing.

She had expected him to be the same old Spock. Neatly combed bowl cut, measured expression.... With the only change a neatly pressed red Starfleet Academy uniform.

He had stubble. Almost enough to be called a beard. When had her little brother gotten old enough to need to shave? Of course, it had probably been several years previous, he had just been so fastidious about doing so that she hadn't noticed. But he had let it go.

His hair.... Oh, that was certainly a shock to her. Vulcan didn't wear their hair like he was. It had grown longer, pushed back off of his forehead, only a few tendrils falling, just grazing the top of his tilted eyebrows. He was wearing a long coat, some sort of faux black leather. And there was a glint on metal from one ear.

"What has the Academy _done_ to you?" Michael asked.

Spock straightened up and for a moment, Michael saw a flash of her brother in there. "As I am now residing on Earth, I am attempting to acclimatize myself to Human practices. I believe the saying goes 'When in Rome, do as the Romans do'."

Michael nodded, putting her head in her hands. "Yeah. That is a saying. I'm just surprised. I didn't think cadets looked like this."

"When they are not in class, we can dress as we like. You look different as well," Spock commented, looking her over. "I can see it in your stance. I can hear it in your words. You are also acclimatizing to being around humans."

Spock wasn't wrong. Captain Georgiou had made Michael her pet project. Wanted to make sure that Michael knew how to be a human as much as she acted like a Vulcan. It had been too easy to fall into it. "I suppose it's as weird for you to see me like this as it is for me to see you like that."

Spock shook his head. "No. You are you. You are Michael, rather than the Michael Sarek wanted you to be."

The emotion on Spock's face was plain in a way it had never been before. The anger and hurt there. Michael frowned. "I'm guessing things still aren't going well with you and Father?"

"Sarek and I have not spoken since I left for the Academy," Spock replied. "It is for the best that we sever our connection to one another. We have nothing remaining between us aside from a common genealogy."

Michael sighed. "Spock, he's your Father."

"If he wishes to speak to me, he knows where I am. I do not see why I must make the attempt to mend our relationship. He does not understand me. He does not know me." Spock's voice remained harsh. "And he will not know me. Not any longer. If I am a failure as a Vulcan, I will endeavour to fail as spectacularly possible."

Spock had turned into a rebellious teenager. It had taken him until he was twenty, but... There it was. Michael sighed, "Please tell me you don't plan to fail out of your classes."

Spock's eyebrow rose. Well, at least not everything had changed. "It would be illogical for me to fail out of my classes. It is my choice of schooling which has caused the schism in my relationship with our father. If I am to truly fail in his esteem, I should excel in my Starfleet career."

"There's my brother." Michael smiled. She nodded at him. "I'm still not sure about the rest of this."

Spock brought a hand up to his hair. "You find my appearance to be humorous."

"You pierced your _ear_ , Spock. Father would make an _expression_ over that." Of course that was the point. She let out a laugh. "Thinking about getting a second? Maybe your eyebrow?"

Spock straightened his back. "I actually acquired a second piercing three weeks ago."

Michael looked over Spock. Her eyes widened when she realized she could see no other piercing. "Spock... Do me a favour... _Never_ tell me where it is."

Spock nodded his head. "That seems prudent."

For a second, Michael thought he was joking. But then, Spock didn't seem to have changed so much as to add casual humor to his repertoire. "Okay, I don't want to ask, but I _have_ to ask... _Why?_ "

Spock tilted his head. "I pierced my ear in an attempt to set myself apart from other Vulcans, as it is a highly uncommon practice, albeit not completely unknown. However, I found I enjoyed the experience and wished to replicate it elsewhere."

Michael shook her head. "Well, at least you didn't get a tattoo."

At Spock's silence, Michael blinked. "Tell me you didn't get a tattoo. Spock, _tell me_ you didn't get a tattoo."

Spock shook his head. "You wish me to lie to you, Michael?"

Oh dear. She should have known something like this would happen with Spock. He was on his own, amongst humans. He was angry at his father, wanting to get as far away from Vulcan tradition as possible. 

Spock pushed down one side of his jacket. He then rolled up the sleeve of his black shirt. He turned slightly and Michael could see the IDIC symbol etched into the skin of his bicep. "Such markings are traditional in a number of cultures, both human and otherwise. It is a reminder to explore such cultures. To not let my experience be limited."

Spock trying to justify his rebellious activities was almost cute, even though he'd admitted to wanting to rebel against Sarek. But if it made him happy to do it, so be it. "Well, Spock... If you wanted to do something to rebel against Sarek, I can't think of anything better than that symbol. Just don't do anything you'll end up regretting."

"Enough about me," Spock said, pulling his sleeve down. "Our transmission will not last too long and we have not talked about your promotion. Congratulations on making Lieutenant Commander."

"Thank you." Michael straightened her uniform. She could feel the pride bubbling up in her. "Phillipa has already hinted she might want to make me Commander soon. She really likes me."

"Clearly, if you are comfortable referring to Captain Georgiou by her first name." Spock nodded his head in approval. "I may need to rethink my calculations as to your career timeline. You may make Captain well before you turn thirty."

"No one does that," Michael replied. She looked at the comm display. "Spock, I'm going to lose you soon. Please... Take care of yourself? I mean, it looks like you're having a lot of... New experiences... Just don't get in over your head, Brother."

Spock smiled at Michael. She was glad he felt an ease in doing that now, even if it did come with other rather alarming changes. "Be well, Sister."

As Spock's holo-image disappeared, Michael wondered what activities Spock was getting up to that he _wasn't_ telling her about.

* * *

"Where are you going?" Leila asked, her blond hair rumpled. She covered up her naked body with her blanket.

Spock began to pull his black pants on. "I am expected in my dormitory by 2200. I have no wish to receive a reprimand on my record."

Leila sat up and draped herself over Spock's back. She slipped her hand down his chest, creeping towards the tattoo low on the right side of his torso. "You know, you don't look like a guy who would care about having a reprimand."

Spock pushed aside Leila's hand. That particular spot was still tender. He stood up so he could pull his pants all the way up and zip them up. "I assure you I am very dedicated to the rules."

Leila laid back on the bed. "Guys who follow the rules don't have tattoos and piercings. Especially if they're in Starfleet. You're a bad boy, Spock." She giggled. "I didn't think I'd ever be with a bad boy."

"I assure you that my outward physical appearance has no bearing on my wish to abide by the rules of Starfleet Academy. I have not made any dress code violations with my appearance. All of my body modifications are concealable by my uniform, save for my ear piercing which can be removed. Should a time come when they are made verboten, they can easily be healed by a dermal regenerator." Spock looked around the floor for his shirt.

"What does it mean?" Leila asked.

Spock paused in his search to look at his friend. "To what do you refer?"

"That." Leila placed her hand just above the tattoo over his heart. "I know it's words. Two of them. But I don't know what they mean."

"It is Vulcan," Spock replied. "It is a reminder as to what is most important."

Leila cocked her head. "So... Logic and wisdom or something Vulcan-y like that?"

Spock pulled her hand away. "Something like that. I need to go, Leila."

He located his shirt and pulled it on before grabbing his leather coat. Leila continued to look up at him with soft eyes. "Spock, school break is coming up."

"A fact of which I am well aware, Leila." Spock picked up his boots. He sat down on the edge of the bed to put them on.

Leila edged closer to him. "Are you going back to Vulcan?"

"No," Spock answered just a little too quickly.

"Oh good!" Leila hugged him. "Do you want to come home with me? I've been telling my mother about you. My dad might be a little hard on you, but once he sees how smart you are..."

"I have many projects here to work on," Spock replied. "I see no benefit in putting those off to visit with your family."

"Because they're my family, Spock. And they want to meet my boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?" Spock questioned.

Leila pulled away from him. The expression on her face had changed. She no longer looked happy and sated from their intercourse. She now looked upset. "Yes, Spock. My boyfriend."

"I am your friend," Spock replied. "It is also true I am a male. However, I fail to equate that with being your boyfriend."

Leila's mouth gaped open for a moment. She then gestured to her bed. "Then what are we doing _here_?"

Spock's brow lifted. "We are both physically attracted to one another. Indulging in sexual release together is logical."

"Logical?" Leila repeated. "Does this not mean _anything_ to you?"

Spock gave a nod. "Yes. It is a very gratifying experience."

"That's _it_?" Leila got out of the bed. She grabbed her robe, tying it around herself.

"We have not discussed a change in our relationship parameters outside of friendship," Spock's voice remained neutral. He was puzzled as to why Leila was getting so upset.

"We're discussing it _now_!" Leila cried. "We've been sleeping together for months! All of this time you just thought I was your _friend_?"

"Yes," Spock replied.

"Spock, I _love_ you!" Leila's eyes welled with tears. "Don't you love me?"

Spock looked down at the woman he'd been intimate with. He enjoyed Leila's company. He had also enjoyed having intercourse with her. But he had only ever indulged in it in the human way. It had never even occurred to him to engage in _Emafa Kito_.

He recalled his conversation with Michael, so many years ago, about love. About wanting to spend all of your time with them. About wanting to talk to them just to hear them speak. He enjoyed being with Leila, but he did not feel that way about her. "While I have set aside many of my Vulcans traditions, I am still intrigued by the path of _kolinahr_. I have not discounted such an undertaking in the future. This precludes the formation of romantic entanglements. Perhaps we made an error in not discussing our relationship prior to engaging in intercourse."

Leila grabbed a pillow from the bed. "Get out! Just _get out!_ "

She threw the pillow at Spock. He did not flinch at the attack. It appeared his experimentation with human sexuality had come to an end. While the sensations were pleasurable, he could not say that it would be a large loss for him. He had a lot he wanted to accomplish at school. And it seemed that human women were too emotional for him to bother with.


	6. Though I Know I Can't Feel What You Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael's choices affect both her and Spock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Sister" by 7 Seconds.

**2252**

"You seem to be in a good mood, Commander," Captain Georgiou commented to Michael as they walked down the corridor towards the bridge.

"I am," Michael replied. "I just got a subspace message from Spock. He finished the top of his class this semester _and_ he was awarded the title Grandmaster by the Federation's Three-Dimensional Chess Organization. You know, I was worried about him for a bit, but I think he's going to do all right. Apparently, getting a multitude of tattoos and piercings has no effect on academic standing."

"You glow with pride when you speak of Spock," Georgiou said with a smile. "I think I should put in a request to have him do his On Ship Cadet Training here. He'll be starting that this year, won't he?"

"Next year," Michael replied.

Georgiou gave Michael a nudge. "I'll make a note of that. If I have the inside track as to who the best cadet in the Academy is, I need to take advantage of it."

"He could probably use your help dealing with humans," Michael commented. "He's really bad at dealing with them. He didn't realize he had his first girlfriend until she was dumping him."

Georgiou glanced over at Michael before shaking her head. She opened the door to the bridge. "I don't know... I think I've had my hands full teaching you."

Michael laughed and took up her station. She was in a great mood. While Sarak's initial misgivings had made Michael wonder if Spock had made the right choice, it was clear that it was really what Spock was supposed to do. While he might have thought she could make Captain in a decade, she was sure he could do it in half that time once he graduated.

Just as Michael was about to take her station, Saru turned to the Captain. "Captain, we're picking up readings of a ship approaching a Federation Relay... It's a Klingon vessel."

Cold dread set into Michael. She remembered the sounds of the Klingons murdering her parents. The Klingons were going to be in for a fight.

* * *

Spock stood stock straight beside Rohan. He'd brushed his hair down, affecting a more typical Vulcan appearance, aside from the fact his hair was longer than any other Vulcan would affect. He kept a neutral expression on his face.

The kid-- some teenage delinquent who was no doubt too young to be in the bar-- snickered at Spock as he rolled his eyes. He leaned against his pool cue. "You think your Vulcan friend can _really_ beat me in a game of pool?"

Rohan shrugged. "You're the one who yelled for the whole bar to hear that you could beat anyone here. So I think you should try playing my friend."

They'd done this so many times in San Francisco that no one would play Spock any longer. But a bunch of cadets had taken a trip out to the Riverside Shipyard to watch the ships being constructed. It was a tradition to do so after the end of exams. Spock had slowly begun to embrace such illogical rituals. Not only did it show his camaraderie with his fellow cadets... But there was something very satisfying about hustling some kid who underestimated a Vulcan.

"All right..." The kid nodded. "I'm not one to back down from a challenge. A credit a ball. I'll even be a gentleman and let you break."

Spock looked imperiously down at the kid as he grabbed a stick and Rohan racked up the balls. "Somehow I doubt the veracity of the fact you are a gentleman."

He concentrated on the table as he made the break. He put the six ball in. "It seems I am solids." He lined up his next shot. "Do you know much about First Contact with Vulcans?"

The kid furrowed his brow. "What does Zefram Cochrane have to do with pool?"

"Not what humans acknowledge as First Contact." Spock leaned in. "Two ball in the side pocket...." The two ball ricocheted off the table and easily slid into the side pocket. "The first Vulcans to land on Earth crashed in Carbon Creek, Pennsylvania..."

He lined up his next shot. "Five ball corner pocket...." He could see Rohan grinning out of the corner of his eye. "It was the nineteen-fifties... They had no money..."

The kid huffed out a breath. "What is your point?"

Spock tilted his head to the side. His hair fell away from his ear, revealing the glint of his earring. "One of the stranded Vulcans hustled pool. It was later brought back to Vulcan. It has been played there for nearly three hundred years now."

He couldn't stop the small curve of his mouth. "A most logical game based on geometry, wouldn't you say?"

The kid's face had paled, realizing just what kind of opponent he had. Spock was lining up his next shot. He could see Rohan talking to another cadet. As the cadet spoke, Rohan's eyes grew wide.

"Spock," Rohan said quickly.

Spock glowered at him. "I am busy, Rohan."

"There's been a fight at the border of Klingon space," Rohan replied.

Spock kept his attention on the game. "As we are at the center of Federation Space, it hardly seems logical to concern myself with that." Spock took his shot.

"It's the Shenzhou."

Spock knocked the cue ball off the table. He stood up. The kid was crowing about having his chance, but Spock put the his cue down on the table.

"Hey!" The kid protested. "Where are you going? We were playing for credits."

Without even thinking, Spock reached into his pocket and took out a handful of credits. He shoved them at the kid. He looked to Rohan. "Tell me what has happened."

* * *

There wasn't any information coming out about the The Battle of the Binary Stars, but it was still anyone could talk about on the way back to San Francisco. No one knew what really happened. There hadn't been an official report yet. Spock tried to suppress his fear, keeping his cool demeanour. No, he couldn't allow himself to give into his emotions. While he was becoming more comfortable with his emotions, this was too much. He couldn't let his doubt and fear creep in.

The Shenzhou had been attacked. Spock had no idea what had happened to it. Just that it had been in the battle. He would not give into fear. He would find out what had happened. It was the only logical course of action.

Michael would be okay. She was a survivor. She was smart. 

She _had_ to be okay.

He saw Captain Morrissey walking towards her classroom. Spock hurried his steps to catch up with her. "Captain Morrissey." Spock stopped in front of Morrissey, adjusted his red jacket and then put his hands behind his back.

"Cadet... Spock," Morrissey greeted him with a nod. "What can I do for you?"

"Captain, I wanted to inquire about the Battle of the Binary Stars."

Morrissey nodded. "Yeah, you and everyone else. There will be an official report soon enough." She started to walk again.

Spock held up a hand to halt Morrissey. "I do not wish to break protocol. However, my sister was stationed on the Shenzhou."

Morrissey flinched. It was unmistakable. Spock's eyebrow rose.

"Next of kin will be alerted if it's needed, Cadet. I'm sure your parents--"

Spock stepped into Morrissey's way once again. "I have not spoken to my parents since I began to attend Starfleet Academy. Please, Captain."

Morrissey reached out and put a hand on Spock's shoulder. "The USS Shenzhou was destroyed in the battle."

Spock's hand quivered. He let out a breath. "Oh. And the crew? Did... Anyone make it out alive?"

"There are survivors. The casualty reports are still coming in." Morrissey's grip on Spock's shoulder tightened. "Tell me your sister's name and I'll keep an eye out for it. I haven't seen any Vulcans listed amongst either casualties or survivors."

"You would not," Spock replied. "My sister is human. Her name is Michael Bunham. She is a Lieutenant Commander on the Shenzhou."

" _Michael Burnham?_ " Morrissey repeated. 

Again, that sick feeling filled Spock. Clearly, Morrissey knew who Spock was talking about. Spock gave a sharp nod. "I take it that she was on the casualty list?"

Morrissey shook her head slowly. "No, Cadet... Your sister is alive."

Relief flooded Spock. He tipped his head back and let out the breath he didn't know he'd been holding.

But Captain Morrissey kept speaking. None of Surak's teachings could have helped Spock suppress the wave of emotions that washed over him at her next words: "She's been brought into custody. She's being tried for mutiny."


	7. To the Stars Away From Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christopher Pike comes to both Michael and Spock with offers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Magic Carpet Ride" by Steppenwolf.

**2253**

Captain Christopher Pike was a sucker for a lost cause. That was what Number One was always saying about him. There was just something about the underdog that appealed to him. They tried harder, wanted to prove themselves.

There was no more of an underdog than the woman in front of him.

She'd been in prison for months, her trial still lingering. Her hair had grown out. From the pictures Chris had seen of her, she wore it in the Vulcan style previously. It had reverted to its natural curl now. She looked tired, no doubt the guards were working her ragged.

People didn't take kindly to mutiny.

Michael Burnham raised her head as Chris stepped into her cell. "Are you here to tell me when my trial is?"

Chris crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm not with JAG. I'm Captain Christopher Pike. I'm here to talk to you about what happened."

Michael's eyes were dark as she glared at Chris. "I mutinied against my Captain. I incapacitated her with a Vulcan Nerve Pinch and tried to take over the ship to attack the Klingons. I admit to what I did. I'm going to be in this prison forever. Why can't Starfleet just get it over with? Strip me of my rank."

Chris sat down next to Michael on the thin, uncomfortable bunk that had been provided to her. "You were temporarily _non compos mentis_ , due to the injuries you suffered at the hands of the Klingons and post-traumatic stress remaining the death of your parents that was left untreated by your Vulcan guardians."

Michael arched a brow. She crossed her arms over her chest. "Even I think that sounds like bullshit."

"Of course you do. No one believes they're temporarily out of their mind when they're temporarily out of their mind." Chris could see the anger in Michael's eyes. It was clear the Vulcans had done a poor job of purging her of her emotions. "But there has been testimony on your behalf. One that paints a much clearer picture of the situation."

Michael shook her head. "No... Lieutenant Saru... The rest of the crew... I already know what their testimony was."

Chris stood up. He opened the cell door. "Not the crew."

Michael's expression changed to one of shock. She stood up quickly. "Phillipa."

Chris stood back as Phillipa stepped into the cell. She was moving stiffly, still recovering from her coma. "Hello Michael."

Everything about Michael changed. The quiet anger melted away to regret. "I thought you were _dead_."

"A lot of people thought I was. And I almost was," Phillipa replied. "My worker bee was found adrift after the battle. I've been in the hospital for the last six months. I've only just now been able to give my testimony on your behalf."

Phillipa walked slowly to Michael. She put a hand on her shoulder. "I should have listened to you, shouldn't I? I should've taken T'Kuvma prisoner. Instead I killed him and we're now in a battle with the Klingons..."

"It might have turned out worse," Michael replied. She shook her head. "I wish you would've let me go in your place. After what I did..."

"I understand what you did," Phillipa assured her. "Not the logic behind it. But I think, for the first time in your life, you were without logic. You don't need to be imprisoned for the rest of your life... But you do need help. I've made a deal for you with Starfleet. I suggest you take it."

Michael arched a brow. "A bargain?"

Phillipa nodded. "You'll be freed from custody. You'll have an official reprimand on your file and you're being demoted to Lieutenant. And you'll need to see a shipboard counsellor as long as you're serving."

Michael shook her head. "No one is going to want me serving on their ship."

"I do," Chris spoke up. He stepped forward. "I know your record, good and the bad. And the good outweighs everything by a long shot. But you gotta know going into this... We're at war with the Klingons. You've got to get control over your feelings about them. I want you, but I'm not going to put up with insubordination because you can't deal with what happened to you."

Michael tilted her head, her gaze locked on Chris, studying him. "I still don't understand. I'm not special. There's no reason you should want to take a risk on me."

Chris smiled. "Yeah... It doesn't surprise me you'd think that. Now prove yourself wrong."

* * *

Michael had not been properly clean in half a year. There is nothing compared to a real shower, unlike the shoddy sonics in the prison. She looked into the mirror and she saw... Herself. Finally in adequate light. Back on Earth. Phillipa had brought her to her own apartment. Michael had nowhere else to go.

She stepped out into the living room. She looked around at Phillipa's possessions. She was living there. "You don't have an assignment right now."

Phillipa shook her head. "I doubt I'll have one for a while. The damage I took during the battle was extensive. Besides, I am the Captain who started the war with the Klingons. No one wants me to have a command again."

Michael shook her head. "You didn't start it. It was my fault. You would have had time to run if I hadn't stopped you..."

Phillipa stared at Michael hard. "We weren't getting away. I know that now. You weren't right in what you did. I was Captain, you weren't. Starfleet entrusted _me_ with Shenzhou and its crew and you tried to take that away from me. But we weren't getting away. And you were right... I should have imprisoned T'Kuvma, not killed him. His ship was crippled, but not destroyed and I made him a martyr. And these fights could stretch on for years... Decades... Because of what I did. I'm a hero, but that does not mean they're just going to hand me another ship after getting my last one destroyed."

Michael sat down on the sofa. She stared down at her hands. "I don't understand why I'm getting another chance."

Phillipa sat down next to her. "Chris has always had an eye for talent. He's also an instructor at the Academy. He's fond of your brother. No doubt Spock speaks of you with the same reverence you speak of him. And when he asked me about you, I told him the truth: You were the finest officer I ever worked with, until the moment you weren't. And no one is going to make that mistake with you again, Michael. You know your career will never fully recover. You'll rise in the ranks again. You're too talented not to. But you'll never command your own ship now."

Michael nodded silently.

"Take Chris's offer. Discovery is a beautiful ship. Newest in the fleet. It's a Science Vessel. You'll fit right in. I know you want to make things up to me, so do it this way: Don't mess up again."

* * *

Spock glanced up brief from his PADD as Captain Pike slid into the chair across from him. Pike smiled. "I'm going to guess based on the round of drinks Puri just bought for those lovely ladies over there that you found someone who hasn't seen you play pool."

Spock turned his attention back to his work. "The level of arrogance in your species is fascinating. Vulcans are known for our keen eyesight and ability to do complex equations expediently, both which are vital in a successful game of pool."

Pike gave a nod. "And yet humans are the ones who are arrogant. Now, it's your winnings. Why aren't you over there with Puri, flirting with those women?"

"My previous attempt to engage a woman socially was unsatisfactory. As my family arranged a betrothal on Vulcan, it seems illogical to continue to pursue human women."

Pike sighed. "You are an odd duck, Spock. Everything I've seen from you in the past few years tells me that you want to toss all of that Vulcan stuff aside... And yet you sit here and talk about an arranged marriage."

Spock stopped reading, but he did not look up from his PADD. Pike had a point. For as much as he had tried to deny his Vulcan heritage, he still fell back on it. He reached up and stroked his beard thoughtfully. "Perhaps I need to consider what traditions I will or will not pursue."

"If it was just one girl you were with, maybe you need to try again. Doesn't seem like a good sample size."

Spock looked up. "Captain, I doubt you came to this bar to discuss my romantic entanglements."

Pike leaned back. "You're right... She took the deal."

This made Spock put down his PADD. One of his brows rose. He tried to stop his heart from pounding in his side. "Logical that she should not want to spend the rest of her life imprisoned. She will be serving with you then?"

Pike nodded. "Lieutenant. One of my junior science officers, under Lieutenant Commander Saru."

"Both fine officers," Spock commented. "While I admit to a measure of relief knowing my sister is no longer in Federation custody, why are you telling me of the staffing of Discovery?"

Pike crossed his arms over his chest. "Because you'll be working with them."

Spocked tilted his head. "I'm at the Academy, Captain."

"And it's time for you to get some Field Study. If she hadn't gotten attacked by the Klingons, Georgiou would've already had you on Shenzhou. So I'm going to get you before anyone else does." Pike looked over Spock. "You're probably the smartest kid in the Academy, but you have to see what it's like out there. I've seen the way you've been. Doing everything you can to rebel against your father. Instead of fighting a losing battle against who you are, I want to push you to figure it out _now_ : You're a Starfleet officer. And you need to know what that really means."


	8. Come Easy, Go Easy, All Right until the Rising Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael and Spock reunite on the USS Discovery and meet their fellow crew members.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from "Back in the Saddle Again" By Aerosmith.

Seven-point-four seconds. That was how long Spock looked at Michael before he ran to her and threw his arms around her, hugging her tightly. He hadn't hugged her since she left to serve on Shenzhou. Vulcans weren't supposed to keenly miss their relatives in such a way. It was amenable to be with them once again, but they weren't supposed to be so _happy_ to be around them once again.

It was a good thing Spock was endeavouring to be less Vulcan.

Michael hugged him back. He felt her hand on the back of his head, ruffling his hair. "Well, obviously you're not dating anyone right now." She pulled away from him. "There isn't any woman who would put up with your scratchy beard."

Spock self-consciously touched his beard, frowning slightly. "I have not spoken to you in half a year. We have not physically been in the same place for almost three. Yet this is the first thing you say to me upon our reunion?"

"I missed you too." Michael smiled at him. She then nodded towards him. "But I hate that thing."

Spock's brow rose. "Do you think it would look better as a goatee?"

"I do not." She let out a laugh, looking Spock over. "Look at you! In a Starfleet Uniform!"

Spock could feel his cheeks getting hot and was sure he was starting to turn green. He had never worn a real Starfleet uniform, just his Academy reds. It felt good to be wearing the blue and silver uniform of the Discovery crew. He just wished he had rank pips, rather than the cadet badge.

Michael reached up and ruffled Spock's hair again. "You should let me cut your hair. It's starting to get really long."

"Compared to the women who wear their hair long, mine is quite short." Spock shot back.

Michael then smoothed his hair back down. "At least you started wearing it like this again. It looked strange when you were sweeping it back."

Spock batted Michael's hand away. "That is what Rohan kept on saying."

"I need to meet this Rohan." Michael tilted her head, glancing to the side of Spock's head. "Don't know why he hasn't told you to get rid of the earring yet..."

"He has," Spock admitted.

"How long is your rotation on Discovery?" Michael asked. "I want to know how long I'm going to be forced to share quarters with you?"

"Ten weeks." Spock sat down on one of the thin bunks. He looked around to survey the room. It wasn't much different than his quarters at the Academy. It would serve him adequately for his stay on the ship. "I did not expect to be sharing quarters with you."

Michael sat down on the bunk across from him. "Cadets always end up sharing their room with someone. Even Lieutenants end up having to share sometimes, especially when they've just gotten out of prison of mutiny. I guess that Pike thought we might want to spend some time together. Phillipa said you know him."

Spock nodded. "Captain Pike taught Prime Directive: Theories & Application last year."

Michael smiled. "Let me guess: you were his top student, so he took an interest in you."

Spock tilted his head slightly. "I questioned the logic of the Prime Directive and he took an interest in me. I've followed his career closely. He is an ideal model for a Starfleet career."

Michael's smile grew. "You got a mentor."

Spock's gaze was locked on Michael. "I already had one."

* * *

Nervousness fluttered through Michael as she approached the tall alien. "Saru."

Saru turned to Michael, looking down at her. She could see the cool disdain in his electric blue eyes. "Lieutenant Burnham."

"Congratulations on your promotion. Lieutenant Commander." Michael stood straight with her hands behind her back. She could feel Saru's contempt for her.

"My actions during the Battle of the Binary Star were commended," Saru replied.

"Saru..." Michael started.

Saru held up a hand. "Do not say anything, Michael. I do not wish to hear it."

Michael shook her head. "Have you spoken to Phillipa?"

"Of course I have. Captain Georgiou urged me to take the posting here. And I know she has forgiven you." Saru tilted his head as he looked down at her. "I have forgiven you for your actions. But--" He reached a hand up to where his ganglia came out. "I can sense danger. You are dangerous."

Michael looked to Spock. He'd been quite through the exchange. Michael gestured to him. "Commander Saru, this is Cadet Spock."

Saru turned his attention to Spock. "Your younger brother. I have heard a lot about you, Cadet."

"And I you, Commander," Spock nodded his head towards Saru. "I am certain I will learn much from you during my field study."

Saru regarded Spock, as if sizing him up. "Hm."

Spock tilted his head in question.

"I do not often have such a reaction to Vulcans," Saru commented. He reached back towards his ganglia. "Perhaps I should not be surprised, considering your close relationship with your sister."

With that, Saru strode off. Spock turned to Michael. "Interesting."

"That's one word for it," Michael muttered.

"Michael... Spock..."

Both turned to face Captain Pike. Spock stood at attention, his hands behind his back. "Captain."

"At ease, Cadet." Pike gestured to the brunette at his side. "This is my XO, Number One. Number One, this is Lieutenant Michael Burnham and Cadet Spock, our new science officers."

Number One looked them over critically. "More of your strays, Captain?"

"It's always paid off before," Pike replied. "Cadet, Number One can give you the lay of the land. Burnham, with me."

Michael followed after Pike through the corridors. He looked over at her. "So... How does it feel to be back in uniform?"

"Strange," Michael admitted. "Especially with Saru here. It's going to be hard to shake the mutineer reputation while I'm serving with people who saw what I did."

Pike stopped and turned to face her. "Nothing important in this world ever came easy, Burnham. Commander Saru will come around. You just have to show him that you deserve it. I wouldn't have you here if I didn't think you could do it."

Michael sighed. "I appreciate the faith you have in me, Captain, but..."

"Do you know anything about Astromycology?" Pike asked, ignoring Michael.

Michael blinked, uncertain about this sudden change in topic. It was not anything she was expecting the captain to ask her. "I studied it at the Vulcan Science Academy. My specialty was Xenoanthropologist, but I also studied Xenobiology, which included Astromycology."

"Good. I know someone who could use your help." Pike gestured for Michael to follow after him. He led her down to engineering. He opened the doors to a room and led Michael inside. "Lieutenant Stamets, I've found someone who can help you with your research."

A pale, fair-haired man popped up from behind a station. He looked at Michael and pulled a face. "The mutineer? I'd rather have the Cadet you brought on."

"I'm sure Cadet Spock will end up working in here too, if you can actually manage to give us something to work with. Lieutenant Burnham, this is Lieutenant Stamets. He'd working on a new propulsion system Starfleet is really excited about."

Stamets cringed. "Captain, it is more than just a propulsion system. When my theory is proved correct, the Mycelial network will redefine our very existence. But of course Starfleet would boil it down to 'it makes us go faster'."

"Watch it," Pike warned. "Why don't you fill Lieutenant Burnham in on your theory. I'm sure if the two of you work together, your spore drive will get a little closer to reality. As it is, I need to get to the bridge. We're setting out. Starfleet's given us a mission. They're picking a signal they'd like us to check out. I know this ship should get a little more pomp and circumstance, but I'm pretty glad to just get back into the saddle. Now play nice."

Stamets crossed his arms over his chest. "And just where is Starfleet sending us so I'm just stuck with the mutineer to help me?"

Pike headed towards the door. "The Talos System."


	9. All our Times Have Come Here but Now They're Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock gets a hard lesson in what landing parties are like when he goes to Talos IV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult.

"According to the radio transmission, there are eleven survivors on Talos IV," Saru explained to Pike, holding out a PADD. "The distress signal was initially sent seventeen years ago, but this is the first time the Federation has ever picked up the signal."

Pike accepted the PADD from Saru. "Are we sure there's anyone alive down there?"

"There are life signs on the surface," Spock commented, reading the monitor at the science station. "There is something down there."

"Well..." Pike read over the summation. "Seems like something worth looking into. Saru, Spock... You're with me. Number One, you have the bridge."

The two science officers were joined by a security team. They followed behind their captain towards the transporter.

"Looking forward to your first away mission?" Pike asked Spock, with a sly smile on his face.

Spock had of course visited other planets during his time with the Academy. But that had been under controlled circumstances. They were all Federation worlds. Nothing was out of the control of his instructors.

Now, he was serving as a Starfleet officer. He was going to an unknown planet, on a real mission. Spock's lip curved up slightly.

"Is that a smile, Cadet Spock?"

Spock arched an eyebrow. "I believe this experience will be fascinating."

* * *

Spock's heart was pounding in his abdomen. He tried to call upon the teachings of Surak, but he couldn't stop the panic that was flooding him.

It was his first mission and they'd lost the Captain. How had he let that happen? How had he not protected the Captain with his life? How had he not realized the survivors of the crash weren't real?

Saru put a hand on Spock's shoulder as he fired at the cave door. "It won't work, Cadet. We must remain calm."

Spock looked up at Saru. Well, if he'd hoped Saru would be able to calm him down, it was a lost cause as the Kelpian's threat ganglia was extended. If his body could naturally sense the threat, then logically they could not remain calm.

Spock cursed the last few years he'd spent with humans. He'd been too out of practice keeping perfect calm. He'd given in to his emotions too much. Now, he was gripped with panic at his captain being taken. A Vulcan being more anxious than a Kelpian, it was unheard of.

"Number One," Saru spoke into his communicator. "There were no survivors. It was a trap. The Captain has been taken."

* * *

Michael's footsteps were hurried as she made her way to the transporter. She frowned when she saw Spock sitting on the floor next to the pad.

"Spock?" She knelt down in front of him.

Spock raised his head to look at her. "I failed, Michael. I failed our Captain."

"Where is Commander Saru?" Michael asked, looking around. There was no one in the transporter room except for the transporter chief.

"A meeting with the senior officers," Spock replied. "I should have been more logical. I was excited to go to a planet. More caution was required."

"Spock..." Michael smoothed down his hair. She shook her head. "Captain Pike was excited to go down there too. You were the lowest ranked member of the landing party. There was nothing you could have done."

"I could have been a Vulcan," Spock replied. His dark eyes were wide, young. "I could have gone over the data more carefully. I could have realized..."

"Spock!" Michael gave him a shake. "You can't do everything. It's not a matter of being Vulcan enough. You are a _cadet_. The only thing you can do is go along with your Captain and your commanding officer. That is what you did. This is not your fault."

She pulled Spock to her. She could feel him relax slightly against her. "I need to be better," he murmured.

"You will be," Michael assured him. "Just give it time."

Michael helped Spock to his feet. She kept an arm around him. "Come on... Let's get out of here. We need to figure out a way to get the captain back."

They had barely been on the ship for a day and already Spock was falling apart. This was not the brother Michael knew. It scared her a little bit to see him like that. But she couldn't let him know that. She needed Spock to find the strength to get through it. She knew he had it in him. He'd never shied away from the challenge. He'd been a cadet for three years. He'd defied the Vulcan Science Academy, defied their father. Now he just needed to defy his own expectations.

He didn't need to be more Vulcan. Michael loved how in touch with his humanity Spock was getting. Even if he were a full-blooded Vulcan, he wouldn't have been prepared to lose his Captain on his first day on duty.

Spock "ooked down at Michael. He takes a deep breath and his Adam's Apple bobs. "Do you believe I am truly capable of this job, Michael?"

She nodded. "Of course I do. You just need time."

* * *

"Starfleet has responded to my log. They've forbidden any future excursions to Talos IV. General Order Seven. Punishable by death." Pike explained to the Senior staff.

"Seems a bit extreme," Stamets commented.

"You weren't there," Pike retorted. He looked to Number One. "How is our Cadet doing?"

"Working with Stamets on the Spore Drive," Number One replied. "I don't think he's going to be ready for another landing party for a while. Maybe taking a Plebe to a completely unknown planet wasn't the best idea, Captain, even if he is one of your projects."

"I stand by it, Number One. Kid's got a bright future. He's just got to get over his nerves."

"A Vulcan with nerves." Number One shook her head. "You do know how to pick them, Captain."

Chris stood up. "All right... Dismissed."

With his senior staff dismissed, Chris walked to the engineering room where Stamets was working on the Spore Drive. Spock was in there, leaning over the computer. "With you working on this thing, it'll probably only take a week before the Spore Drive is up and running."

Spock looked up. His dark eyes were shadows. "Captain. It is good to see you were not harmed by the Talosians," his voice was measured and calm.

"Can't say the same for you," Chris sighed.

Spock tilted his head slightly. "I was unharmed in our expedition, Captain."

"Spock, Saru and Michael both told me what happened to you." Chris approached him slowly, putting a hand on his shoulder. "There's nothing to be ashamed of. It was your first mission and it went badly. You don't need to stay locked up here with the Spore Drive."

"This is something I can do quite effectively, Captain." Spock moved out of Chris's hold and turned back to the computer. "I like science."

"And you're a hell of a scientist," Chris sighed. "But that's not all you can do. I can see you. I've seen you for years at the Academy. There's no one smarter than you. And you take risks not a lot of Vulcans do. You're going to be Captaining your own ship someday, Spock. Probably sooner rather than later. But you have to be able to deal with setbacks."

Spock's hand stilled at the console. "Captain, I was afraid during the mission."

"I know you were."

"Vulcans do not feel fear."

"Captains do," Chris replied. He walked around the console to stand in front of Spock. "I don't know a lot about Vulcans. But I do know that they do feel things... A lot. That's why you act all logical. Trying to keep all of that down. And you're half-Human too. Something you've been embracing. And that's good. Being Human's always worked for me. And a Captain has to be able to feel fear. Embrace it. You need that fear to keep your crew alive. You just can't give into it."

"I do not know if I am ready for this yet, Captain." Spock's hand trembled slightly.

"Work with Stamets for now," Chris said. "He didn't seem too pleased with the idea of working with your sister. I'm sure he'd prefer you. You still have time. But I am going to push you, Spock. You can take some time now, but I'm going to keep pushing you. I won't let you waste your potential. You're better than that."

Chris started to leave, when Spock turned around. "Captain, the woman on Talos IV. Vina. She was an illusion?"

Chris shook his head, feeling a pang in his heart at the thought of the beautiful woman. "No Spock... She was very real. And she wanted me to stay with her."

"And you Captain?"

Chris sighed deeply. "I think a part of me wanted to stay with her too. But that's not what we do... Captains don't have that sort of luxury."


	10. It's No Surprise to me I am my own Worst Enemy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "My Own Worst Enemy" by Lit.

Spock handed the PADD to Lieutenant Stamets. "My latest calculations should provide ample information for your Spore Drive. It may be invaluable to eventual application."

Stamets accepted the data and looked it over. He let out a thoughtful hum, nodding his head. "This is good work, Cadet. You're right... These calculations will advance the Spore Drive by months, maybe even a year."

Spock nodded. "Of course, I also calculated that the Spore Drive could cause massive-- possibly irreversible-- trauma to the Mycelial Network. In my opinion, the Spore Drive is an unnecessary risk to an ecosystem and should be scrapped to focus on other-- less damaging-- modes of propulsion."

Stamets just stared at Spock for a long time. He set the PADD down hard. "Thanks for your input, Cadet." He turned back to his work, shaking his head. "Maybe I _should_ have worked with the mutineer."

Spock stood at attention, blinking mildly. He waited for Stamets to give him an order as to what he should do next. Finally, realizing that Spock was standing over him like a hawk, Stamets turned back to him. "You're dismissed, Cadet."

Spock gave Stamets a sharp nod before he turned and walked out of the engineering bay.

As Spock walked out, he nearly ran into Number One. She gave him a nod. "Cadet Spock."

"Commander," Spock replied, standing at attention.

"At ease," Number One glanced into the engineering bay just as the door closed. "Lieutenant Stamets seems to be in good spirits today."

Spock folded his hands behind his back. "Commander, I believe I may have overstepped the bounds of my position. I have pointed out a flaw in Lieutenant Stamets's Spore Drive which I believe may lead the project being scrapped by Starfleet."

Number One just blinked at Spock.

"He did not take the news well."

Number One continued to stare at Spock. "Cadet, you did your _job_. You're one of the Science Officers. If the science isn't working out, you have to point it out, even if it's to a superior. I don't care if it's the Captain, you speak your mind if you find something that is wrong."

Spock nodded. "Of course, Commander."

Number One pointed ahead. "Walk with me, Cadet."

Spock hurried up to catch up with her strides. She glanced over her shoulder at him. "You had a rough introduction into your field study and you've been hesitant because of it. It's understandable, but... Get over it. I've seen your records and I've heard the Captain talk about you. You've got a big career ahead of you, but you can't be afraid of it. Any of it. Going out on missions. Speaking up to superiors."

"I am Vulcan," Spock replied. "We do not feel emotions such as fear."

Number One nodded. "Right. You want people to believe that. But you're full of shit. You know it. I know it. And everyone on this ship knows it. Fear is good. Fear keeps you safe. But you want to be able to mask it better. And you're not doing that yet."

Spock knew she was right. He'd been trying to adhere to his Vulcan upbringing, but it still felt the pull of his emotions.

"Being a Vulcan is like having armour around you. Everyone has expectations as to what a Vulcan is. If you can lull people into a sense of security, you can surprise them when you step outside of that. You're not doing that right now." Number One turned fully to him. She brought a hand up and touched his beard. "Cut out this Pre-Surakian crap. Maybe you had some fun playing human at the Academy... But playtime is over. You want to be a Vulcan, be a Vulcan. If I had that choice, I'd certainly go with it. A Vulcan can blend into the uniform. Because that's what you should be: Be the uniform. Don't give anything else away."

Spock reached up and he touched the earring he'd had since his first year at the Academy. He had gotten it to spite Sarek, but... What purpose did it really serve him other than making him stand out?

He removed the earring and looked to Number One. She nodded her head in approval. "Better. Just focus on the job, Cadet. You're good at it. I've seen you when you get lost in it. That's when you're at your best. It doesn't matter if the crew likes you, as long as they respect you."

Spock arched a brow. "You are saying you do not care if the crew despises you?"

Number One shook her head. "They respect me. They take my orders. They know what I say is right. There are a few who will turn that respect into an appreciation." She paused for a long moment. "Being an attractive woman does help in that respect. I don't go wanting for company no matter how I may act on the bridge."

Spock's eyebrow rose higher. "Commander, what are you insinuating?"

Number One glanced over his ear. "I have a dermal regenerator in my quarters. Would you like some help sealing the piercing?"

* * *

Spock allowed Number One to pull him into her quarters, her mouth on his. After a heated moment, he pulled back. "Commander, I am very perplexed by this development."

"Do you not want it to happen?" Number One asked.

Spock looked over Number One. He would be lying if he said he hadn't noticed how attractive she was. "While it is not against protocol, it does seem inappropriate."

"It is only inappropriate if I treat you differently because of it," Number One replied. "And of all of the people on this ship, do you think I would treat you differently because of this?"

Spock shook his head.

Number One smiled. "And of all of the people on this ship, I'm pretty sure you're the one who is not going to treat _me_ differently because of this.

Spock pulled Number One back to him, kissing her firmly. After a moment, Number One pulled away. She looked at him critically. "Okay, before this goes any further that beard has to go."

* * *

Michael walked back towards her quarters just in time to see Spock being pushed out of the First Officer's quarters. He looked-- in a word, shell-shocked.

"Spock? Are you all right?"

Spock blinked, looking at his sister. "I am confused."

Michael glanced at the First Officer's Quarters. "Why were you in Number One's quarters?"

"She wished to have a conversation with me," Spock answered very quickly.

Michael still looked at him warily. "What happened to your beard?"

Spock touched his now smooth face. "You were right. It was not working."

Michael looked Spock over. She didn't understand why he was acting so strangely. Still, it was a relief to see Spock looking like _Spock_ again. Maybe that was what she should focus on. "But you're okay?"

"I am fine," Spock said finally. "I believe I need to meditate. There is much I need to contemplate."

Michael nodded. "I just need to grab something from our quarters. I'll just get it and then leave you alone to concentrate. So you're almost done your tour on Discovery. You feel any different about serving?"

"It has exceeded my expectations," Spock replied cryptically. "It will be fascinating to see what happens."


	11. I work 'til I ache in my bones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just going to put it on front street: This is the chapter where Uhura comes in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Somebody to Love" by Queen.

Spock stood in front of Captain Pike, his back rigid. Pike leaned back in his chair and regarded Spock. "So... Ten weeks aboard a starship. How do you feel about your first tour?"

Spock's head tilted slightly. "Captain, as a Vulcan, my feelings are not a factor in anything I do. However, an intellectual analysis of my performance during the field study indicates that I still have much to learn when it comes to serving aboard a starship. I did not react well to the experience on Talos IV. I also have interpersonal conflict with Lieutenant Stamets while working on the Spore Drive." He thought about some of the other things he had done while on his Field Study. He doubted having a sexual relationship with his commanding officer was a commendable practice.

Pike leaned back in his chair. "Spock, everyone goes through this during their first tour. You're never ready for it. You've got to get your first taste of it. But you did and you got through it." He held out a PADD. "I've already put in a request for you next year. You up for it?"

Spock looked down at the orders and blinked. He gave a nod. "Yes, Captain... I am."

Pike smiled. "So what are your plans when you go back to the Academy?"

Spock put his hands behind his back. "I have signed up for graduate study. One thing this field study has revealed to me is that I have much to learn still. I will be taking on more responsibilities once I get to the Academy. I will be serving as Commander Westin's Aide in Advanced Phonology."

Pike laughed. "I know Westin. You know you're going to end up teaching the class, right?"

Spock gave another nod. "I was warned of that, yes. And you will be staying on Discovery?"

Pike nodded. "Yeah. Been at the Academy a little too long. They want to get me out there. Nothing long term, not yet... Still waiting on the Enterprise. You go back and finish whatever schooling you feel you have to. I'll bring you onto the Discovery whenever I have the chance, move you up the ranks... But eventually I'm going to want you permanently on the Enterprise with me. I think Head Science Officer would suit you well."

Spock fought his smile. He couldn't help but like the idea of serving on the Enterprise in a senior position. "I am still a cadet, Captain."

"You've proven yourself here, Spock. Like I said... Learn what you need to. But from now on, you're Ensign Spock of the USS Discovery. Handle Westin's class this semester and we'll be swinging back to Earth to pick you up in a few month's time."

"Thank you, Sir."

"Dismissed, Ensign."

Spock turned and left Pike's Ready Room. Michael was outside waiting for him. "Well?"

"I was promoted," Spock replied.

"Spock!" Michael hugged him tightly. "That's great! So are you going to be staying on Discovery? I know you always talked about doing graduate work, but..."

"I think I need to," Spock said. He still didn't feel comfortable out in the field. There was a lot more he needed to learn. "I will be back here soon enough. However, I do not believe I am quite ready yet."

Michael gave his hair a ruffle, which Spock immediately went to smooth down. "Well, I'm sorry you're not going to be around. I've liked serving with you. And three years is too long without seeing each other."

"It will not be three years ago next time, Michael." Spock spotted Number One. "Excuse me, Michael..."

Spock walked to Number One, his back straight. "Commander, I wished to inform you I will be disembarking from Discovery."

Number One blinked at him. "Okay? It's been nice serving with you, Cadet."

"It's Ensign now," Spock replied. "Captain Pike promoted me. I just wanted to tell you that this field study has been... Fascinating."

"I'm glad you got so much out of it," Number One said coolly. "See you... Sometime, Ensign."

"Number One..." Spock started.

Number One put her hand up. "Ensign, don't make a big deal out of it. We've all got to relieve our stress somehow. I'm just glad to see you're getting more comfortable with yourself."

She paused for a moment and leaned in. "I am, however, glad you kept that other piercing."

Spock nodded. "That is... Good information to have, Commander. Good luck with your next tour of duty."

He turned and walked back towards Michael. Michael frowned at him in confusion. "So you and Number One got close during this field study? I didn't see you two work together a lot."

Spock considered what had occurred with him and Number One. "She assisted me in learning how to interact with fellow crew members."

Michael narrowed her gaze on him, surveying him. She then pat him on the shoulder. "Come on. Let's get your things. I'll walk you to the transporter." She regarded him silently for a moment. "You know, Spock... I won't tell you Father would be proud of you, but I think he would be interested in knowing how you're doing."

Spock looked over at his sister. "You are right. You should not tell me Father would be proud."

****

Rohan leaned over the desk and Spock went over several PADDs. Spock had not offered up much in the way of information on his field study, but it was clear it had changed him greatly. "You know, Spock... Classes haven't even started yet. You don't need to work so hard."

Spock looked up from his work. "Commander Westin has requested I go over the syllabus and make sure I can follow it all."

Rohan threw himself into the chair across from Spock. "You know that's so you can do it, right? Westin always has his Aides do all the work."

"Which would be the reason why I took the assignment," Spock picked up another PADD. "You should be going over your own course schedule. Your Graduate Program will be intense now that you are on the medical track. You will be splitting your time between school and in the field study. It is not something to be taken lightly."

"And I'm _not_ taking it lightly," Rohan sighed, throwing his hands in the air. "But Spock, you've been gone for almost three months and you come back, your beard's gone, your piercing's gone... And now you've gone the full Vulcan. What's with that?"

Spock finally looked up from his work. "Having acquired first hand experience as to the conditions that are required for a Starfleet Officer, I have chosen to embrace my strengths rather than fight against them."

Rohan shook his head. "Spock, as your former roommate and best-- and kind of only-- friend, I don't know if this is entirely healthy. I mean, don't get me wrong... Glad you're figuring out what kind of officer you want to be. But how am I going to get you laid if you're acting like a Vulcan?"

Spock's ears turned that shade of green Rohan knew meant he was hiding something. He let out a laugh. "Oh, no _way_! You slept with someone on Discovery, didn't you?"

Spock's expression remained neutral. "It was a mutually beneficial stress relief utilizing physical intimacy."

"You dog!" Rohan slapped his knee. "You going to see her again?"

Spock arched a brow. "Captain Pike has already requested I do another field study on Discovery next semester, so there is little doubt I will cross paths with her."

Rohan rolled his eyes. "Okay, sorry Mister Technical... Are you going to see her naked again?"

"We did not discuss that. However, judging from her interactions with me, she has no emotional connection to me."

Rohan leaned back in his chair. "Would've thought you would have preferred it that way. That's why things didn't work out with Leila, isn't it? And now you're going super Vulcan. Maybe that's the kind of relationship you've got to have."

"Perhaps," Spock said quietly.

There was a knock on the door. After a moment it opened. Rohan turned to see the young cadet enter. She was incredibly pretty, with long brown hair cascading down her back. She gave them a nervous smile. "Sorry... I hope I'm not interrupting."

Spock stood up and straightened his uniform. "You are not. You are Cadet Uhura?"

She nodded. She raised her hand in the Vulcan greeting Rohan was still struggling to learn to do. "It's nice to meet you, Ensign Spock. Commander Westin said I needed to speak to you about entrance into the class."

Spock regarded the pretty young cadet. While most would mistake his look as complete indifference, Rohan had known him for too long. There was a keen interest in his dark eyes as he focused on the slip of a girl. "Yes, Commander Westin informed me of the situation. You have lodged a request for special dispensation to enter Advanced Phonology, despite the fact you are only a First Year Cadet. The class is meant for those who have completed the Basic Phonology course and is thus only open to second year students. I must follow the rules, Cadet. You will have to progress through the program at a normal pace."

The girl stared directly at Spock without flinching. " _Hi nash-veh ma rai vel tor nazh-kap s' wuh nenik rivak._ "

Rohan noticed Spock's eyebrow raise slightly, the only movement on his face. " _Is-tor t' t'nash-veh salatik gen-lis dungi ri fereik-tor zherka svi' nash-veh._ "

The girl brazenly took a step towards Spock, raising her head higher. " _Nash-veh ri ni nenik tor nah-tor ish-veh gen-lis fereik-tor zherka svi' wuh Vuhlkansu. Nash-veh gluvaya t'nash-veh renkup'es. Tor du aitlun nash-veh tor stariben andorian? il Tellarsu? uf pa' Tlingansu? telv-tor t'nash-veh vipladau. Nash-veh ek'aribenik svi' ek' gen-lis wein-tor svi' wuh nenik rivak. Nash-veh stariben tor ish-veh olozhikaik malat. Dang nash-veh thinoi t'nash-veh wak?_ "

Spock tilted his head slightly as he regarded the girl. He took a deep breath, as in taking her in with all of his senses. Rohan had never seen that sort of reaction from him before. "I will look over your records, Cadet Uhura. I will make my judgment. Should I find your skills as stellar as you believe, I will give you the final exam for Basic Phonology. If-- and only if-- you pass with a mark _I_ deem acceptable will I allow you into the advanced course. But I must warn you: what I deem acceptable is nothing but the best."

Cadet Uhura actually smiled at him, a smirk that Rohan was sure Spock couldn't appreciate. "I wouldn't expect anything less. Thank you, Ensign."

With that, the Cadet turned on her heels and sauntered out of the room, swinging her hips. Spock remained very still, his eyes locked on her.

Rohan couldn't help but laugh. He shook his head, clapping Spock on the shoulder. "Oh... Buddy... What are you going to do about that?"

Spock turned his head to look at Rohan. "I am going to look at her school records and if I deem them acceptable I will proctor her in the basic course exam."

Rohan kept laughing. "Then how come your ears are greener after talking to that Cadet then they were when you were talking about whoever you got it on with on Discovery?"

Spock sat back down and looked back at his work. "I am sure I have no idea what you mean."

Rohan threw himself back down in his chair. He looked at the door Cadet Uhura had gone through. "Well... And I thought my job was done already. Seems like things are about to get a lot more interesting."


	12. I want a girl with a mind like a diamond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rohan and Michael question Spock's interest in Cadet Uhura.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Short Skirt/Long Jacket" by Cake.

Spock walked across the quad with Rohan by his side. Rohan had his face nearly pressed against a PADD as he frantically researched. "I can't believe my schedule this term! I have to do as many classes as I did all of last year all in the first semester, so I have enough time to be able to ship out on the Lexington for field study!"

"I did warn you," Spock replied. He was not paying attention to Rohan, but was rather focused on the Cadet sitting underneath a tree. She had PADDs and even paper books spread around her. Her long hair fell in front of her face, but she pushed it back over her ear, revealing the earpiece she wore. "Starfleet is in dire need of medical officers, due to the Klingon Skirmishes. I suspect you will be in high demand."

Rohan finally looked up. "Well, maybe you can--" He noticed where Spock was looking. "Leer at the Cadet."

"I do not leer," Spock responded. He felt his face growing hot over being caught looking at the Cadet. He didn't know why he was drawn to her, but he did have a habit of noticing her whenever she was around. "I was simply noticing Cadet Uhura's heavy workload."

"Why don't you ask her out?" Rohan suggested. "She's cute and you can whisper sweet nothings to her in Vulcan."

"Vulcans do not have 'sweet nothings'," Spock sighed. "And I am her teacher."

"No." Rohan shook his head. "You are a grad student who picks up the slack for a lazy prof. Spock, I've known you for _years_ now. You didn't even look at Leila like that when you were sleeping with her!"

Spock finally looked away from Cadet Uhura to glance at Rohan. "The idea of coupling with a human female on a permanent basis is unwise. I have not given up the idea of _kolinahr_."

Rohan shrugged. "Okay... Maybe I'll go ask her out. She's really cute."

Spock's hand shot out and grabbed Rohan by the arm before he could walk towards her.

"Just go over there and talk to her, Spock," Rohan sighed. "Just be, like... A person. I know you can be one. Remember _before_ you had that big revelation on Discovery that the only way you could be a good officer was to go full Vulcan? You were _fun_. Okay, not... Barrel of laughs. But you could have a good time. Just try talking to her. You don't have to propose marriage. But I'm not going to spend all semester watching you stare at her."

Spock finally let go of Rohan. He walked towards Cadet Uhura and Spock hurried to follow him.

"Hey!" Rohan called out. "Cadet Uhura, right? I met you in Spock's office. I'm Rohan Puri."

Cadet Uhura looked up. "Oh!" She took out her earpiece. "Sorry. I was listening to... Nevermind. Hi!" She then smiled at Spock. "Ensign Spock. I was just working on our assignment."

"I will be fascinated to see it," Spock replied. "Your test scores on the basic course exam were exemplary. They far surpassed what I expect of someone your age."

"For a human, he means," Rohan joked.

"I did not," Spock replied defensively. "Vulcans are no more adept in languages than humans, aside from our naturally superior hearing, but that is only an advantage in several species in which their vocal range is outside of human hearing. But this is only the case in less than .03 percent known of species..."

Rohan waved his PADD around. "You know, I should really go and bury myself in this research my class. You two have fun together. Spock, I'll catch up with you later. Cadet Uhura, it was really nice to see you again."

Cadet Uhura frowned at Rohan ran off without another word. "He seemed to be in a big hurry."

Spock looked back over his retreating friend. "Yes, he was." He pulled his jacket down, standing up straight. "I will not keep you, Cadet Uhura."

Cadet Uhura gave him a small smile. "You can sit down if you like, Ensign Spock." She gestured to the ground. "There's plenty of grass."

Spock looked down at the ground. He then looked to Cadet Uhura, at her warm, welcoming brown eyes. He'd meant to decline her offer, but instead he found himself sitting down across from her.

"I'm glad I got to see you out of class," Cadet Uhura said, smiling sheepishly. "I wanted to apologize to you for the way I acted when we first met. I was trying to come off as confident... I probably seemed like a stuck-up, arrogant..."

"I did not mind," Spock cut her off. He remembered how she came off during that first interaction. He'd remembered it more times than he'd cared to admit. He would have in no way described her as arrogant. "You were determined to prove to me your worth. You were correct in doing so. Taking the basic phonology course would have been an illogical waste of your time. I admire how resolute you were in dealing with an instructor. Most would have acquiesced to the rejection."

Cadet Uhura smiled brightly, in a way that lit up her entire face. Spock felt his face warming at the sight of it. He could feel the corners of his mouth twitch upwards at the sight of it. Cadet Uhura then bit her lower lip, looking away. "I'm really glad you let me take your class. It's my favourite this semester. I mean, I always love phonology, but I like the way you teach it. You're really good."

"It is my first class," Spock admitted. "I should not do as much as I do for it, but Commander Westin is notorious for letting his TAs handle most of the work."

"I'm a bit glad about that," Cadet Uhura admitted. "I prefer you being at the front of the class."

Spock's eyebrow rose. His face felt a little bit hotter.

"I just mean that you're very good at teaching the class," Cadet Uhura said quickly. "And if Commander Westin is so uninterested in teaching, I doubt I would get as much out of it."

Spock gave a sharp nod, unable to explain the feeling in his stomach. Was it... Disappointment? "Of course. You are correct. I had him in second year. He was not relying as much on his TAs and it was... Unsatisfactory."

"So what are you doing?" Cadet Uhura asked. "I mean, before I distracted you to keep me distracted from my homework."

Spock looked her over. Rohan was right. He couldn't keep his gaze away from Cadet Uhura. "I was going to be working on my communications relay. My sister is stationed on USS Discovery right now. They are heading towards Klingon territory and I would like to keep in contact with her. From that distance, my relay is sporadic at best."

"Would you like me to take a look at it?" Cadet Uhura offered. She smiled again, making Spock feel funny inside again. "Not that I don't think you'd be able to do it, but I'm pretty good with comm systems."

Spock rose to his feet. He held out a hand to Cadet Uhura. "It is only logical to utilize the skills of a talented communications student in such an endeavour. Thank you, Cadet Uhura."

Cadet Uhura took his hand. "You know, Ensign Spock... When we're not in class, you can just call me Nyota."

"Nyota," Spock tried out the name. It sounded good to his ears. "Of course. I would appreciate your assistance... Nyota."

* * *

That Michael was surprised to see Spock was an understatement. She thought she would be outside of the range of his comm unit. Not only that, his hologram was showing up with absolute clarity.

"I have a student in my Advanced Phonology class," Spock explained. "Nyota Uhura. She's a communications student and she is quite gifted at enhancing signals. That is only her technical acumen. Her true talent lay in her language skills. She is fluent in a majority of the languages in the Federation, including all dialects of Vulcan and Romulan."

"I'm surprised you haven't come across her before now," Michael commented. It seemed like this Uhura would be someone that Spock would have found earlier in her time at the Academy.

"That is what is so impressive about Cadet Uhura," Spock replied. "She is only a first year student. I would normally not take a first year into my class, but she successfully lobbied to skip the basic course, passing with 98.5% on the exam. It would have been an illogical use of her time to take a course in which she knew all of the information provided..."

Michael had never seen Spock act in such a way with anyone, man or woman. By his standards, he was absolutely _gushing_ about Cadet Uhura. "So what does she look like?"

Spock's ears turned a distinct green. He straightened up. "That is hardly important information about her." He paused. "However, since you ask... She is 1.7 meters tall. She is a native of Kenya and her skin tone is the darker complexion common to that region. She has long, brown hair which she typically wears pulled back from her face. She possesses a very pleasant smile."

Yep. That was definitely gushing. Michael didn't want to embarrass Spock if he was denying his feelings for the Cadet. After all, she was his student. No doubt he would not want to abuse his position, even if he was only a teacher's aide. "Be sure to thank Cadet Uhura for fixing up your comm. I'm glad I'm able to talk to you."

"What are you doing now?" Spock asked. "Before I left, I heard you were heading towards Klingon territory."

Michael nodded. "Yeah. There's a prison outpost that Starfleet intel believes may be holding some POW from the Battle of the Binary Star. I can't get into the details... But it's going to get intense here."

"Be careful, Michael." Spock raised his hand in the _ta'al_. "And contact me as soon as you are able."

Michael mirrored his gesture. "Of course, Brother. And I know you don't want to speak to Father, but can you _at least_ use your fancy new comm to contact Mother? I'm sure she'd like to hear from you."

Spock gave a small nod. "I will consider it."

Maybe Michael wouldn't needle Spock about his obvious crush, but she doubted Amanda would let him off so easily.


	13. She told me to come but I was already there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock gets closer to Nyota, while Discovery rescues two prisoners from the Klingons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC.

Michael felt the thrill of terror go through her as she watched from the viewscreen as they got closer and closer to the prison ship. She thought back on all of the other times she'd dealt with the Klingons. As a child, when they had killed her parents. The Battle of the Binary Star, when she had betrayed her oath to Starfleet and to Captain Georgiou.

She heard a noise next to her. Saru had made a distressed sound, his ganglia extended while his gaze focused on her.

Pike got out of his seat. "Number One, hold us steady. You have the bridge."

He strode towards the door. He glanced over Michael. "I don't need to confine you to your quarters, do I, Lieutenant?"

"No sir," Michael replied, standing up straight. "I have my orders."

"Saru, you're with me. We'll meet the Security Detail in the transporter. Burnham, take Saru's station."

Michael wanted to say she wanted to come with Pike. She wanted to let him know she was trustworthy. That she would not lose her head in the face of the Klingons. She was a Starfleet Officer.

But she knew it was no use. She hadn't yet earned his trust. It would take a long time before she could get past what she had done on the Shenzhou.

Michael went to the science station. She went about her job knocking out the security system. "You'll have approximately twenty-three seconds to beam in. The comm will be on you so I can bring down the security system again when you're ready to come out."

"Hopefully, we'll be able to bring down the security system on the other end," Pike replied. He glanced at Michael again. The look in his eyes told her that this was what their tour was going to be like. They were going to be dealing with the Klingons for a long time now.

She would have to wait for her chance to prove herself. Before she could show herself as a hero, she just needed to focus on following orders.

* * *

Spock paused outside the door of the library. A figure sat on the bench, curled up with a PADD.

"Cadet Uhura?" He asked hesitantly. When she looked up, he sighed. "...Nyota. What are you doing outside of the library?"

Nyota yawned and tucked her PADD away. "The library closed several hours ago, so I wasn't allowed to stay in there."

Spock sat down beside Nyota. "I am well aware of when the library closes. That does not answer my question. Why are you here?"

"My roommate is Orion," Nyota replied. Spock's brow rose, uncertain of why she was bringing up such a random fact. She let out a tired laugh at his look of confusion. "She asked me to stay out of our dorm for a few hours while she... Entertains."

"Oh," Spock nodded his head, understanding. Nyota's roommate was engaged in sexual intercourse. No wonder she preferred to sit in front of the closed library. "Back when I shared a room with Rohan, I had similar experiences having to find other locations to study."

"I really just want to find a place to relax," Nyota sighed, scrubbing her face with her hands. "My brain is fried from studying. But everything's closed and I..."

Spock stood up before he really thought it through. He held out a hand to Nyota. "Come with me."

Nyota looked at the offered hand. She then looked up to Spock, her eyes growing slightly wide with surprise. It took Spock a moment to realize what was shocking her so much. Vulcans were Touch Telepaths and rarely offered their hand to someone who was not a close companion.

Spock hadn't even thought about the implications of offering his hand to Nyota. It seemed so natural for him to do so. "I will not be able to mentally link with you unless you allow it, if that is why you do not wish to take my hand."

"It's not that... I just know Vulcans don't really like..."

"It is okay."

Nyota touched it hand and Spock took a sharp intake of breath. It was the first time he'd touched Nyota and it felt...

To be honest, it felt wrong. It felt like he shouldn't have been feeling something so strong at the touch of one of his students.

He tried to shut down his reaction to the touch, leading Nyota along. She grabbed up her bag to follow after him.

They stayed silent for the short walk across campus. Nyota didn't ask where they were going, but she didn't seem terribly worried about it either. In fact, Spock could feel the trust through the connection of their hands.

The apartment complex was only about a five minute walk from the school. It housed mostly graduate students and a few faculty members. Spock went to his door and punched in the keycode. When the door slid open, he gestured for Nyota to go inside. "I am sure you will find this a more suitable place to rest than on a bench outside of the library."

Nyota looked around Spock's apartment. He did not have a lot in terms of decoration, but what he did have she seemed to find fascinating. In particular, she looked over his Ka'athyra sitting beside his couch. She gently strummed the strings, producing a soft reverberation.

"Are you interested in the Ka'athyra?" Spock asked.

Nyota glanced over her shoulder at Spock. She gave a small nod. "I like music. I've seen the Ka'athyra performed. It's beautiful."

Spock gestured for Nyota to sit down on the couch. She did with a small sigh. She looked exhausted. Spock remembered what it was like in the first year of school, being bombarded in work. He picked up the Ka'athyra and began to play. He chose something soft, something that was often played in order to aid in meditation. Nyota snuggled into the couch and closed her eyes. "Spock, if you're not careful, I'm going to fall asleep on your couch."

"I will not be offended if you do," Spock replied. "You seem quite tired. It is logical for you to sleep."

"You play beautifully," Nyota murmured, her voice heavy with weariness. "I'd like you to teach me."

Spock's fingers fumbled at the idea of helping Nyota with her positioning, sitting behind her as he corrected her posture to play. "I would like to teach you."

Nyota yawned, cuddling against the couch. "Thanks for letting me come here, Spock..."

Spock watched as Nyota closed her eyes. "You are welcome here any time, Nyota."

He continued to play softly as she fell asleep.

* * *

"I'm having trouble getting a lock on them," the transporter chief shouted to Michael.

She ran to the controls. She went over the readings. It seemed like Captain Pike wasn't able to shut down the security field on the ship. Michael went over the readings from the ship. She needed to find the flaw in the shielding she'd exploited so the rescue team could beam aboard. The shields were on a cycle and there was a precise moment when Michael would be able to get in.

There it was. She worked quickly, typing in her computations. "Try it now!" She yelled to the chief.

The Chief went to work and the away team appeared on the transporter pad, along with two disheveled men in Starfleet uniforms.

"Good work, Lieutenant Burnham, Chief Perkins," Pike said, helping one of the men from the pad.

Michael looked over the new arrivals. "It looks like the rescue was successful."

Captain Pike supported the prisoner. "We got who we could. Lieutenant, this is Captain Gabriel Lorca."

The man raised his head to look at Michael. He gave her a tired smile. "Nice to meet you."

Michael went over to the other prisoner, who was being helped up by Saru. "We'll get you to sick bay, Lieutenant..."

"Tyler," the prisoner replied. "Lieutenant Ash Tyler."


	14. I want your drama, the touch of your hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The relationship between Spock and Nyota deepens, while Michael becomes interested in Tyler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga (which is, incidentally, the song Spock and Nyota dance to as well)

It was extraordinarily easy to fall into a routine with Nyota. Spock-- who was normally incredibly adept at recognizing patterns-- did not notice how often she was over at his apartment for nearly three months.

It was mostly on the weekends, when the cadets were free from classes. Nyota's roommate-- whom Spock had learned was named Gaila-- had a very active social life. Nyota allowed her roommate the freedom to pursue these sexual exploits on the weekends. She instead found sanctuary at Spock's home.

He did not mind. Against all logic and rationality, he had welcomed Nyota into his home. He made small changes to his own living space. He programmed the food synthesizer to have a variety of dishes from her native Kenya. He'd acquired a few cadet uniforms in her size, just in case she found herself spending the night when she had classes the next day. He always made sure to have the spare room made up for her.

The secondary bedroom was set up as a study for himself. He wanted to keep his work separate from his living quarters. He'd reasoned that including a bed in there would be useful when Michael returned to Earth between tours. Instead, it had served as Nyota's bed.

There was something comforting about having the cadet there. He seemed to be more at peace when he knew she was just the room over.

He hadn't realized all of the changed he'd made, how he'd _expected_ Nyota to be there, until one night where she wasn't. It was Friday, and yet she hadn't come to his apartment, annoyed at Gaila and tired from her studies.

She was supposed to be there. They were supposed to have a quiet dinner, discussing their day in Vulcan. Then they would play chess or he would teach her the Ka'athyra. They would then awkwardly look at each other before retiring to their rooms.

Spock didn't know what compelled him. Nyota didn't _need_ to spend the night at his apartment. But he did it anyway. He dialed her comm number and waited for her to pick up.

When she did, there was the sound of loud music in the background. "Spock!" She called out happily. "Is everything all right?"

"I was going to pose the same query to you," Spock replied. "Where are you?"

"Gaila dragged me out to a club," Nyota giggled. She'd been imbibing. "She thought I needed a break."

"What club are you at?" Spock asked quickly, not quite certain why he needed the exact location.

"The Shore Leave." The club catered specifically to Starfleet officers and cadets.

He was already on the move. His feet seemed to move by their own volition. He got on his hoverbike-- a holdover from his rebellious days he still saw as logical transportation-- to ride to the club.

She stood out amongst the rabble, her hips swaying and body undulating to the thrum of classic early twenty-first century Terran music.

He'd never seen her dressed in such a way. She was in a shining silver dress, contrasting with her dark skin. It was completely backless, exposing her flesh to his gaze.

Spock made his way across the dance floor, weaving through the other revellers. He reached her, leaning in. "Nyota."

She whirled around, surprise on her face. Rather than looking unhappy he'd tracked her down, she instead beamed. "Spock! What are you doing here? I didn't think you'd ever come to a place like this."

Spock looked around the club. The music was loud and the stink of sweaty humans was heavy in the air. "Normally I would not. But... I thought it would be a fascinating experience."

Nyota grabbed hold of his jacket. "Dance with me."

Spock's brow rose. "I do not know how to do this sort of dance. I only know the type of dances Vulcan children traditionally..."

Nyota touched a finger to his lips and Spock immediately stopped speaking. She put his hands on her hips. "Just follow me."

Spock stood there as Nyota swayed and bucked against him. She then put her hands on his hips and began to guide them along to the beat. Spock got the idea, moving along with her.

Once he was moving, Nyota turned herself around to dance in front of him. He gazed down at her back. For the first time, he could see she had a tattoo on the left side of her torso. He let his fingers graze over the marking.

Nyota looked over her shoulder to glance at him. Spock brought his hand up. "Nyota, I didn't mean to offend..."

His thumb brushed over her lip. Spock felt a jolt through him. Nyota let out a small gasp.

"Ny-Ny!" Spock and Nyota both jumped back at the sound of the excited voice. A redheaded Orion-- Gaila, most likely-- bounded over. "You met someone!"

Nyota smiled nervously. "Gaila, this is Ensign Spock. He's the TA in Advanced Phonology."

Gaila's hands went to her face and she grinned. "Oh! He's even cuter than you said!"

Spock's brow rose and he looked down at Nyota. She had said he was attractive?

"I could use a drink," Nyota murmured softly. She gave Spock a quick glance before racing off towards the bar.

Gaila continued to look at Spock, a large smile on her face. "You two should have sex," she said bluntly.

Spock stood up straight. "I am Cadet Uhura's superior."

Frowning, Gaila shook her head. "Doesn't seem like a really good reason. I've been here three months and I've already slept with six people who would be considered my superiors. I already know you two spend a lot of time together, but she's definitely too frustrated to be getting some already. It would be good for both of you!"

Spock continued to stare at Gaila, unsure if he really understood what she was saying.

"You do want to, don't you?" Gaila asked, suddenly uncertain. "Vulcans and Orions are incompatible, but I was pretty sure I sensed pheromones coming off you when you had your hand by Nyota's mouth. Do Vulcans like that? Having their fingers sucked? I'm sure Nyota would suck your fingers for you!"

Spock felt the heat in his ears. "I require a beverage as well."

He turned on his heels and walked to the bar. Nyota had just turned from the bar, holding two drinks. She held one-- plain ice water-- out to Spock. "I knew you would want something. Or to at least get away from Gaila."

Spock accepted the glass from Nyota. "Thank you. Gaila is... Unlike any I have met before."

"You don't have to listen to her," Nyota murmured softly, stirring her drink with her straw. "She comes up with weird ideas."

Spock took a drink of the cool water, not able to get rid of the feeling that he didn't think Gaila's ideas were that strange. In fact, he couldn't get the image of Nyota sucking his fingers out of his mind.

Nyota was looking up at him with wide eyes. Her hair was loose around her shoulders, slightly curled. Her skin glistened with perspiration. While Spock normally hated that scent on humans, on Nyota he found it alluring.

He should leave. He really should have left. He didn't know why he'd come in the first place.

Finally, Nyota looked away from him. She glanced back to the dance floor. "It looks like the guys Gaila was flirting with are back. She's taking them to our room."

Spock took a step towards her. "You could tell her that it is against policy and you do not wish to have males in your room at night."

Nyota looked up at him. "Maybe. Should I do that tonight?"

"My hoverbike is outside. I have a helmet for you." Spock had just brought his extra on instinct.

Nyota smiled at him. "A hoverbike. I didn't realize the hoverbike in your parking lot was yours. And this jacket..." Nyota touched his lapels. "I didn't think you were such a rebel, Spock."

Spock leaned in towards her. He was so very tempted to lean in closer. The things Gaila had said still ran through his head. "I have my moments."

If he were a real rebel, he'd do it. He'd cast aside the propriety of Vulcan and Starfleet and he'd kiss her.

But he couldn't do it. The Vulcan in him knew it was illogical. Nyota was so perfectly matched to him. But the Starfleet officer told him to stop. She was a student and he was her instructor. He may have only been a TA and it might've been technically allowed, but he knew it would only make trouble for them.

****

"Wow." Number One slipped out of Spock's bed, already grabbing her tunic. She had come to Earth in order to bring a rescued Starfleet Captain to Headquarters. That had been the only explanation she'd given before she pulled him to the bedroom.

Number One glanced over her shoulder as she began to dress. "I don't think you've ever been so enthusiastic."

Spock sat up against his headboard, a sense of dissatisfaction with the encounter. It had been physically satiating, but there was something deep inside of him that found it lacking.

"Who is Nyota?"

Spock's brow rose and he looked at Number One silently.

Number One pulled on her pants. "You said her name. Considering how tightly your eyes were closed, I'm pretty sure you were thinking about her rather than me."

Spock opened his mouth to speak. He wanted to defend himself, but he had no defense. He had been thinking about Nyota while he was having sex with Number One.

"It's all right," Number One assured him. "You're not always in the forefront of my mind. But who is she? I didn't think Vulcans did things like fantasize."

Spock did not respond. He didn't know what he was supposed to say. He knew it was wrong to have sexual fantasies about one of his students. His relationship with Number One wasn't close enough for him to share his deeper feelings.

"You know, you must really like her if you're thinking about her like this. It's not really your thing. Instead of illogically wasting your time with me, you should do something about it."

"It is not so easy," Spock finally found his voice. "I am in a position of authority over her."

Number One just stared at Spock for a long moment. She then shrugged. "I'm the First Officer of Discovery and I started sleeping with you when you were an unranked cadet. You're an _ensign_ and still a student yourself. It can't be that bad."

"My relationship with you is purely physical."

Number One let out a laugh. "Oh... You really like her."

Spock did not respond. He didn't need to.

"Let me give you some advice, Ensign... Not everyone should do things the way I do. For a Vulcan, you're actually pretty sensitive. You might need some emotional involvement. Believe me, you wouldn't be the first Ensign to date a Cadet. Or even the thousandth." She started towards the door. "I think it's a good time for me to leave. You have some things you need to think about."

Without another word, Number One left. Spock bowed his head and thought about Nyota. It was getting hard to deny what he knew to be the truth.

****

Michael answered her door and saw Ash on the other side. She gave him a small smile. "Hi."

She moved out of the way and Ash walked in. "I hope I'm not interrupting you."

Michael shook her head. "No. I just got off the comm with my brother. After months, he _finally_ realized he liked the student he won't shut up about. It's about time."

"Isn't your brother a Vulcan?" Ash asked.

Michael nodded. "Yeah. He is. Doesn't mean he can't like someone. Especially Spock. He's not like any Vulcan I know."

Ash sat down on the edge of Michael's bed. "I look forward to meeting him."

Michael felt a thrill go through her at the words. "He's going to be back on Discovery in a few months for his next tour. That is... If you're still going to be on Discovery."

Ash smiled at her. "I've just got my official transfer to be on the security team of Discovery. They figure as long as I'm here... I have to see the ship's councillor, but..."

"You're not alone in that," Michael replied, feeling a bit of bitterness at her own commands. "Number One told me that Captain Pike likes to take in strays. So welcome to the club."

Ash laughed and Michael felt something inside of her. It was an instinct she had not felt in a very long time. She wasn't really sure what to do with it.

"Have you eaten yet?" Ash asked suddenly.

Michael's brow rose. "Are you worried I'm not eating?"

Ash shook his head. "No. I'm trying to ask you on a date."

Michael shook her head. "No, I haven't eaten yet."

Ash rose to his feet. "Well then. Come to the mess hall with me?"

Michael took a deep breath. She had been annoyed by Spock's inability to act on his feelings. She wouldn't do the same. She reached out and took Ash's hand.


	15. And please say to me you'll let me hold your hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock makes a declaration to Nyota.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" by the Beatles.

Spock had no idea how he should act around Nyota with his emotions for her so turbulent. He did not know if it was the Human in him, or the waves of emotions Vulcans kept so firmly suppressed beneath their logic. He was not sure it mattered. All he knew was that his feelings for Nyota were undeniable. It would be illogical to pretend he did not have them.

T'Pring looked absolutely stoic as she spoke to him through the comm. She would have made the perfect Vulcan bride. "Our bond has atrophied, but I did sense a surge of emotions from you for someone else," she had answered him coolly after he'd explained how he wanted to sever their bond. "This is the most logical course of action. You are clearly too Human. You are better suited for a Human mate."

A human mate. Has he really gone this far? He'd been with humans before. In fact, he'd exclusively been with humans. It had not been intentional. There was just a higher proportion of humans in Starfleet than not. But taking a human lover was different than taking a human mate.

He had gone so far as to contact T'Pring to negotiate the end of their betrothal. That was not the action of someone who was merely exploring human sexuality. T'Pring would surely have accepted that. But Nyota was not just someone Spock wanted to experiment with. He could not even fathom courting her if he were still promised to another.

Spock looked at his now former betrothed. While it was logical for them to end the bond that had never fully blossomed, Spock knew T'Pring would not have faced the rejection were it not for one thing... "You were going to have someone challenge me."

"If the time had come, yes," T'Pring replied. "It hardly seems to matter now. The next time you are on Vulcan, we will employ a healer to formally sever the bond. It is a formality for the records. I have no connection to you, Spock, Son of Sarek. Your proposal of dissolution is mutually beneficial."

"Live long and prosper, T'Pring."

"Peace and long life, Spock."

Just as he finished the comm with T'Pring, the door opened and Nyota entered. He'd long ago granted her access to his apartment. He usually only saw her on the weekends, when Gaila was entertaining, but a weekday visit wasn't out of the question.

He turned to greet her, when he noticed her eyes were slightly red. He rose to his feet. "Nyota?"

"I don't know why I came here," Nyota murmured. She was already beginning to turn. "I know Vulcans aren't good with... I should leave."

Her distress was clear and Spock was compelled to sooth her in any way possible. "Tell me what happened."

Nyota turned back. She drew her lower lip up. "It was just a bad day. I ended up using the wrong comm frequency in my lab and nearly deafened the entire class... The Instructor then lectured me on how much damage that could do on a ship... And... It's my mother's birthday and this is the first time I haven't spent it with her. And I.... I know it's going to be like this... Possibly forever. This is the first time it's really hit me that I've left home. Gaila was really nice and talked to me, but... I... I wanted to be here."

Spock nodded slowly, silently considering his options. He gazed over Nyota. "Nyota, would you permit me to attempt something I have not before?"

She cocked her head in curiosity. "What?"

Spock crossed the distance between them. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to his chest.

Nyota buried her face into his chest and he felt her body relax against him.

"Humans crave physical contact. It can be mentally damaging to go without," Spock murmured into her hair. "Especially when one is in a stressful situation. You have been at Starfleet Academy for four months. When was the last time you were touched?"

Nyota glanced up at him wide-eyed. Spock realized he might have crossed a line. He did not know about Nyota's personal life. He himself had sex with Number One during the tenure of their friendship. He was not sure he wanted Nyota to tell him of her own indiscretions.

"Gaila hugs me sometimes," Nyota replied, her voice soft. "She gives me pecks on the cheek. It's Orion custom. Actually the _tame_ version of Orion custom. And sometimes I've given some of the other cadets a quick hug. But no one's held me like this since..." She fisted her hand into his t-shirt. "...Since I left home. Are you sure you don't mind? Vulcans don't do this."

"I am half human," Spock replied. He ran his fingers slowly up her spine. "And I initiated this contact. I just hope you do not think me untoward."

Nyota pulled herself closer still. "Never. Thank you, Spock."

Not letting her go, Spock walked them towards his couch. He sat down, bringing Nyota with him. She curled up against his side, resting her head on his chest. "You don't have to keep holding me... If you don't want to."

Spock gazed down at her. "And if I do want to?"

He wanted to kiss her. It felt like such a natural instinct to lean in and give into it. But he couldn't do it. Nyota had come to him in distress. He would do nothing but offer her comfort.

"You know we're reaching the end of the semester," Nyota murmured against him.

Spock nodded. "I am aware."

"When that's over... You won't be my TA anymore." Nyota glanced up at him. "You'll just be my friend."

"Indeed."

Nyota bit her lip. "You'll still be my friend, won't you, Spock?"

"I will always be your friend, Nyota." Spock brushed a stray lock of her hair away from her face. His fingers touched her cheek. He was so tempted to enhance their embrace with a mind meld. But no... That would be even worse than kissing her. He needed to go slowly. He could not rush his courting of Nyota just because he'd realized how he felt.

He liked the feeling of her warmth against him. He gently stroked her hair, just reveling in her presence. "Do you wish to speak to me about your home? About your family? It might ease your homesickness."

"I think you would like it there." Nyota let out a gentle puff of air against his neck. "My family would really like you. Mama would want to make you feel welcome by cooking Vulcan dishes, but then she would put her own spin of them. I'm sure you'd have no idea what to make of it. They wouldn't have any resemblance to any real Vulcan food..."

"I am sure your mother's efforts would be satisfactory," Spock murmured softly.

Nyota's eyes were still glistening with tears, despite the smile on her face. "Baba would ask you what your intentions towards me would be."

"My intentions?" Spock repeated. "Do you think there is something wrong with my intentions?"

"I just meant Baba would question them. He does that with every boy I know." Nyota sat up. She leaned in close to Spock, staring into his eyes. "What _are_ your intentions?"

"I have no intentions," Spock said, knowing he said it too quickly.

"Are you sure?" Nyota's face was so close to his. Her eyes were shining and her lips were slightly parted.

Spock brushed a lock of hair from her face. "Would you like me to have intentions?"

"Gaila thinks we should have sex," Nyota blurted out.

Spock locked his gaze with Nyota. "Gaila is Orion. She believes everyone should have sex with one another. However, she did express the same to me when we were at the club. Rohan believes I should ask you to engage socially with me."

Nyota tilted her head. "Don't we engage socially a lot?"

Spock swallowed hard. "Yes, we do. I believe he meant a social engagement of a romantic nature."

Nyota continued to gaze at him and he could read the look in her eyes. Didn't their social engagements have a romantic nature already?

Spock had been denying the instinct, but it was illogical to hold himself back. He was free of his commitment to T'Pring. Nyota was in his arms, looking at him expectantly. They were talking about all of the people around them who thought they should be together. He began to lean in towards her.

Just before his mouth could touch hers, he heard the door chime. Both of them jumped back immediately. Spock knew it was impossible, but it felt like Starfleet Command had sensed that he was about to kiss a cadet.

"Spock!" Rohan's voice came through the comm. "Can I come in? Becky kicked me out."

Spock looked at Nyota, who sighed softly. Spock rose to his feet and strode to the door, opening it. Rohan walked in. "I need to crash here for the night. She's freaking out over her assignment and..." Rohan stopped and looked at the couch, where Nyota sat. "This is a bad time."

Spock's brow rose. That was putting it lightly.

Nyota rose to her feet. "I should probably be heading back to my dorm anyway."

"Nyota, you do not have to leave," Spock replied. He glanced over at Rohan, for a moment rethinking his decision to ever befriend his former roommate.

Nyota smiled and shook her head. "It's all right. I have an early class tomorrow."

Without another word, she headed towards the door. Rohan gave him a sharp look and jerked his head to the door, urging Spock to go after her. He did as he was told, striding after Nyota.

"Nyota!" He called after her.

She turned back to him and he stepped closer to her. "I would tell your father my intentions. I would hope he would find them honourable... As I hope you find them welcome."

"Spock," Nyota breathed.

Spock stood straight, hands behind his back. "My Vulcan upbringing tells me to suppress my emotions. But I can see no logic in denying how I feel for you."

"They're welcome," Nyota whispered, stepping towards him. "Your intentions are very welcome."

Spock wanted to kiss her, but he couldn't do it. Not yet. "As much as we both desire this, we cannot. Not now. I am your TA. While it is not forbidden, the appearance would be... Suspect."

Nyota smiled at him. "You're only my TA for a few more weeks."

Spock nodded. "At the end of this semester, I will be doing a tour on _Discovery_."

"And I'll be here when you get back."

What Nyota did next shocked Spock. She brought her hand up, holding out two fingers to him. Spock felt his breath catch as he instinctively raised his hand, brushing his fingers against hers. He allowed his eyes to close, running the pads of his fingers over hers. He had never done such a thing before with any of his human lovers. They'd never bothered to ask about Vulcan mating. The only time he'd ever engaged in the _ozh'esta_ was when he was a child, when he'd been bonded to T'Pring.

But on the day he'd ended his engagement to T'Pring, he had a girl offer her fingers to him again. Not just any girl. For the first time, Spock felt no shame at the idea of _Pon Farr_. He would welcome sharing it with Nyota. He could see a future stretching out before him as long as she was in it.


	16. Step into fascination, trap of infatuation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock's next tour on Discovery brings a surprise and an advancement in his relationship with Nyota.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from "X X X" by L'arc~en~Ciel.

With the semester ending, Nyota and Spock were both too busy to spend any time together. It was probably for the best, as Spock didn't know if he would be able to resist his affections for her.

Once the semester was over, Spock had a day before he was shipping out with _Discovery_. He had thought that Nyota might come by just to say goodbye to him. He was, after all, shipping out to highly disputed territory against the Klingons.

He sent out a comm to her, telling her goodbye and that he'd see her again once his tour was over. He looked forward to that. Now that he was no longer her TA, they could explore what was happening between them.

But he couldn't dwell on Nyota. He packed his things and made his way to the shuttle to _Discovery_. He was reading over his PADD, outlining his assignment parameters. Like last time, he would be serving as junior science officer under Saru and Michael.

As he sat down in his seat and focused on his assignment, he scented something in the air. His head jerked up and he looked around.

"Hi, Ensign Spock," Nyota said softly. She was dressed in the Discovery Ops Cadet jumpsuit.

Spock looked around at the other cadets on the shuttle. "What are you doing here, Cadet Uhura?"

Nyota sat down next to him. She hadn't been that close to him since he'd made his declaration. He wanted to touch her. "We can talk about this once we're on the ship."

"You are not going to the ship," Spock said plainly.

Nyota gave him a fierce look. "Aren't I?"

Spock opened his mouth to say something, but he realized he had no argument against her that he could say in front of other cadets. "We can talk about this once we are on the ship."

They were silent on the ride towards Discovery. Spock focused on his PADD, while Nyota did the same with her own. Spock straightened up when he felt something brush against the hand resting by his side. He glanced down to see Nyota's hand resting casually by his, but her fingers were just barely touching his. To any outside observer, it would appear as if they were just reading their PADDs but Spock was overwhelmed by the sensation.

When they finally reached _Discovery_ , the cadets began to rush out to their orientation. Before Nyota could leave, Spock grabbed her wrist. "Nyota, what are you doing here?"

"Not now, Spock," Nyota replied. "I have to go to orientation. I'm not going to get in trouble on my first day."

"You need to explain why you are here," Spock said firmly.

Nyota shook her head. "I think it's pretty obvious, don't you?"

Before he could say anything in response, Nyota had grabbed her pack and left the shuttle. Spock retrieved his things and walked out. Number One was there to greet him.

"Are you all right, Ensign Spock?" Number One tilted her head slightly as she looked him over. "You look a little pale."

"I did not realize there were so many cadets training on _Discovery_ ," Spock replied. "Last tour, it was just me."

"The skirmishes haven't been going well," Number One responded, walking alongside Spock. "The cadet training program has been expanded."

Spock gave a nod. He glanced over at Number One, thinking about the last time they'd seen each other. "Number One, I would like to make sure we are at an accord with our previous interactions..."

"Our little secret," Number One replied. "Have you talked to her yet?"

Spock straightened up as he reached the door to his assigned quarters. "My personal interactions have no bearing on my duty to _Discovery_."

Number One nodded. "Be that way. I did the assignments for Captain Pike... You're welcome."

With that cryptic message, Number One left. Spock went into his room, dismissing what Number One had said as a tease. Human jokes were perplexing. Spock saw an empty bed on the other side of the room from his. It seemed he was not sharing with Michael.

Spock had just finished unpacking his things when the door slid open and Nyota entered the bunk.

"What are you doing here?" Nyota asked.

Spock looked at Nyota, at the bag she carried with her personal effects and then to the empty bunk. Suddenly, what Number One had said made sense. She had made the assignment of _quarters_ for the cadets. "These are my quarters. And it would seem they are yours as well."

"What did you do?" Nyota asked.

"I did not do anything," Spock replied. "I did not know you were going to be on _Discovery_ until I saw you on the shuttle and could not have made these arrangements. I believe this assignment can be considered a prank."

"A prank?" Nyota repeated.

Spock held his hands behind his back. "Someone--" he did not want to mention Number One, as then he would have to explain why Number One was aware of his feelings for Nyota. "--Wanted to test my control. You have not explained why you are on _Discovery_. You are a first year cadet. First years are not selected for field study."

Nyota set her back down on her bunk. "They were looking for communications cadets who had knowledge of Klingon. There aren't many of us. I was actually the only one who was qualified. Having Advanced Phonology actually helped... So thank you."

"Why did you apply?" Spock questioned.

"Because it's good experience," Nyota shot back. "It is good for my record to have as much space time as possible. If I play my cards right, I can graduate as a Lieutenant rather than an Ensign." She crossed her arms over her chest. "You don't think I'm here for you, do you? I didn't know I was going to be assigned to _Discovery_. I applied because I want to be Chief of Communications someday. I'm not here to make kissy faces at you."

"I did not think you were," Spock replied. "But you are an undertrained cadet who is going into a battle zone."

"I'll be decoding and translating messages from the Klingon High Council," Nyota challenged him. "It's not like I'm going to cowboy in with a phaser at every opportunity. Anyway, did you think that I wasn't going to end up in space eventually? If you don't want your girlfriend on a ship, maybe you shouldn't date someone in Starfleet."

Spock heard those last few words and felt his heart speed up in his side. He took a step towards Nyota. "My girlfriend?"

Nyota glanced down. "Well, I'm no longer your student... I just assumed, considering what you said..."

Spock felt the weight that had been on him since he'd first seen her let up. He was free to pursue his interest in Nyota and now she was in front of him. "Girlfriend is acceptable... Although we may want to use that term sparingly in front of others for the time being." He closed the gap between them. His brow rose questioningly as he touched her cheek. "So you are not here to make 'kissy faces' at me?"

Nyota brought her hand up to the back of his neck and Spock shivered. "That's not my _main_ reason..."

Spock started to lean in. He pulled back just as he heard the door chime. It seemed such devices had a vendetta against him. He stepped back from Nyota. "Enter."

The door opened and Michael entered. "Spock, it is good to see you."

Spock gave a nod. "You as well, Michael. Cadet Uhura, this is my sister, Lieutenant Burnham. Michael, this is Cadet Uhura."

Michael looked Nyota over. "Cadet Uhura? _The_ Cadet Uhura?"

Nyota took Michael's hand, shaking it. "I didn't know I was a 'the'. But it's nice to meet you, Lieutenant. Spock speaks very highly of you."

"And of you," Michael replied. She glanced over at Spock, raising a brow.

 _Cadet Uhura is in your quarters?_ Michael asked through the link they shared but rarely used.

 _I did not make the rooming assignments_ , Spock replied. _I am as surprised as you are_.

Michael eyed him warily. _Don't do anything I wouldn't do_.

It was now Spock's turn to raise a brow. _And what does that exclude, Sister?_

****

That night, Spock was getting ready for meditation and then sleep. He stripped out of his uniform and put on his sleeping pants. He reached for his shirt and was about to put it on when Nyota stepped out of the bathroom, dressed in her own sleeping attire.

He had tried to tell himself that the experience would be no different than when she stayed in his quarters while Gaila was socializing. But in his quarters, they had separate rooms. He never saw her out of her everyday apparel. Now, her face was freshly washed and free of makeup. Her hair was down and loose. She wore an oversized Academy t-shirt, the hem only covering her to the top of her thighs.

They both stopped and stared at one another, taking in the other's appearance. After a long moment, Nyota stepped forward. She hesitantly reached out her hand towards him. Spock nodded his head, agreeing to whatever she was planning to do. She touched her fingers to the writing tattooed on his side. "You have a tattoo."

"Two of them," Spock corrected her, gesturing to his bicep. "You have one as well. I saw it when we were at the club."

Nyota's fingers traced the tattoo over his heart. Spock watched her dark fingers caress his skin. "It is Vulcan. The two most important things to me."

"Amanda and Michael," Nyota translated immediately. "Your mother and sister."

He didn't know why her knowing the meaning of his tattoo affected him so deeply. Maybe it was her ability to translate Vulcan quickly. Maybe it was that she knew his heart so well. No one else had realized the significance of the words. Either way, he felt the dam break inside of him. He reached for Nyota and cupped her face. He leaned in. He wouldn't let any door chimes stop him now. He tilted his head and pressed his mouth to hers.

Nyota let out a small moan and her fingers slipped into his hair. Spock opened his mouth and slid his tongue against her lips. Nyota opened her mouth obligingly and her tongue tangled with his.

The wave of lust and affection he had for her was overwhelming. He dimly wondered if it was possible to spontaneously go into _Plak Tow_. Nyota's body wrapped around him. He felt her arms at his shoulders and her legs at his waist. Spock groaned against her mouth, keenly aware of how little clothing separated them. He moved backwards, sitting back on his bed with Nyota in his lap.

"We should go slow," Spock murmured, burying his face in her neck and inhaling her scent. "I do not wish to rush."

Nyota gave him a teasing smile. "I thought Vulcans didn't lie."

Spock ran a finger over Nyota's cheek. "Nyota, are you a--"

Nyota shook her head. "One. My ex-boyfriend. You?"

"Two," Spock replied. "Two women while I was a cadet." He did not want to elaborate further. He was not lying, but he wasn't sure he wanted to share his relationship with Number One. It might cause tension.

"Were they serious?" Nyota asked.

Spock shook his head.

Nyota bit her lip. "Am I serious?"

Spock nodded. He didn't want to say it yet-- he didn't want to scare her-- but he was already thinking about the day he would declare _Koon-ut-so'lik_. He had been certain he would ask Nyota to marry him since he decided to break his betrothal to T'Pring. It was the reason he broke his betrothal to T'Pring.

Nyota wriggled in Spock's lap, sending pleasure through his body. He reluctantly halted those delicious movements. "Nyota..."

"I've been thinking about this ever since I met you," Nyota whined softly. She leaned in to his ear, licking over the pointed tip and making Spock growl. "Late at night... In your guest room... With you the room over... I would wonder if you were thinking about me... And..."

Spock's hand clutched at Nyota's backside. He could feel the softness of the skin there. The fingers of one hand just dipped into the edge of her panties, testing the skin hidden from him. "Teasing a Vulcan will be a difficult task," Spock said, trying to keep his voice neutral. He didn't want to tell her how affecting the image of her pleasuring herself in his guest room was. Nor did he want to admit that he had been thinking of her at the same time, had indulged in the very non-Vulcan activity of self-pleasure.

"Difficult..." Nyota sighed. She rocked her hips against the bulge in Spock's pants. "But not impossible."

For a moment, Spock wondered if he had made a miscalculation in engaging in a relationship with Nyota. She could easily drive a man to becoming _V'tosh ka'tur_. "You have your first day of duty tomorrow," Spock reminded Nyota. "I will not be responsible for an exhausted cadet."

Nyota sighed and climbed off of Spock. But rather than go to her own bed, she rolled into his. She laid on her side. "Okay... For the sake of my career."

"I was going to meditate," Spock explained.

Nyota yawned, laying on her stomach. Spock could see the curve of her backside peeking out from under her sleeping shirt. "Don't let me stop you."

"Are you going to your bed?" Spock asked.

Nyota smiled at him. "Do you want me to?"

Spock raked his gaze over her body. He then shook his head. He leaned in, kissing her softly. "If I did not know better, I would think you were sent by the Vulcan High Council to test my control."

Nyota's smile widened. "Good thing I'm not... Because I would win."

Spock turned to kneel on his meditation mat. His lip curved up slightly. She most certainly would.


	17. She drive me crazy, and I can't help myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock has to navigate the potential minefield of serving aboard a starship with his new girlfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "She Drives Me Crazy" by Fine Young Cannibals.

Nyota was filled with nerves as she began her duties on _Discovery_. She wasn't _scared_. She was a cadet. She'd been ready to serve in Starfleet for as long as she could remember. But now it was a reality. She hadn't expected it so soon. She should've had at least two years of training before she went onto field study. But her eagerness had brought her out early.

"Uhura?" An excited voice said as Nyota joined the other cadets. She looked around and saw Cadet Tilly approaching. Nyota didn't know her well. But they'd hung out a few times, as Tilly was in a lot of the same classes as Gaila. "I'm so glad to see a familiar face!"

"I'm surprised," Nyota admitted. "I thought I'd be the only first year here."

"Lieutenant Stamets was impressed with my engineering record," Tilly replied. "He wanted me to help him on his spo... You know, I don't know if I'm supposed to be talking about it. But it's really exciting. Are you here because not a lot of people like translating?"

Nyota laughed and then sighed. "Something like that."

"I'm sorry we couldn't be roommates," Tilly commented. "I have special needs due to my allergies, so I can't have a roommate. Did you get someone nice?"

Nyota looked across the room. Spock was talking to Commander Saru, his hands folded behind his back. Nyota gave a casual shrug. "He's not bad."

"You got a boy?" Tilly leaned in. "That's got to be awkward."

Nyota thought about what she and Spock had done the night before and the very brief encore after they'd woken up. "We're going to be Starfleet officers. We've got to deal with whatever people throw at us."

Before Tilly could respond, a pretty brunette stepped into the room. She looked over the assembled cadets. "I'm XO on Discovery. Everyone calls me Number One and I expect you to do the same. The next few weeks will be very intense and you're starting right now. Do not come to me with any questions or concerns as I have an entire ship to worry about. Your Cadet Liaison is Ensign Spock. But as he's a Vulcan, I doubt you'll find much sympathy from him. Congratulations, Ensign. I'm sure you're a wonderful babysitter."

Number One looked at her PADD. "As you can guess, I don't really do names, so I won't be learning yours. We've intercepted some comms. I need Klingon Girl."

Nyota was a bit stunned. First, that she would be asked for right away. Second, that she would be referred to as 'Klingon Girl'." Nyota stepped forward and snapped to attention. "Sir. Cadet Uhura."

She then held out her hand to accept the PADD from Number One.

Spock strode to stand behind Number One. "Commander, as _Discovery_ was only able to procure one cadet adept at Klingon, I believe I should assist Cadet Uhura."

Number One eyed Spock suspiciously. "You're one of my Science Officers, Ensign."

"Yes, but you are lacking communications officers with knowledge of the Klingon language. Despite my specialty, I do have knowledge of communications and am fluent in Klingon. Last semester, I taught Cadet Uhura in Advanced Phonology."

Nyota set her jaw, not really happy with Spock stepping in during her first task. She glowered at him. "I am quite capable in Klingon, Ensign Spock. I'm sure Commander Saru has a lot of things in your own division for you to do. You don't have to _worry_ about me."

Spock stared back at Nyota, his expression neutral. "I am a Vulcan. We do not worry."

Number One was looking between Spock and Nyota. She then nodded. "Right. I should have realized the Klingon girl was the _Vulcan_ girl too."

Nyota then took the PADD from Number One. "I don't know what that means."

Number One gave her a smile. "Sure you don't. Okay, Ensign... You help Klingon Girl. Who's the Fungus Girl?"

Tilly put up her hand. With the other cadets receiving their orders, Nyota walked out of the meeting room, looking over to the PADD Number One had given her. Spock was right behind her, practically looming over her. Nyota gave him a wary look. She didn't like where this was going.

* * *

Spock handed the PADD back to Nyota. "I believe you're missing a level of encryption here."

Nyota shot him a dark look. "Do you? And why is that?"

"Because it does not make any sense," Spock replied.

"Maybe there's a problem with your translation," Nyota challenged. "Klingons aren't exactly the Tal Shiar when it comes to encryption. They don't tend to be too worried about people hearing their plans. They don't like sneaking around."

Spock straightened up in his seat. "The Klingons are currently embroiled in a battle with the Federation. Despite their bloodlust, they wish to have the tactical advance. An extra level of encryption would assist in that endeavour."

Spock took the PADD back, going over the encryptions. Nyota sat staring at him while he worked. After a moment, he held out the PADD to her. Nyota let out a small huff. "I would have figured it out."

"And I have figured it out for you," Spock replied. "And much faster."

Nyota looked over the transmission. "We didn't need to get it that fast. This transmission was sent over two weeks ago. It's for a battle that already happened."

Spock's brow rose. "The communications chief must have been aware of the transmission's origin. Why would he give you something that would be irrelevant?"

"I don't know, Spock," Nyota's voice was venomous. "Why would the communications chief give a new cadet on her _first day_ something that didn't make that big of a difference? I'm sure the answer is 'so her boyfriend can rush her through it'."

"You are being sarcastic," Spock noted.

"Yes, I am," Nyota said. "This is why I didn't want you to help me, Spock. I'm on field _study_. I'm supposed to learn while I'm here. And I'm not going to learn if you do things for me."

Spock rose from his seat. He folded his hands behind his back. "I believe I need to meditate."

Before Nyota could say anything else, Spock had strode off towards their quarters. He had a lot he needed to contemplate.

* * *

Once her shift was over, Michael went to the mess. She sat down at the table she and Tyler usually ate at, in the corner away from everyone else. Their relationship had been progressing slowly, but they did eat together almost every night.

Just as Michael was about to start telling him about her day, she noticed Uhura looking around the mess from a place to sit. Michael waved her over. "Cadet Uhura."

Uhura came over, holding her tray. "Lieutenant. Hi."

"We've got a seat here. Spock's not with you?" She looked around for sight of him.

"He decided he wanted to meditate." There was a slight chilliness in Uhura's voice. Well, it seemed like there might be some trouble in paradise.

"Well, sit down," Michael urged her. "This is Lieutenant Tyler. He's in security. Tyler, this is Cadet Uhura. She's the communications trainee."

"Klingon Girl," Tyler said with a nod.

Uhura smiled wryly. "Glad that's catching on."

"Captain Pike wants me to work with you tomorrow on something," Tyler said. "I think you'll find it more interesting than translating intercepted communications."

Uhura looked down at her plate and pushed her food with her fork. "Hopefully Ensign Spock won't horn in on that one." The bitterness in her voice was clear.

Michael rolled her eyes. She wasn't surprised Spock should be messing up whatever was happening between him and Uhura already. She didn't know if Spock had made any declarations, but certain now that he was aware of his feelings he was surely acting like a jackass who didn't know how to handle them. Vulcans. "What did my little brother do?"

"He asked Number One to let him help me with my translations today. He said he just wanted to help... But it was like he was my TA again, second guessing everything I was doing!"

Michael buried her face into her palm. She shouldn't have expected anything less from Spock. "He thinks you're brilliant, Cadet. He's just..."

"...Incredibly Spock?" Uhura finished. "I know he just wants me to do a good job, but that means that I actually have to do the job!"

Michael rose from her seat. "Tyler, why don't you tell the Cadet what you'll be doing tomorrow? I need to go have a heart-to-heart with my brother."

She strode off the Spock's room. Knowing he was meditating, she entered his code to enter the room. She knelt in front of him. He didn't move from his meditation position. She leaned in close. "You're a jackass!"

Spock jerked out of his meditation and blinked at Michael. "I already have one human female displaying extreme emotions at me, I do not require another."

Michael sat on the floor in front of Spock. "Let me see if I understand how your day went today: There's a girl you like and she is now on _Discovery_ and you don't know how to deal with it. So you decide to take over her work in some sort of macho display of control. When she got pissed at you about it, you decided to shut her out and meditate on the issue rather than talking to her about it."

Spock's brow rose. "I believe you are oversimplifying the situation."

Michael sighed deeply. "She's a Starfleet Officer, Spock. You can't do her job for her!"

Spock shook his head. "In fact, Nyota is not a Starfleet Officer yet. She is a Starfleet Cadet."

"There's not much difference, Spock. Especially now that she's doing a field study. She's serving on a ship. You wouldn't have put up with us treating you with kid gloves when you were here last time. She was selected because Captain Pike thought she was up for the job. You wouldn't have a crush on her if she was incapable of doing her job."

"I _do not_ have a crush on her," Spock's voice was filled with a surprising amount of emotion. "Saying that is an insult to this feeling."

Michael blinked in surprise at Spock's outburst. "So what is it, Spock?"

Spock bowed his head. "I have known for a while it is _Shon-ha'lock_."

"Spock..." Michael breathed, shocked by the pronouncement. She had never thought Spock would admit to such a thing. "That's... You're not going to do anything about it? When the Engulfment happens, you should go into meditation. The _Shon-ha'lock_ can bring ruin to a Vulcan..."

"I'm half Human," Spock replied. He was shaking slightly. "I have experimented with humanity, but it was always an act of rebellion against Father and nothing more. What I feel for Nyota... It is the first time emotion has felt natural for me. I do not want to lose that feeling. I will be Vulcan in all things as long as I can be Human for her."

Michael sighed. "Your betrothal to T'Pring..."

"I have ended it," Spock replied. "You were right. Many years ago, you said that bond was unnatural. It was. Because I am meant to be bonded to Nyota. I know this better than I have ever known anything."

Michael smiled softly. Her little brother was really growing up. "Okay, so you're in love. And I'm happy that you are. But still... You have to allow Nyota to do her job. You fell in love with her because of how smart she is. Let her show it."

Spock bowed his head. "As her mate, it is my job to protect her and help her in any way I can."

Michael reached out and took Spock's hand, strengthening the bond between them so he could feel her earnestness. "Spock, right now... You're _not_ helping her. Helping her is letting her learn from this experience. You don't want a mate who is nothing but a beautiful ornament, just there to 'attend' you and bear your children."

Spock nodded slowly.

"Then you went and made it worse by not talking to her about your feelings."

Spock met Michael's eyes. "Vulcans do not discuss their emotions."

Michael actually laughed. "You said you want to be human for her. That means the good and the bad. It's all part of being in a relationship, Spock."

"I do not know what I would do without your guidance, Michael."

Michael ruffled his hair. "I don't think you'd have even gotten this far, Spock."

* * *

Nyota didn't come to their quarters until it was the cadet's curfew. Spock was waiting for her, sitting on the bunk they'd slept in the night before.

"Nyota." Spock rose from the bunk and crosses the room to stand before her. "Do you wish to yell at me?"

Nyota looked him over. She took his hands. He could feel the irritation at him, but still feel her love and affection underneath it. "I'm tired, Spock. I don't want to have a fight."

"I know I did the incorrect thing," Spock said. "I do not wish to displease you. That is the opposite of my intent. I just wish to assist you in any way I can."

Nyota's mouth was curved down in a frown. "You were acting like I couldn't do it."

"Of course I believe you are capable." Spock looked down at her. "I just want to assist you. I found it unbearable to watch you struggle. As your mate, I am compelled to serve you. It is Vulcan custom."

Nyota smiled softly now and got up on her tip-toes, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "Who knew that Vulcans were so romantic?"

Spock's eyebrow rose. "It is logical that one give their mate preferential treatment in order to guarantee a successful bond and prosperous reproduction."

Nyota slipped back down onto her heels. "I'm twenty-one, Spock. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. If you want to serve me, how about you give me a massage after a tough day, instead of trying to do my work for me?"

Spock looked Nyota over. He touched a hand to her back, imagining how it would feel to touch it without her uniform in his way. "There is the Vulcan technique of neuro-pressure that is similar to human massage. It can relax tense muscles and promote restfulness. You have had a tough day today."

"I have."

Spock swallowed. "It will be easier for me to administer these techniques if you are..."

Nyota stepped back. She unzipped the top of her uniform and dropped it onto her bunk. Spock's eyes widened as he watched her slowly, methodically strip out of her uniform. Eventually, she was down to just her white bra and panties. Spock could feel his body reacting to the sight of her. He wanted to indulge himself in the carnal pleasure of her.

"Sit on the edge of the bed," Spock said, his voice rough from his desire.

Nyota did as she was told. Spock moved to kneel behind her. He began to press into her pressure points. She made small mewling noises that just served to arouse him further. "Nyota..." Spock whispered. "I have had relationships, but I have never been anyone's boyfriend before. I will make errors. Just know that I love you and I will do anything to make you happy. I hope you will forgive me any missteps."

Nyota turned her head, altering her positioning so Spock could no longer administer to her. "What did you say?"

"I said I have never been..."

Nyota shook her head. "No. Did you say that you love me?"

Spock nodded.

"But you're a Vulcan," Nyota whispered.

"Vulcans still have emotions, although we suppress them due to how torrential they are. But when it comes to you... I do not wish to pull away from these emotions." Spock cupped her face. "For you, I am just Spock. And I love you."

For a moment, Spock feared the silence between them. Nyota then turned her head and pressed a kiss to his palm. "I love you too, Spock."

Nyota turned so she was kneeling in front of Spock. His brow rose. "I thought you wanted a massage."

Nyota smiled at him as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. "I think I might have another way to relax."

As Nyota kissed him, Spock realized he really did have to thank Number One.


	18. He's only human if he's to be had

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uhura's got a special mission with Tyler. And Spock is being very, very tempted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title (and the song Nyota sings) are "I Must Have That Man", as sung by Julie London.
> 
> Rating has been raised because Spock and Nyota are super horny.

The girl was raw, but she was showing no fear with the assignment she'd been given. He had to admire that nerve. Ash remembered having that, before the prison. He was still trying to recover it completely.

"How long until we make the rendezvous?" Uhura asked, looking at Ash with an unwavering stare.

"Two weeks," Ash replied. He sat down across from the Cadet. "I know they're calling you Klingon Girl, but I need to know... How is it, really? How good are you? I know Cadets exaggerate on their applications."

Uhura leaned in. " _MajQa'_."

Ash felt the bile rise in his throat at the sound of the guttural words. He closed his eyes, immediately seeing visions of L'Rell in his mind. He shook it off after a moment. "You'll have to prove that, Cadet. The Universal Translator isn't great with Klingon..."

"The translators are never going to be as good as a fluent speaker," Uhura replied. "It's a computer. It can only give you literal translations. You'll miss out on the subtleties of speech. A lot can be revealed in the way someone says a word that the computer is going to miss."

Ash eyed her. "But you still program them."

Uhura shrugged. "Someone has to teach the things."

Ash leaned in towards her. "Listen, I know how close you are to Ensign Spock. But this mission is on a need-to-know basis right now. It's the only way we can be secure. Are you okay with that?"

Uhura nodded. "I wasn't going to tell him anyway."

Ash frowned slightly. "Why is that?"

"He wouldn't want me to do it," Uhura smiled wryly. "He's a little overprotective. And this doesn't sound easy."

Ash nodded. "Let's get to work then."

* * *

Chris stood next to Spock as he looked over the cadets. They had been on the ship for a week now and were starting to settle in.

"What do you think of them?" Chris asked. Spock may have only been an Ensign, but he trusted the kid. He was going to be an exemplary command officer someday. It wouldn't have surprised Chris if he was a Captain by thirty. Besides, Spock had been at the Academy with the cadets, knew them better than anyone else on board.

"They are raw," Spock commented. "But they are learning quickly. I believe any of these cadets would serve well on the Enterprise by the time it is ready to launch." Pike noticed Spock's gaze shift to one cadet in particular. "Some more than others."

Klingon Girl. Nyota Uhura. It hadn't escaped Chris's notice how Spock's eyes lingered on the girl whenever she was in the room. He was sure everyone had noticed. It was rare to see a Vulcan display such bold affection and desire, but it was clear that Spock was downright smitten with the cadet.

Not that Spock's assessment was biased. Uhura had been getting very positive assessments from the officers she had worked with. She was incredibly smart and willing to work hard. It was amazing that she was only a first year cadet. Then, it shouldn't be a surprise that Spock would become enamoured of a hard working genius.

Alpha shift was letting off and many members of the Senior Staff were coming off duty into the rec room to relax. The Cadets were gathered, discussing what they were missing back on Earth.

Cadet Tilly was cajoling Uhura. "Come on, there has to be something you miss on Earth!"

Uhura looked towards Chris. No... She was looking directly at Spock. "I'm actually really excited about what is here."

Oh, so it seemed like Spock's infatuation wasn't one-sided, was it?

"Come _on_ ," Tilly chided her. "One thing you miss."

Uhura sighed. "Fine. I miss singing. I had a lot of fun in the Choral Club at the Academy, but I can't really do it here."

Tilly sighed. "Well, that's easy to take care of, isn't it?"

"What?" Uhura laughed. "Sing in the shower? I mean, I can't do it in my quarters. I doubt Spock would like that."

Chris raised an eyebrow and looked at Spock. That was certainly a surprising revelation. Spock must've owed Number One a favour. He doubted he'd ended up rooming with Uhura just by happenstance.

"Do it here!" Tilly gestured around. "Your voice is friggin' great and everyone would love to hear it."

Uhura shook her head. "I can't do that. I mean, the Captain's right there."

Chris looked Spock over. This could be very interesting. "Actually, Cadet... I agree with Cadet Tilly. I think everyone would like to hear you."

The door opened and Burnham and Tyler entered. "What's going on?" Burnham asked.

Chris leaned over towards her. "Something fun, I think."

"Fine!" Uhura sighed from all of the cajoling. She took out a PADD And went through it. She pressed the interface and jazzy music began to emanate from it.

"This isn't choral music," Cadet Hawkins pointed out.

Uhura rose to her feet. She glanced over at Spock. "This is a bit more fun."

She leaned against the table as if it were a piano in a smoky nightclub. She began to sing in a throaty voice. "Don't want my mammy... I don't need a friend..." She clutched at her chest. "My heart is broken, it won't ever mend... I ain't much carin... Just where I will end... I must have that man."

As if Spock hadn't been standing stock straight, he seemed to become even more rigid in the spine. Chris could hear him take in a sharp breath.

Uhura rose up and gave a swing of her hips. "I'm like an oven... That's cryin' for heat... He treats me awful... Each time we meet... It's just unlawful... How that boy can cheat... But I must have that man."

As fantastic as Uhura's performance was-- everyone in the rec room were glued to it-- Chris was much more entertained by Spock's reactions to it. His hands, folded behind his back, were curling into fists. His whole body was completely tense.

It got even worse when Cadet Uhura's attention turned towards Spock. She didn't move towards him, but her gaze was certainly locked on him. "He's hot as Hades... A lady's not safe in his arms when she's kissed... But I'm afraid that when he's cooled off... And maybe I'm ruled off his list..."

Finally, Uhura slunk towards the door, which by a very happy coincidence was right near where Spock was. She leaned against the wall, coquettishly glancing at Spock through her lashes. "I need that person much worse 'n just bad... I'm half alive 'n he's drivin' me mad..."

Spock actually moved towards her, looming over her. Uhura looked up at him, smiling saucily. "He's only human if he's to be had... I must have that man... I must have that man..." Spock moved a little bit closer to her still. "I must have that man..."

The pair were staring at each other as the last strains of the song died out.

It was like a switch was thrown and Uhura bounded away from Spock. She grabbed up her PADD and grinned at Tilly. "And that is me singing. You're lucky the Captain asked. I usually only do that after a few shots of Jack."

She glanced over at Spock. Chris could feel the energy coming off of Spock. It seemed like the Ensign was about two seconds away from claiming the girl in front of the whole crew.

"I should head out," Uhura said, glancing over at Spock. "I had some transmissions I wanted to work on in my room. Somewhere it's quiet."

The Cadet skipped towards the door. She gave Chris a smile. "Thanks for letting me do that, Captain. Lieutenants..." She nodded to Burnham and Tyler. Her gaze slid to Spock and she gave him a look that could only be described as smouldering. "Ensign."

With that, she left the rec room. Spock turned to Chris. "Captain, if you do not mind I have some things that need my attention."

"Have a good night, Spock." Chris said, unable to stop from smirking at the Ensign's eagerness.

Without another word, Spock hurried out of the rec room. Stamets wandered over as Spock left. "Hm. Spock's sleeping with Klingon Girl? Didn't know he had it in him."

Burnham let out a nervous laugh. "He's not!" Three sets of disbelieving eyes landed on her. "They're serving on a ship together!" Burnham seemed to be trying to cover up for him, perhaps by the Ensign's request. "He wouldn't do that. Not a Vulcan..."

Chris chuckled. "Lieutenant, your brother is half-Vulcan... Not half-dead."

* * *

As soon as they were in the turbolift alone, Spock pinned Nyota's wrists to the wall. He pressed his lips to hers, plundering her mouth with his tongue. After a heated moment, he pulled away and let out a hiss. "You did that on purpose."

Nyota panted, wrapping her legs around his waist. "The Captain asked me to do it."

"You did not have to sing that particular song," Spock growled. He buried his face in her neck, nuzzling her before giving her a gentle bite. "You nearly got me aroused in front of the Captain."

Nyota arched a brow. "Nearly?"

Spock slid one hand down to possessively squeeze Nyota's backside. "I am still Vulcan, Nyota."

Nyota ground her hips against his. "Then why did you run out after me and pin me to the wall in here?"

Spock pulled back. He unwound her legs from his waist and set her down on the ground. "You undo me, Nyota. And you enjoy watching it happen."

When the doors to the turbolift opened, they made their way to their quarters. Once ensconced within, Spock pulled Nyota back to him. He cupped her face, nuzzling his nose against her. "You make it very hard to take things slow."

"We don't need to," Nyota whispered, getting up on her tip-toes to take a quick kiss from his lips. "Spock, when else are we going to have the opportunity to share quarters? And we're just not going to use it?"

Spock pulled her to his bunk. He sat down, settling her into his lap. "We have only been together since the start of our tour. It is my understanding it is too soon for sexual intimacy."

"Don't you want me?" Nyota asked softly.

Spock growled. He nipped at her jaw. "More than I have ever wanted anyone. But I also do not want to spoil our relationship by rushing our intimacies."

"Spock..." Nyota moaned. "I'm on top of you. And I want you. And you want me. It's not rushing anything if we both want it. We've been building towards this for months."

Seizing Nyota by the waist, Spock rolled them over. They were now lying on their sides, Nyota's back against his chest. He divested her of her uniform, leaving her in only her underclothes. Spock pressed up against her, still fully dressed. "If I do anything you do not wish, just tell me."

Nyota groaned and bucked back against him. He held her still before sliding his hand between her legs. He brought two fingers to the gusset of her panties, rubbing against it. Nyota whimpered and turned her head into the pillow.

"How is this?" Spock asked, pressing his fingertips harder against her. "Talk to me, Nyota. Is this what you did while you were in my guest room, hoping I would come in and find you?"

"Spock..." Nyota reached back, clutching at his hair.

Spock settled in closer, sucking at her neck. From this position, he could whisper darkly into her ear. "I asked you a question, didn't I, Nyota? Is this what you wanted? Is this what you thought about?"

"Spock," Nyota groaned, pressing herself down against his fingers. He could feel how hot, how wet, she was. Spock wanted to pull off his own uniform and bury himself inside of the trembling girl. But he could control himself. He would rein in his desires until the time was right. He didn't want their first time to just be a quick fumble in their bunk.

That didn't mean he could not be creative until then.

"Spock!" Nyota sobbed. The sounds she made were like nothing he'd ever heard before. It was like music to him. Neither Leila nor Number One had inflamed his blood like Nyota did.

"You still haven't answered my question, Nyota..." Spock pulled away his fingers. Nyota whined and her hips bucked to find his hand again. Spock brought his fingers to her mouth, brushing the pads against her lips. She obligingly opened her mouth and took his fingers in, sucking on them wantonly.

Spock huffed out a breath, thrusting his hips against her backside to find some friction.

Her teeth scraped gently against his flesh as Spock withdrew his fingers. As good as the sensation was, he wanted to hear the noises Nyota made, wanted her to talk to him and he wanted to continue pleasuring her.

"I...." Nyota groaned as Spock's hand slipped into her panties, exploring the treasures he'd not yet seen. "I tried to keep quiet. I would bite my lip and run my fingers over myself. I'd slide them into me. I'd imagine you were doing it."

"Like this?" Spock asked as he breached her.

Nyota moaned and nodded her head. She tried to turn her body towards him. "Spock..."

"Nyota, if you turn towards me, I might not be able to resist," Spock warned her. He kissed her neck.

"You don't _have_ to resist..." Nyota pressed her posterior back against Spock.

Spock groaned and pulled his hand out of Nyota's panties. He stilled her hips. "I do have to resist, Nyota. My desires for you are very, very human. I need to be sure that I can remain Vulcan before I go any further."

Nyota glanced back and he could see the plain vulnerability in her eyes. "And if you're not able to be Vulcan while you're with me?"

Spock pressed his face into Nyota's shoulder. "I want to be Vulcan..." He finally turned her to face him. He cupped her face. "But I _need_ you."

She leaned in and kissed him deeply. Spock fell into the kiss, the presence of the girl enveloping him. He sighed against her mouth. "Just give me time. I would like to have both if I could."

Nyota gave a small nod. She tilted her head so her lips were against his ear. She gave a small lick to the pointed tip before very softly singing. "He's only Vulcan if he's to be had... I must have that man... I must have that man..."

Spock growled low in his throat. "Maybe a small loss of control is permitted."

Nyota gave a small shriek as Spock pinned her to the bunk.


	19. We strive to teach the youth, baby, and stay alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While the junior crewmembers of Discovery have a party, both Spock and Michael deepen their relationships with their significant others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired heavily by the Discovery episode "Magic to Make the Sanest Man Go Mad" and features some dialogue inspired by "Into the Forest I Go". 
> 
> Chapter title comes from "We Trying to Stay Alive" by Wyclef Jean feat Refugee All Stars.

Michael walked alongside Stamets. She was still dressed in her uniform, despite her destination. She glared at Stamets. "This is a terrible idea."

"You need to relax, Lieutenant Burnham. These orders are coming from the Captain."

Michael crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Stamets. "You aren't being ordered to do this, and you need to relax as much as I do."

Stamets leaned towards Michael. "I am a cranky married man. My idea of relaxation is a night with my husband."

Huffing out a breath, Michael rolled her eyes. "Well, my idea of relaxation isn't going to a party. I was raised by Vulcans, Stamets. Do you really think Vulcans go to parties?"

Stamets opened the door to the rec room. The first thing Michael saw was Spock. Not only was Spock at a party, he was _dancing_. At least, it was some form of dancing. He was standing behind Cadet Uhura, grinding against her while she wriggled her hips to the beat of the classical hip-hop.

Stamets just gave Michael a silent look. Michael scowled. "He doesn't count."

"He shouldn't have gotten rid of his earring," Stamets commented. "But Cadet Uhura does look glad he kept his leather jacket."

Michael shook her head. "I can't believe my brother is grinding a Cadet."

Stamets continued to glare at her. "I can't believe Spock loosened up before you. Cadet Uhura must have magic sexy parts."

Michael huffed out a breath. "That's my brother you're talking about, Lieutenant."

"That doesn't make it any less true," Stamets replied. "And I think it's done Spock a world of good. Now you need to have some good done for you."

Michael's eyebrow rose. "And what exactly are you implying?"

Stamets jerked his head towards Tyler. "Come on. Everyone knows you two are crazy about each other. Just get on with it already."

Michael looked over at Tyler, before shaking her head. She let out a dismissive laugh. "That is hardly the Captain's business."

"Yeah, well... Maybe he sees how you two get distracted by each other and thinks you two need to do something about it. The same as the rest of the crew. Michael, come on... It's Tyler. No one you have to be afraid of."

Michael looked at Stamets for a long moment. She then glanced over at Tyler again.

"You know," Stamets said. "I wouldn't want to be out here without Hugh. It makes a difference. Having someone."

Michael looked away from Tyler briefly to glance at Spock. She was now facing him and he was bowing his head shyly. Michael could tell that he was trying to mask his smile. Cadet Uhura did that for him. Cadet Uhura made him smile in public.

Without another word, Michael stalked over to Tyler. She took a deep breath, standing in front of him. "I think we should dance."

Tyler gave a nod. "I think you're right."

Michael draped her arms over Tyler's shoulders. She cast another wary glance over at Spock and Uhura. "Maybe we shouldn't dance like that."

Tyler smiled. "You should never leave it up to Vulcans to be the respectable ones. Let's show him how it's done."

* * *

Spock groaned, clutching at Nyota's hips as she danced with him. She had turned to face him, draping her arms over his shoulders. Her body rolled and undulated against him temptingly. "I'm surprised you would do this with me."

"We've danced before," Spock pointed out. "Amongst many more people."

"People who didn't know us," Nyota pointed out. "People we don't work with. In a very dark club."

Spock leaned in, brushing his nose against the column of Nyota's throat. "After your spectacle singing, I doubt there are many on the crew who are unaware we are involved together. Especially as most of the crew know we are sharing a bunk." Spock growled softly. "It does not take much of a logical leap to surmise we are engaged in a sexual relationship."

Nyota pressed closer to Spock. "But we haven't...."

Spock pressed a finger to Nyota's lips to hush her. "Even without that aspect, we have certainly had sexual experiences together that will culminate in our consummating our relationship."

Nyota's lower lip jutted out in a pout. "Can't we just do it now? I'm ready. I want you, Spock."

Spock gazed at Nyota's pouting face. He leaned in and took that lower lip between his, giving it a suck before delving his tongue into Nyota's mouth. Nyota moaned and wriggled against him. Any pretense of dancing was over. Spock effortlessly lifted Nyota up and carried her to the sofa, setting her down in his lap.

Nyota beamed at him. "You kissed me."

Spock groaned as Nyota rubbed her index and middle finger against his. He brought their hands up, allowing their fingers to tangle together. "I did." He leaned in and brushed his lips against hers again.

Nyota sighed softly against him. "I didn't think Vulcans kissed in public."

Spock glanced around. "I do not see any Vulcans here aside from me. No human is offended from seeing us kiss."

A hand cupped Spock's face. He leaned into Nyota's gentle touch. "You surprise me, Spock. I didn't think you were going to be like this."

"What did you think I'd be like?" Spock murmured. He nuzzled his nose to the crook of her neck. Nyota had worn a sleeveless red dress, exposing her shoulders and clavicle. Her skin tasted delicious, felt so soft. "Unwilling to display affection for my partner, despite a want to, her want for such a thing and the society we exist in having no qualms about such displays? Nyota, be logical please."

Nyota whined softly, wriggling close to him. Her lips brushed against the tip of Spock's ear, making him shudder. "I think being logical would be going to our quarters where we can better display our affection."

"Better display?" Spock repeated, closing his eyes as Nyota's teeth teased the tip of his ear. "And how would we do that?"

Nyota's voice was low and seductive as she whispered into his ear. "I thought I would start by sucking your _lok_."

Spock gripped her hips tightly. "Nyota."

Nyota gave him a teasing smile. "Yes, Spock?"

He huffed out a breath against her cheek. "You are impossible."

Nyota pressed closer to him and Spock's arms instinctively tightened around her, needing that press against him. "Does that mean you don't want it?"

Spock nipped at her mouth. "No, it means I wish we had skipped this party."

Nyota giggled softly. "I get the feeling you always want to skip parties."

Spock cupped her cheek. "I don't if you are there." He purred softly. "But I do think it would be more productive if we were alone."

Nyota fingers hooked in his jacket. Her dark eyes raked over him and Spock could read everything on her face. The lust went through his body and he pulled himself to his feet, taking Nyota with him.

She curled her arms around him. "Spock... Look at your sister."

Spock glanced over at Michael, stiffly dancing with Tyler. "She is in love with him."

Nyota gazed up at him. "You are very in touch with emotions. Are you sure your father is a Vulcan?"

"Vulcans have emotions. Especially when one is affected by _Shon-ha'lock_."

"The Engulfment?" Nyota questioned as they walked down the corridor. "What does that mean? I've never heard of it before."

Spock lifted Nyota up off her feet easily, kissing her soundly. "It is the most intense and psychologically perilous form of eros. It can bring Vulcans to ruin and must be rectified."

Nyota's toes were barely skimming the floor. "And you think that Michael is feeling that for Lieutenant Tyler?"

Spock's hands moved from Nyota's hips to her backside, cupping it. "I think I am feeling that for you."

Nyota blinked. "And how do you plan to rectify that?"

Spock's brow rose. "I was considering letting you do what you threatened when we were at the party and then returning the favour."

Nyota giggled. "Aren't we going slowly?"

Spock purred. "Cadet Uhura, I plan to take it very slowly." He kissed her smoothly. "And thoroughly."

* * *

Michael sighed against Tyler's-- no, Ash's-- mouth. She really needed to think of him as Ash if they were going to be going this far.

Their dance had been awkward. But Spock's conspicuous exit with Cadet Uhura was inspirational. If Michael's brother-- her _Vulcan brother_ \-- was unafraid of being affectionate and emotional with his girlfriend, Michael could not fear doing the same with Ash.

Ash's mouth was smooth against hers. His hands were warm. They made their way to his quarters.

Ash sighed when he saw the comm flashing. He gave Michael a quick kiss. "Just a minute."

He moved to his comm and looked at the message. Ash's body stiffened, his body language changing entirely.

"What's wrong?" Michael asked.

Ash turned to Michael. "I need to tell you something." He paused for a long time. "I didn't want to burden you with it. But... If we're here now... Then you need to know..."

A jolt of fear went through Michael. Something was very, very wrong. "What is it, Ash?"

"It's how I survived as a POW. The Klingons usually don't keep prisoners alive. But they kept me. Their captain took a liking to me."

"A liking?" Michael repeated, a sick feeling growing in her stomach.

"I would have been dead like all of the others if it wasn't for her. If she hadn't become obsessed with me. If I hadn't..." He paused, looking away in shame. "If I hadn't encouraged it."

The bile was rising in Michael's throat. She reached out to touch Ash's hand, a gentle _ozh'esta_ , giving him silent support. She understood what he was saying. She didn't need to hear anymore. She didn't want to hear anymore. But she would let him say it. He needed to.

"What she did to me..." Ash closed his eyes. "I just kept thinking if I could get through the next day... And the next... Through every second of it, I thought it would be easier if she just tortured me."

Michael's heart ached for Ash. "Why are you telling me this now? What was that message?"

Ash cupped Michael's face. "I wanted to tell you now because... I love you, Michael. But I need you to know who I am."

Michael twined her fingers with Ash and leaned in, pressing her forehead to his.

She remembered telling Spock about what it felt like to be in love. She realized now she had no idea until that very moment what it really was.


	20. You promise me heaven, then put me through hell.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nyota and Ash do their special assignment, but there is a big problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from "You Give Love a Bad Name" by Bon Jovi.
> 
> WARNING: This chapter contains some description of sexual assault

Ash looked down at Michael, still lying asleep in his bed. He ran a hand over her bare back, remembering their evening together.

He flinched as the memories of their coupling blended with the sessions with L'Rell.

He felt a flash of something strange inside of him. Something that had been gnawing away at him since he'd started his latest assignment. This was the day it all came to a head.

Michael turned her head and opened her eyes. "Good morning."

Ash smiled, leaning in. He pressed a kiss to Michael's lips. "Good morning. You still have a while until your shift."

Michael sat up. "What about you?"

"Have something I need to do," Ash closed his eyes, taking in Michael's scent. "Thank you. For last night. It was... It meant a lot."

Michael looked up at him. "Usually not a good sign when you run off first thing."

Ash nuzzled her shoulder. "I'd rather stay here. Believe me. But I've got an assignment. I'll see you after Alpha Shift."

Michael frowned slightly. "Are you all right?"

Ash could feel his heart thundering in his chest. The blood was pumping in his ears. He gave a terse nod. "I'm fine. We'll have dinner tonight."

He finally pulled away from Michael, walking towards the door. Every fibre of his being felt strange, knowing what laid before him.

Cadet Uhura was already out of her quarters, as was Ensign Spock. They were both in their uniforms. They were touching fingers as they kissed tenderly.

"What are you doing today?" Spock asked against her mouth.

"Translating stuff," Uhura replied. She tilted her chin up and Spock kissed her again. "What about you?"

"Science stuff." Spock noticed Ash and pulled back from Uhura. He straightened up. "Lieutenant Tyler."

"Don't mind me," Ash replied, turning his head away. "I am going to need Cadet Uhura soon though. We had a job to do."

"A job?" Spock said to Uhura. "What kind of job?"

"Translating," she replied. "Nothing for you to worry about. I'll see you tonight."

" _Taluhk nash-veh k'dular_ ," Spock whispered.

Uhura giggled. " _Heh nash-veh du_."

When she pulled away from Spock to walk alongside Ash, Uhura's expression changed. This was not a silly lovesick girl any longer. This was a fiercely determined Starfleet officer. "I got your message. They're here?"

"I need you ready," Ash said, hand dropping to his phaser. The beat of his heart was becoming like a war drum. "No cadet has been asked to do anything like this before. You can't lose your nerve."

"I'll be fine. We've been getting ready for this for weeks."

Ash wasn't sure if he was really trying to assure Uhura so much as himself. This veritable child had never seen a second of combat, yet she seemed more certain about what they were about to do than he was.

"Are you sure you don't want Spock for backup? I don't want you to miss anything in translation and my abilities are... Less than conversational."

Uhura just smiled. Ash cocked his head. "You still think he'd be overprotective?"

"He loves me," Uhura said quietly. "And I get the feeling that's not something Vulcans do without it being one hundred percent. We'll have to work out the kinks."

For some reason, Uhura mentioning Spock's love for her brought out a memory. Words whispered to him. His heart began to beat harder.

Ash led Uhura to the cell. He used his handprint to open the door.

The blood was rushing in his ears. His vision was getting blurry. He couldn't breath. He thought he might be sick.

" _jIQubqa' 'e' vIHarpu'._ "

" _jItlhaQbe'._ "

Ash looked up. He looked at the Klingon woman. He tried to tell himself that she was behind a force field. He had to keep telling himself that. She was behind a force field. She was a prisoner.

"She thinks I'm small," Uhura translated. "What do you want me to ask her?"

Ash tried to swallow. His mind was racing.

Kill her. Make an example of her. Kill her. Bathe in her blood.

"Why did she do it?" Ash demanded, forgetting about the questions he'd gone over with Captain Pike.

" _qatlh Data'?_ " Uhura asked.

L'Rell cocked her head. She glanced over Uhura before turning to Ash. " _chay' jIvangnIS?_ "

"She doesn't know what you're asking. What did she do that you want explained?"

Ash could see it in his mind. He could see L'Rell on top of him. He could feel her teeth digging into him, her yell of passion.

Kill her, kill her, kill her. You could snap her like a twig!

L'Rell didn't want for another question, continuing to talk in a low, growling voice.

"She says that even through the force field, she can smell you." Uhura turned to Ash. "She can smell _her_."

Kill her! Kill her! Kill her!

L'Rell continued to talk, Uhura translating quickly. "She said she came here for you. She missed you. She was worried about you. Now she understands why. She comes here to find you smelling of human girl..."

" _bIjatlh 'e' yImev!_ " Ash roared, glaring at Uhura.

Shut up. He understood what he said. And he said to Uhura. Not to L'Rell.

Uhura stared at him in wide eyed shock. "Lieutenant?"

His heart was still pounding. He looked from the shocked Uhura, then to L'Rell, who had now gone quiet.

"Tell her we'll be back tomorrow with more questions," Ash said, turning to leave without another word.

* * *

"You are being too aggressive," Spock murmured, putting his hands on Nyota's hips. " _Suus Mahna_ is defensive."

"I'm just a little frustrated today," Nyota explained. "I had a weird day."

Spock leaned in closer, his breath against her ear. He moved his hand from her waist to brush against her index and middle fingers. "Do you want to tell me about it?"

Nyota turned her head to look at Spock. She shook her head slowly. "Not right now."

His tongue slipped out and he started to lean in closer. "Or I could..."

"Am I interrupting something?"

Nyota jerked away quickly from Spock at the sound of Captain Pike's voice. "Captain!" She could feel the heat flood her face. "Ensign Spock was just training me... In Vulcan martial arts..."

Pike went to the treadmill. "Please don't let me interrupt." He began to run, smiling slyly at the pair.

Spock's expression was completely blank. "Cadet, shall we continue? We still have another half an hour of instruction."

Nyota looked up at Spock, her eyes wide. She then glanced over at Captain Pike, who was busy running. Before Nyota could stop him, he grabbed her hips again and pulled her back to him. "Follow me." He began to guide her as he leaned in close. "And try to stop thinking about last night. You are aware Vulcans are touch telepaths."

She knew Spock was just teasing her. Only a mind meld could reveal her full thoughts. Besides, if he was reading her, he wouldn't be seeing their fumbling the night before, but rather the strange interrogation of L'Rell.

Nyota touched Spock's hand. "You know I'll never do this as well as you. Vulcans are three times as strong as humans."

Spock continued to guide her. "In Suus Mahna, you use your opponent's strength against them for defense. It does not matter how strong you are. It is the strength of the person against you that will bring their downfall."

Nyota went along with Spock's quiet instructions for the next half hour. When they were finished, Nyota noticed Pike watching them as he wiped the sweat from his brow.

"Your form is improving," Spock commented.

Nyota looked over at Captain Pike. She couldn't get her mind off the interrogation. "Captain, may I have a word with you about diplomatic protocols?"

"Nyota?" Spock asked, casting a quick look to Pike. "Cadet Uhura. Is everything all right?"

Nyota gave him a small smile. "There's probably going to be a rush of cadets in the mess. Why don't you go get us a table? I'll catch up in a moment."

Spock nodded, but still looked wary. He walked out the door. Nyota went to Pike. "Captain..."

"You two make a cute couple," Pike commented. "I've been telling Spock for years to find a nice girl. I should have known he would go above and beyond."

Nyota's face flushed hot. "Captain... I..."

Pike smiled. "I mean, if you two were a couple. Which obviously you're not." He winked.

"Captain, I wanted to speak to you about the prisoner. I'm concerned about Lieutenant Tyler's reaction to her. It was strange."

Pike sighed and nodded. "Yeah. I saw the security footage. His panic attack isn't surprising, but it is worrying. Number One will be taking over the interrogation."

"Thank you, Captain."

Pike nodded. "It'll be fine, Cadet."

Nyota smiled and left the gym. She walked towards the mess. As she walked down the corridor, she heard yelling.

" _You're lying!_ "

" _You know I'm not! You can feel it deep down! It is who you are!_ "

The door to the brig was open. Whoever had entered had done so in haste. The person who was yelling.

Yelling in Klingon.

"Lieutenant Tyler?" Uhura said quietly.

A hand wrapped around Uhura's neck. Tyler held her tightly. " _I thought about killing you all day._ "

Uhura squirmed in his grasp. "Lieutenant Tyler!"

" _My name is Voq._ "


	21. He didn't even say goodbye. He didn't take the time to lie.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nyota is being threatened by Voq and it will rock both Spock and Michael.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)" by Nancy Sinatra

Spock sat stiffly at the mess hall table, waiting for Nyota. He wasn't sure what was taking her so long. She had said she would only be a moment, wanting to have a quick word with the Captain.

Still, it may have been a more involved conversation than she initially believed. Spock would just wait for her to arrive so they could have their evening meal together.

He looked up at the sound of someone bounding over to him. "Ensign Spock!" Cadet Tilly said, slightly breathless. She was clutching her tray. "I suppose you're waiting for Cadet Uhura, aren't you?"

Spock looked at the free seats across the table from him. "Yes, I--"

"Good!" Tilly put her tray down and slid into one of the free chairs. She leaned over towards Spock. "That guy over there... Looking this way... I made out with him last night and..." She grimaced. "Yikes."

Spock looked around to see if he could spot Nyota. "Perhaps it is unwise to spend a social gathering becoming physically intimate."

Tilly frowned slightly. "Didn't you spend most of the party dancing and then making out with Uhura?"

Spock's brow rose. "Unwise to spend a social gathering becoming physically intimate with someone you do not know."

Tilly continued to speak, while Spock wondered where Nyota was. She had been gone far too long--

Spock felt something deep inside him. It shocked him unlike anything he had ever felt before. It took him a moment to recognize what the sensation was. He had not felt it since his first mission on Discovery.

It was fear. This was worse than any fear he'd ever personally experienced, as he knew it to belong to Nyota. He was feeling her fear as if it were his own.

He jumped to his feet, abandoning Tilly at the table. He raced out of the mess, nearly running down Number One along the way.

"Ensign?" Number One called out in question.

Spock didn't stop to explain. He couldn't. He needed to find Nyota. He needed to know why she was so afraid.

The fear flooded him and left him feeling nauseous. Yet it led him directly to her. Her terror was a beacon to him.

When Spock found her, in the brig, his own fear mixed with hers. Tyler had his hands on her beautiful throat.

"Release her," Spock demanded.

" _Take her from me,_ " Tyler demanded in Klingon.

Spock didn't know how to move closer to Tyler while he was holding Nyota by the neck. What had happened to him? Why had he turned on Nyota? Why were they in the brig with a Klingon woman?

 _Michael!_ Spock called through his katra bond with his sister. _I need your help!_

" _Voq!_ " The Klingon woman said from inside of her cell. " _Kill them and free me!_ "

The way the Klingon spoke to Tyler made Spock realize what was going on. Michael had told him Tyler's history. He had been a POW of the Klingons for a year. Something had happened to him while he was there to make him a sleeper agent for the Klingons.

He looked to Nyota, reaching across the tentative bond that neither of them had realized was there until that moment. He tried to send her his affection for her, along with the reassurance that he would get her to safety.

Michael ran in, followed by Number One. The expression on Tyler's face immediately changed. To Spock, he appeared to be another person.

Because he was. Voq was another personality inside of him.

"Michael," Tyler said in Standard. He looked down at Nyota briefly. "No... This isn't.... You can't be here.... What am I..."

"Voq!" The Klingon woman hissed. " _Kill them!_ "

While Tyler was distracted, looking from Michael to the Klingon woman, Nyota grabbed something from his waist. It happened so fast, even Spock had difficulty seeing it.

The phaser discharged, firing at Tyler's foot. In his pain, he released Nyota.

"What's happening?" Michael demanded.

With Nyota now freed, Spock strode forward and grabbed Tyler by the neck, utilizing the Vulcan nerve pinch.

"What is going on, Ensign?" Number One asked.

Spock stood back up. He walked to Nyota, not looking at Michael or Number One. "I would have Doctor Culber confirm it with deep scans, but I believe Lieutenant Tyler may be a Klingon altered to appear human."

He cupped Nyota's face in his hands, leaning in to press his forehead to hers. She was safe. She was with him. Spock didn't let her pull back, even when Number One began to question her as security officers came in to secure Tyler. "What happened, Cadet?"

"I heard arguing in Klingon," Nyota replied. "I came in here and then... That happened."

Spock was overwhelmed by the relief of his _K'hat'n'dlawa_ 's safety. Vulcans tried to suppress their emotions because of how deeply they felt them. Had Michael not been there, he may well have killed Tyler-Voq-whoever he was. He dared to touch _his_ Nyota. Spock pulled Nyota close to him. He needed her against him.

He remained at her side throughout the questioning by Number One. The Security team came and collected Tyler. He would be taken to the infirmary, but he needed to be secured.

Spock felt the distress from Michael, but it was fleeting. He glanced at her and saw her face. Something about her had changed in that moment. It was like they were back on Vulcan, the day Spock turned down the VSA.

Spock stood up. "Michael..."

Michael looked at him. "Stay with Cadet Uhura. She requires your presence more than I do."

Spock wanted to go with his sister to help her, but he felt the extreme, overwhelming protectiveness towards Nyota.

"I think that's all of the questions for now, Cadet Uhura," Number One said to Uhura. It was odd to hear Number One use someone's real name, but Spock supposed 'Klingon Girl' would be very inappropriate at the moment. "Doctor Culber will be busy with Lieutenant Tyler, but you might want to see Doctor Pollard."

"I'm okay," Nyota whispered. "I'm just a little tired."

Spock helped Nyota to stand up. "I will take Cadet Uhura to her quarters. I will remain close in case she ends up in any distress over the situation."

Number One gave a quick, silent nod and Spock led Nyota back to their quarters. His heart was pounding in his side. Someone had tried to take _his_ bondmate. He had not laid enough of a claim to her.

Once they were ensconced inside their quarters, Spock pressed Nyota up against the wall and hungrily took her mouth.

"Spock," Nyota whimpered against his mouth. She quivered in his arms. His precious Nyota. He had been denying them both and he couldn't do it any longer. He had nearly lost her.

"Nyota, I burn for you," Spock murmured. She didn't know the origin of the term yet. He had not informed her of the _Pon Farr_.

Nyota kissed him back just as needily. "Please Spock."

Spock methodically removed their uniforms. He gazed down at the woman beneath him and knew he had truly found his _K'hat'n'dlawa_. He could not imagine a life without her, nor did he wish to.

It wasn't just a want for her body. The want to bond with Nyota fully was almost overwhelming. He knew he could not yet start a proper mating bond, but he could indulge in _Emafa Kito_. Spock couldn't believe he'd finally reached a moment where he wanted to engage in such an activity.

Then, it was Nyota. Spock wanted to do everything with her. Eventually, he would take her to the place of _koon-ut-kal-if-fee_ and claim her for his wife.

"May I join with you?" Spock asked Nyota softly.

Nyota squirmed nude beneath him. "I thought we were..."

"In every way..." Spock murmured, his voice low and dark. "I want to join both our bodies and minds."

Nyota nodded eagerly.

Spock placed his fingers at Nyota's psi-points as he moved his body against hers. He was overwhelmed by the feeling of joining. He had never felt such a sense of acceptance and belonging before. The connection he should have felt with T'Pring felt dull compared to the white hot bond to Nyota.

She was safe. She was with him. She was _his._

"I love you, I love you, I love you." Nyota's words were clear in his mind as they were in his ears. Every time he heard the words, he felt a surge in his heart.

"I love you too, Nyota," Spock whispered in her ear. He had looked for his place in the galaxy his entire life. He had found it. It was not a place. It was this girl.

* * *

Michael stood against the wall, watching sedately as Tyler-- Voq-- writhed on the exam table, struggling against the bindings that he'd been secured with. Doctor Culber was examining him, speaking to Captain Pike.

"I'm certain he was originally a Klingon... But his organs... they're human. And they match Ash Tyler."

Michael stood up straighter. "They are Ash Tyler."

Culber looked over at Michael. He nodded. "Yes. I think you're right. This body was altered to look like Ash Tyler, but the organs are Ash Tyler... and the mind...."

"It is Voq," Michael said coldly.

Culber shook his head. "It's not that simple, Lieutenant Burnham."

"Michael!" Tyler wailed mournfully.

"The organs are human. Ash's personality is his. The Voq personality is in there. But I honestly can't say one personality is more natural than the other. It is as if Voq and Ash exist within the same body."

Voq tried to get his hands free. "Michael! Help me!"

Michael held her head high.

"Lieutenant Burnham?" Captain Pike asked.

Michael felt empty inside. "That's not Ash Tyler. That's nothing but a Klingon monster."


	22. Just gonna have to be a different man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock and Nyota deal with the further development of their relationship, while Michael tries to cope with finding out the truth about Tyler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter titles from "Changes" by David Bowie.

Spock was still in bed, which was unusual for him. Normally, he would be meditating. However, he didn't want to disturb the small woman in his arms. He'd never awoken with a naked woman before. His relationships with Leila and Number One did not include actually resting together.

He had never been so content after a sexual experience. It was not just physical fulfillment of sexual desire. The _Emafa Kito_ made everything feel so much richer. He had known that Nyota was his logical mate and now he was certain of it.

The door chimes alerted Spock to someone there. He carefully slipped out from under Nyota. He retrieved his pants, sliding them on before answering the door. He blinked to see Captain Pike on the other side. "Captain, I am surprised to see you."

"I thought you would be up already. We've been dealing with Lieutenant Tyler for most of the night."

Spock put his hands behind his back. "Was it as I thought? Is Lieutenant Tyler a Klingon transformed into a human?"

Captain Pike grimaced. "It's a bit more complicated than that, but close enough. I'm taking you and Cadet Uhura off duty today. After dealing with a Klingon sleeper agent, you need time to recover."

One of Spock's eyebrows rose. "I do not disagree that Cadet Uhura should have time to recover. Her experience was quite traumatic. However, I am more than capable of returning to duty."

Captain Pike placed a hand on Spock's bare shoulder. He shook his head. "Come on, Spock. I know Vulcans like to get back to business, but you confronted a sleeper agent yesterday. And Cadet Uhura is traumatized and could use help."

Spock's eyebrow rose. "Why would a Vulcan be an appropriate choice to help her with her emotional distress?"

Moving his hand away from Spock's shoulder, Captain Pike covered his face and let out a long sigh. "Spock, I am very easy going when it comes to my crew interacting with each other, but it doesn't mean I'm stupid. Cadet Uhura needs the support of her boyfriend. Since she chose a Vulcan, that's the type of support she wants."

Spock could feel the heat in his ears. He should have known that Captain Pike would not be completely ignorant to his relationship with Nyota. "Captain, your concern is noted and I will tend to Cadet Uhura. However, the Cadet's well being is hardly an issue for the Captain. What is the true reason you came to my quarters so early?"

Pike nodded. "Okay, you got me there. Your sister and Lieutenant Tyler are close?"

Spock raised his chin. "You did just say you are not stupid when it comes to your crew's persnal interactions with one another."

"Fair." Pike sighed. "Your sister has been watching Tyler since last night and there's something different about her..."

Spock nodded slowly. "Michael watched the Klingons murder her biological parents. She's kept herself cut off for years, but she finally opened herself up to Lieutenant Tyler only to discover he is a falsehood." He paused, a line of a play springing to mind. "My only love sprung from my only hate. Too early seen unknown, and known too late."

"What am I supposed to do?" Pike asked.

Spock shook his head. "I doubt there is anything you can do, Captain. Michael is a Vulcan by nurture if not nature. She will attempt to purge the emotions she is feeling about Tyler's betrayal."

Pike frowned. "That doesn't sound healthy."

"It is on Vulcan."

The door opened and Nyota stepped out, looking tired and wearing a hastily pulled on uniform. She nearly ran into Spock. "Spock? I woke up and you weren't in b--" She looked at Captain Pike, slightly stricken. "In our quarters."

"It is alright, _K'diwa_ ," Spock touched two fingers to Nyota's in an _ozh'esta_. "Captain Pike stopped by to relieve us of duty today. He also informs me I should be a proper boyfriend and attend to you."

Nyota sucked in a breath and her cheeks turned red. Spock slipped a hand around her waist. It was illogical for them to disguise their relationship when Pike had made it clear he was aware they were together. "I thank you for the advice, Captain. I would advise allowing Lieutenant Burnham space to examine her own thoughts in this situation."

Captain Pike nodded. "Thanks Spock. You two take care of yourselves."

The Captain left and Nyota looked up at Spock. He grabbed her by the waist and carried her back into their quarters, closing the door. "The Captain knows we're a couple?" Nyota's cheeks flushed.

Spock set Nyota down on the bed and went to work removing her rumpled uniform. "I doubt there is anyone on the ship unaware we are a couple. No one cares if a Cadet and an Ensign are involved in a romantic and sexual relationship." Spock leaned in and kissed her gently. "I was not making a joke when I said the Captain was advising me to be a proper boyfriend. He is worried about what happened to you yesterday and thought I needed advice on attending to your emotional needs."

Nyota squeezed his hands. "I'm fine, Spock."

"You trusted Lieutenant Tyler," Spock replied. "You've been working with him ever since you came onto _Discovery_." His expression was neutral. "I suspect this is the reason a cadet with knowledge of Klingon was requested for this tour. Am I incorrect?"

Nyota shook her head. "You are not incorrect. But I'm _fine_ , Spock. It was scary, but I'm a Starfleet cadet. I'm going to face worse."

Spock felt his heart constrict in his side at the knowledge Nyota would be in even more dangerous situations. She cupped his face, knowing what his thoughts were. "Spock, if you weren't up for this, you wouldn't be with someone in Starfleet."

"I just want to protect you," Spock ran his fingers over her hands gently. "You are my _K'hat'n'dlawa_."

Nyota frowned slightly in confusion. "I don't recognise that word."

"Vulcans do not use it often," Spock admitted. "It means half my heart and soul. In human parlance..."

"Soulmate," Nyota finished.

"I do not wish to frighten you, but I have known for a while this is how I think of you." Spock kissed her forehead. "I feel logically I should do everything I can to protect you."

"I liked last night," Nyota whispered and Spock forgot all about being protective. He thought about Nyota beneath him, her body warm and naked.

"I liked it too," Spock sat down on the bed and swept Nyota up into his lap. He pressed his face into her neck and smelled her skin. "Now that we have crossed that threshold in our relationship, it seems illogical we should have denied ourselves."

"That wasn't my idea, buddy," Nyota murmured. She snuggled into his chest. "We're not going to have to go back to abstaining will we? So you can prove you have control?"

Spock shook his head before pressing gentle kisses to Nyota's skin. "I doubt I can go back now, Nyota. I have never experienced anything like that before."

"Nothing says we have to." Nyota's fingers danced over the back of his neck before burying in his hair. "So Captain Pike ordered you to attend to me..."

"I do not believe it was an order," Spock replied. "It was a strong suggestion."

Nyota pulled Spock back as she started to lay down. Spock looked over her. "I do not think that was the attention he was implying."

Nyota sighed. "Spock, wouldn't I have the best knowledge of what I need right now?"

Spock considered it for a moment. "That is very...." He leaned in and kissed her. "Logical...."

* * *

L'Rell wasn't surprised when the small woman came to see her. She was even smaller than the one that Voq had nearly killed. Yet Voq had fallen in love with this one. L'Rell knew it. Voq had sacrificed himself for the Empire, for her... And it had been for naught.

"I thought you would come, Lieutenant," L'Rell said, looking over Burnham. "You want to know what he is."

Burnham's expression was blank. She looked down at her PADD. "I know exactly what he is. I have his file here. A Klingon male, altered to resemble a prisoner of war named Ash Tyler. But it is more than that. You utilized Ash Tyler's body to create the new one for... His name was Voq, wasn't it? As the medical prowess of Klingons is not what your species is known for, I will assume this is not something that has been done often. You didn't really know what would happen. He is not Voq in Ash Tyler's body, nor is he Ash Tyler in Voq's body."

"He is not Voq," L'Rell admitted. "Not anymore. Voq died on that operating table, when he and Ash Tyler were bound together. What I saw yesterday was not Voq. It was a wounded animal, striking out at anyone it could. It was not my proud warrior."

"Ash is still in the infirmary," Burnnham said. "He's screaming in Standard and Klingon. He doesn't know who he is. Not really. He screams for me."

"Then it definitely is not Voq," L'Rell snarled. "No one can oppose the beating of two Klingon hearts. They destroyed the Gods that made them. Yet that heart beats for you. It beats inside a twisted, broken _thing_."

Burnham looked at L'Rell, staring her dead in the eyes with absolutely no fear. L'Rell admired her for that. "You love him."

"I loved Voq," L'Rell replied. "And Voq is dead."

"Something of Voq remains inside of Tyler and he's being tortured. He doesn't have control of Tyler's body, but he's still there." Burnham took a deep breath. "It is not an honourable way for a Klingon to live. Bound to a body that is no longer its own. You know the only honourable thing for Voq now is to really die."

L'Rell cocked her head. She approached the force field keeping her in captivity. "You have a knife. Plunge it into his heart."

"What honour is there in that?" Burnham challenged. She stepped closer to the field, now close enough that if it weren't for the energy between them, L'Rell could easily choke the life out of Tyler's lover. "Dying as a captive of the enemy, tied to a table while screaming in insanity?"

L'Rell bared her teeth, the anger swelling in her at such a dishonourable death for her beloved.

"Was it Kol's idea to do this to Voq?" Burnham asked. "Did he see Voq as a rival?"

L'Rell let out a roar, banging her fist against the force field.

"That is why you are here, is it not?" Burnham continued to goad her. "You made yourself a prisoner of your enemy so we would help you take down Kol. But it's not just that. You wanted to see if there was anything of Voq left. There isn't.... Kol made sure of it, L'Rell. Give Voq an honourable death and help us bring down Kol. Unite the Empire and end these Skirmishes. That will lead Voq into Sto-vo-kor."

* * *

Ash gasped in air as he bolted upright.

"Whoa... Lieutenant..." Captain Pike tried to calm him. "Just relax. It's going to be alright."

"Lieutenant," Ash repeated. He looked down at his hands and they were _his_ hands. "I'm Tyler.... I'm Tyler..."

His hands shook as he looked at them. He remembered them being around Cadet Uhura's neck. "Uhura. Is she dead?"

Pike shook his head. "No. Uhura's fine."

"Voq tried to hurt her," Ash murmured. "I remember Voq."

Pike sat down next to Ash. "Yeah. L'Rell said she couldn't remove the memories."

Ash laid back on the bed with a groan. "I was Voq. But I'm also Tyler."

Pike nodded. "Yeah. You were. You are. The fact that Cadet Uhura is still alive is the only reason you're not in the brig right now."

"I was sent to destroy you all," Ash murmured, remembering Voq's orders as he went through the transformation, every molecule of his body broken down and reassembled.

Pike looked him over. "And yet confronted with nothing but a tiny cadet, you couldn't bear to end her life. Now why do you think that is?"

Ash's gaze slid towards the door, to the woman standing there. Michael was watching him, her expression neutral. "I know what it is."

Pike looked back over her shoulder. "Yeah. I know what it is too."


	23. Time for you to go out to the places you will be from

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Nyota returns to the Academy, Spock has to come to a decision about his career. Pike meets a new "stray".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from "Closing Time" by Semisonic.

There was a shift on the ship after Tyler's real identity was revealed. Maybe it was because one of their own had betrayed them. Maybe it just highlighted the danger of the Klingons. But a somber tenor took over the ship.

The worst was from Michael. Spock found a bitter irony in Michael embracing her adopted heritage as a Vulcan, while he delved into his human lineage. She was throwing herself into her work and shunning personal interactions, even with Spock.

Spock wondered what Michael would do once they arrived back at Earth. Their mission was coming to a close and they were returning to Earth to receive new orders. The Field Study officers were being switched out. This included Spock himself. He was returning to the Academy to renew his graduate studies.

As much as he worried about Michael, Spock was glad to be returning planetside. He glanced down. Nyota was snuggled against his chest, studying for her upcoming diplomacy class. It was difficult having a budding relationship on a ship on active duty. Once they returned to San Francisco, they could go on proper dates. Spock had only been on a few and they had mostly seemed like a waste of time to him. However, with Nyota the idea of being together socially was incredibly appealing.

Nyota raised her head, realizing Spock was looking at her. "What? Did I do something?"

Spock shook his head. "No. I just find it pleasing to look at you."

Nyota smiled at him and Spock leaned in, kissing her gently. One large hand cradled her face, stroking the warm skin of her cheek. With his free hand, he reached down and extracted the PADD from Nyota's grasp, setting it aside. He then took hold of her hips, lifting her up to straddle his lap. Nyota let out a quiet laugh, grinding herself against him. "You really do find it _pleasing_ , don't you?"

Spock nipped at her lower lip. The only bright point in the past few weeks had been Nyota. Spock had felt free to explore their budding sexual relationship. Not a night passed that he didn't find himself in her arms. He didn't know how he would adjust to being separated once they were off Discovery.

Spock pulled back from Nyota's kisses, gazing into her deep brown eyes. There was a query on the tip of his tongue. He knew how much he desired to be near Nyota and there was only one logical solution.

Before he could ask, he heard the summons at the door. He let out a small huff of disappointment, lifting Nyota off his lap. She smoothed down her hair and adjusted her shirt. They were both dressed casually in off-duty attire. Spock was wearing his workout pants, black sweats with a blue stripe down the side denoting his department. Nyota was wearing the shirt that went along with it. It was a dark navy t-shirt with DISCO emblazoned on it. She had her own, of course, but she said she didn't find it as comfortable as Spock's. He would have argued the logic of it, but the sight of her clad in his shirt, long legs on display, seemed entirely logical.

Spock went to the door and opened it. Pike was on the other side. At the sight of him, Nyota let out a squeak and jumped off the bed, snapping to attention.

"At ease, Cadet." Pike gave Nyota a smile. "Spock, I was hoping to have a word with you. Is this a bad time?"

"Of course not, Captain," Spock replied. He looked around to see if there was another shirt that Nyota had not pilfered from him that he could use to garb himself.

Nyota placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. She smiled softly. "I'll just go brush my teeth. Get ready for bed."

Nyota skipped off, leaving Spock and Pike alone. Pike glanced towards the extra bed in the room, the one that Nyota had not spent a single night in. "Might need you to teach me how to make a bed, Spock. I swear, no one has ever slept in that."

Spock's ears warmed, while Pike laughed. "I'm just teasing, son. I wanted to ask you about your next tour."

Spock folded his hands behind his back. "I have not given thought to my next tour. If you wish to request me for Discovery next year..."

Pike shook his head. "No, Spock. I don't want to request you for next year."

Spock's eyebrow rose. He was surprised by that statement. He had thought the Captain had liked him quite a bit.

"You misunderstand," Pike said quickly. "I don't want you _next year._ We're doing a crew rotation, but once we set out again next month, I want you on the ship, Spock."

Spock blinked. "I have my studies, Captain. I am attempting to get four separate Ph.Ds..."

"Spock, you're miles smarter than anyone else. You don't need a piece of paper to tell you that."

"Four pieces of paper," Spock corrected Pike. "I will be far more helpful as an officer with further education."

Pike shook his head. "No, Spock... You'll be more helpful actually being out there. I'm not saying you should stop learning, but I need you. I don't think you understand what's going on here. I told you they're going to be giving me the Enterprise when it's done. And I'm going to want you there."

Spock nodded. "Yes, you had mentioned something to that effect."

Pike grasped Spock's shoulders. "I'm going to want you as my XO. I've been looking for someone I can trust to get my back and it's you."

Spock's eyebrow rose. "What about Number One?"

"She's going to helm Discovery. Hell, she could do it now, if I wasn't in the way. Commodore April has been working on Enterprise for ten years already. It's going to be the flagship of the fleet. I need the best. You're going to be the best, Spock. Too good to be third science officer. So I have three years to get you to rise in the ranks so Starfleet will let me make you XO."

Spock looked down, considering his options. There was something very tempting about what Pike was proposing. "As a Vulcan, my lifespan is potentially much greater than a human's. I felt no rush in my career..."

"But I want you, Spock," Pike insisted. "The Academy's going to be there. Give me the next couple of years. Once you hit Commander, if you want to come back and become a doctor too, I'll sign the transfer order myself."

Spock couldn't meet Pike's gaze as he considered the offer. He remained quiet.

"Is it the Cadet? I know you're crazy about her, but you can't put your career on hold for her."

Spock let out a small sigh. "We're still several days from Earth. May I think about this until we get there?"

Pike nodded. "Of course."

Spock sat back down on his bed as Pike left the room. He closed his eyes, thinking about what he was supposed to do. He then felt the gentle weight of Nyota climbing into his lap. She pressed a kiss to his temple. Spock slipped his hands to her backside, moulding his fingers around her buttocks. "Nyota, as you are aware I have an apartment close to the Academy campus. It would be logical for you to move in with me."

"No," Nyota whispered.

Spock opened his eyes and looked up at his girlfriend. She smiled down at him softly. "I was eavesdropping. You have to stay on Discovery, Spock."

Spock frowned, pulling Nyota closer to him. "Do you not wish to be with me?"

"Don't be stupid... Of course I do." Nyota threaded her fingers in his hair. "But if you take another tour on Discovery, you'll be a Lieutenant in no time. And you can keep up with classes through remote learning. This is too good of an opportunity. Besides..." Nyota worried her lower lip. "Michael needs you more than I do right now. After what happened with Tyler, she's closed herself off. You might be the only person who is able to pull her out of it."

Spock cupped Nyota's face before pressing his forehead to hers. " _Taluhk nash-veh k'dular_."

"I love you too." Nyota gave him a quick kiss on the lips. "Besides, I've really got to keep my focus on school. And I can't do that if I'm being distracted by a sexy half-Vulcan Ensign. I will miss you keeping me warm at night though."

Spock laid back down on the bed. "I suppose it is only logical for us to take advantage of the time we have left."

* * *

"What do you think?" Chris asked Spock as they looked up at the Enterprise, looming over the rest of the Riverside Ship Yard. "Do you like it?"

"Like is not in the Vulcan vernacular," Spock replied, but Chris knew it was bullshit. There was awe in the young man's face that was unmistakable.

There was a long silence between them. Finally, Spock turned to face Chris. "I have spoken to Nyota. She believes it would be best for me to remain on Discovery."

"Smart girl you have there," Chris replied, smiling. "So are you going to listen to her?"

Spock nodded. "She is right. As were you. I can continue my studies remotely while I am on Discovery. I also know you frequently return to Earth to fulfill your duties at Starfleet Academy, which will allow me to continue programming the _Kobayashi Maru_ simulator."

"Sounds like you have it all figured out." Chris couldn't hide his smile. "So if you're coming with, why aren't you spending the evening with your lovely girlfriend?"

"We have three weeks with crew rotation and ship resupply," Spock explained. "Nyota will also have some time before her classes resume. Tonight, she is with some of the other cadets at the Warp Trail."

"You should go and join her," Chris suggested. "It might impress her to see you hustle some pool."

Chris walked alongside Spock towards the Warp Trail. The young Vulcan had changed so much in the years Chris had known him. He had tempered himself, embracing his Vulcan side to tame the tumultuous emotions that resided just the surface. But his human heart remained on display with his connections to both his sister and now his girlfriend. Chris had made the right choice selecting Spock as his XO for the Enterprise. He just needed a bit more experience.

They were just approaching the bar when they heard the scuffle inside. Chris could see Spock tense, clearly worried about Cadet Uhura. "Stay out here," Chris ordered. "I'll see what's happening."

Chris went into the bar, seeing several recruits in a tussle with a young man. There was Cadet Uhura, trying to calm the fight. Chris blew his whistle, ordering the recruits to retreat. He would get their names and put reprimands on their files, but at the moment, he was more interested in the bloodied young man sprawled out on the table.

"You can whistle really loud, you know that?"


	24. Birds do it, Bees do it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael catches Spock and Nyota in a compromising position and feels the need to inform Nyota of some important facts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from "Let's Do It (Let's Fall in Love)" by Ella Fitzgerald, infamously sung by Nichelle Nichols in an outtake where she turned it into a song seducing Spock.
> 
> This chapter was the inspiration for this whole story, as it was mentioned in "Fever When You Kiss Me".

Spock sat on his couch, Nyota perched in his lap. He frowned slightly as he cupped her pert breasts in his large hands. Nyota crinkled her nose at him. "I didn't tell you so that you could dwell on it. Someone threw him, he tried to stop himself and he just--"

"Grabbed onto your breasts," Spock growled. "And you say this man is now a cadet? What is his name?"

"What does it matter?" Nyota sighed. She leaned in and kissed Spock. She gave his lower lip a nip. "You're not going to intimidate him, are you?"

"Does that sound like something I would do?" Spock asked. He flicked the buttons on Nyota's blouse open. He leaned in and sprinkled kisses to the swell of her breasts.

"I don't know what to expect from a jealous Vulcan." Nyota's fingers slid over the back of his neck while she sighed. "Does it make you feel better that you are the only one who has done that to me?"

Spock glanced up at her, not removing his lips from her dark side. He gave a quick lick to the flesh. "I thought you were intimate with your previous boyfriend."

Nyota giggled. "I had sex with him... I didn't say he was any _good_ at it." She lifted Spock's head to kiss his lips once again. "Don't worry about Jim Kirk. I'm sure I'm never going to end up seeing him again. You, on the other hand..."

She slipped off his lap, settling herself between his legs. Spock groaned, his head falling back. Nyota unzipped Spock's pants and worked them down his legs. He closed his eyes and sank his fingers into her hair, pulling it free of its ponytail. "You do not have to, Nyota..." He didn't want her to listen to him. Thankfully, it didn't seem like she was going to.

Spock groaned as Nyota's hot mouth pleasured him. If he had known how quickly he'd be leaving Nyota, he wouldn't have held out on their physical relationship. He would ache for her while they were parted.

Nyota's tongue slipped over him. "Take off your shirt. I want to see it."

Spock eagerly pulled off his shirt. The skin on his side was still green and puffy, but the addition to his tattoo was clear.

Nyota nuzzled against his _lok_. "I can't believe you added my name."

"Why wouldn't I?" Spock groaned. He reached down to fondle Nyota's breasts possessively.

"It's permanent," Nyota sighed against him.

Spock gazed down at his lover. "So are my feelings for you, Nyota."

He yelped as Nyota went back to work on his pleasure. Spock let out a howl as he gave into the pleasure. "Nyota... _Fuck, Nyota_...."

"Oh my God!"

Cold air hit Spock's _lok_ , wet from Nyota's saliva as she pulled off of him abruptly. Spock's eyes opened and he stared in horror at Michael who stood in the doorway.

Spock jumped to his feet, trying to tug up his pants while Nyota tried to button her shirt. "I thought you were staying on Discovery until tomorrow."

"I came back early," Michael replied. She covered her face with one hand. "I thought you got rid of your piercings."

"Why were you looking?" Spock shot back.

"It's hard not to! It's right there!" Michael finally turned her back and covered her face with both hands now. "I would've thought you would think blowjobs were illogical."

Spock's cheeks heated as he reached out to help Nyota to her feet. "Only someone who has never experienced fellatio would think that."

* * *

Despite Michael's suggestion she find other accommodations, Spock insisted she still stay at the apartment. He promised to restrict any romantic activity to his bedroom. Nyota had been staying over every night. The couple had every right to be together. Spock was staying on Discovery, while Nyota was returning to school. Michael knew how they felt about each other. Of course they would desire to spend whatever free time they had together.

Still. Michael had concerns. She had been ignoring them, but Michael had literally walked right into them. She had to take care of her little brother. So she invited Nyota out to a cafe on campus.

Nyota's cheeks were reddened as she stared into her cup of Chai. "Michael, I'm really sorry about what happened the other day..."

"Don't worry about it," Michael insisted. "I was surprised. But honestly, it was naive of me to think your relationship with Spock had not become sexual. I just wasn't prepared to see it with my own eyes."

Nyota let out a nervous giggle. "I have to admit, it was good to see you have an emotional outburst, even if it was just shock. I was worried about you. Spock is too."

Michael nodded. She knew about Spock's concerns for her wellbeing after everything that happened with Tyler. He didn't need to. She was dealing. "I didn't ask you here to talk about my relationship, Nyota... Or lack thereof. But I do have concerns about you and Spock."

"I thought you said..."

Michael gave Nyota a small, reassuring smile. "You know this is it for Spock, right? I saw the change to his tattoo. He loves you, Nyota. There's never going to be anyone else for him. He may try to hide it, but he feels deeper than anyone I've ever known. I need you to take that seriously."

Nyota bit her lip and wrung her hands. "I _do_. I know I'm young, but I know how I feel about Spock. I've felt his love. I've felt all of him."

Michael blinked. "You two have engaged in _Emafa Kito_?"

Nyota nodded.

Michael took a deep breath. If Spock were willing to inscribe Nyota's name on his flesh, engaged in a bond meld, he had truly fallen to the Engulfment. "Has Spock told you about _Pon Farr_?"

Nyota blinked. She then shook her head. "What's that?"

Michael groaned. Somehow she knew her brother would be so nearsighted. "You are to be Spock's mate, but he hasn't informed you of a basic rite of the Vulcan people. They don't speak of it, so he didn't mention it... But because you aren't Vulcan, you haven't learned. You should know. You should be ready."

Michael could see Nyota sit up straighter, obviously nervous. "What is it?"

Even just being adopted into a Vulcan family, Michael was uncomfortable speaking about it. However, Nyota needed to know. Spock was too much of a traditionalist to bring it up until it was absolutely necessary, but that was unfair to the girl. "When a Vulcan is of age, they eventually go into Pon Farr. It is the time of Mating."

Uhura's eyes widened. "Lieutenant Burnham... Are you trying to tell me about the birds and the bees?" She laughed nervously again. "You already saw firsthand Spock and I know what we're doing."

"The birds and the bees are not Vulcans, Cadet," Michael said seriously. "What you and Spock have experienced together is nothing compared to Pon Farr. The Burning Time strips a Vulcan of their mind, leaving only the instinct to mate. If it is not sated, they will die."

"Oh." Uhura's face paled.

Michael leaned in, taking a hold of Uhura's hand. She was human. Humans were comforted by a touch like that. "Do not be afraid, Cadet. I told you because I knew Spock would be too ashamed to. While it is not spoken of... For a bonded couple that is prepared for the time, the Pon Farr can be _beautiful_. A time when a mated pair can experience the depth of emotions Vulcans normally repress. But you need to be ready for it."

"Why would Spock not speak to me about this?" Uhura asked, pulling her hand back and hugged herself. "Does he not want to share the Pon Farr with me?"

"He hasn't experienced the Pon Farr yet," Michael replied. "It's possible he won't because of his human heritage. As much as Spock enjoys exploring his emotions with you, if he succumbs to Pon Farr, he will lose control. That loss of control is shameful. Should he experience it, he will need your strength. Don't break his heart, Cadet."

Nyota nodded. "Spock will always have my strength, Pon Farr or not."

As Michael looked over Nyota's determined expression, she knew it was true. Nyota would be there for Spock. She just hoped Spock would accept that help.


End file.
